What Does Islam Say About Forced/Arranged/Love/ Secret Marriages?

By Shaykh Muhammad Salim Ghisa

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is also an important part of the Sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever leaves my Sunnah is not from amongst me” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat)

The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has also said as narrated by Ibn Masud (May Allah be pleased with him)

“Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at non permissible females and protects you from immorality. However, those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

However, we also find that in today’s day and age that there are many marriages that are improper or unfair and can make a person’s life miserable. These marriages are either forced or arranged against a person’s will. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.

We find that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding (baradarism) to arrange such forced marriages and then hide behind the religion of Islam to justify their actions.

Arranged marriages

Arranged marriages are allowed and promoted in Islam as long as they are accepted by both the bride and the groom. One of the conditions for the Nikah (marriage ceremony) to be valid is both the man and woman are asked independently of each other as to whether they agree with the marriage or not. If either of them say ‘no’ then the Nikah cannot continue , however, silence is regarded as consent. (Radd ul Mohtar).

The parents have a responsibility to ensure that both couples are compatible and do not arrange a marriage merely for their own social or personal reasons (i.e. 'she's my brothers daughter, lets get our son married to her'!). If the latter is the case then they will have to answer to Allah. The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave the strictest orders with relation to the rights of others. He said

“'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.” (Hadith Muslim 4257. Recorded by Mughirah b. Shuba).

When a suitable partner is chosen then four things are considered, out of which one should take importance and this is the religious practice of their prospective partners. Whilst the following Hadith is in relation to choosing a woman, it refers to both sexes: the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said

“A woman (or man) may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Although the Prophet advised the young Muslim to look for a religious partner, it does not mean that they should ignore their preferences regarding the physical beauty. The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) encouraged seeing a prospective partner before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim does not find his/herself trapped in a marriage with a woman/man he/she finds unattractive.

Al Mughirah Ibn Shaibah said “I got engaged to a woman at the time of the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He asked me “Have you seen her?” I said “No”. He said “go and have a look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility is established between you.” (Nasai)

Therefore, in the above situations we find that Islam promotes love and compatibility between husband and wife and recognizes that these are vital ingredients in a successful marriage.

Forced Marriages

Whilst we understand the importance of love and compatibility we must also ensure the approval of both parties. However, one must also recognize that forced marriage is a problem occurring today and Islam condemns it to the highest degree. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to some Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem.

As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.

If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;

Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.

Love Marriages

Marriages that are done due to a couple falling in love with one another are acceptable but are usually an unlawful way of approach. Meaning, that two people of the opposite sex start a relationship and then decide they want to marry. However, one must also realize that this is happening and therefore if a couple are in a relationship they must either get married immediately and save themselves from sin or separate.

If the father/ mother is aware then they should ensure that there is a successful outcome and if there is compatibility between the couple, they should try and ensure that the marriage takes place as soon as possible. Mere excuses, such as they are from a lower cast etc are not acceptable. However, valid reasons such as religion must be taken in to account.

Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

Secret Marriages

Secret marriages whilst recognised are severely disliked in Islam and even Haram when it goes against the will of the parents. The reason for this is that it means that those who are responsible for them are not advised of it and the couple will go against their parents by doing so. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has clearly stressed that the will of the father is the will of Allah (Bukhari) also how important it is to obtain the dua of one’s parents.

Whilst we recognise that sometime parents need to be advised, this should be done by asking relatives to intervene, or the local Imam or anyone who may have an influence over one’s parents and they can agree. Insha Allah a marriage can only ever obtain spiritual comfort if the dua of one’s mother and father is with them.

Whilst the secret marriage may be valid it does not mean it is right and blessed.

May Allah give us the ability to understand the sacred concept of marriage and the Islamic approach towards it.

What is the best way to find a partner in the UK? To find out and to read more articles on marriage visit:

Comments

omg is this the agony aunt column? !

“O my people! Truly, this life of the world is nothing but a (quick passing) enjoyment, and verily, the hereafter that is the home that will remain forever.” [Ghafir : 39]

People get trapped and never know where to turn.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

I think we really need a agony aunt page...so i better start looking for an auntie/uncle jee

 

They are normally crap though, aren't they?

If people want to talk to someone in an official capacity, we already advertise the muslim youth helpline.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:
They are normally crap though, aren't they?

If people want to talk to someone in an official capacity, we already advertise the muslim youth helpline.

not necessarily... depends who we get
because if someone has a serious issue and just anyone gives their personal advice its not always the best thing. Sometimes it needs to be scholarly and sometimes it needs qualified counselling and sometimes it just needs an experienced person to offer advice- i dont think we have any of those 3 on forums if I'm not mistaken. Sometimes i read advice ppl offer and I cringe. So I can try to get an agony aunt/uncle if there is a demand... and by reading the posts just on this topic it looks like there is.

 

TheRevivalEditor wrote:
Sometimes i read advice ppl offer and I cringe.

why didnt you say anything on the particular topic?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Lilly wrote:
TheRevivalEditor wrote:
Sometimes i read advice ppl offer and I cringe.

why didnt you say anything on the particular topic?

mainly cos i probably aint qualified to give advice and secondly ppl love debating here and im too old for that:-)

 

The problem with an agony aunt section is that the replies will generally be sloganeering or one shot fixes when what really need is ongoing help and that cant be provided in such a way.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:
The problem with an agony aunt section is that the replies will generally be sloganeering or one shot fixes when what really need is ongoing help and that cant be provided in such a way.

do/will they get ongoing help on the forums? no
the agony aunt can give proferssional/qualified/scholarly advice rather than what ANYONE personally thinks...
People want proper advice.... regarding on going help thats where you speak to a counsellor.

 

dont get married, go and learn more abt Islam.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

TheRevivalEditor wrote:
You wrote:
The problem with an agony aunt section is that the replies will generally be sloganeering or one shot fixes when what really need is ongoing help and that cant be provided in such a way.

do/will they get ongoing help on the forums? no
the agony aunt can give proferssional/qualified/scholarly advice rather than what ANYONE personally thinks...
People want proper advice.... regarding on going help thats where you speak to a counsellor.

Sometimes you just need a to post in an informal setting to get things off your chest and perhaps get some good advice too. And that is what the site should continue helping with.

Professionals would be good, if you can get them, but what do you mean by 'scholarly'? If you want to get actual scholars' opinions then please make sure they are the type of scholars who understand this society and young people today.

yet another article stating what Islam accepts and prohibits? why is there no evidence, quotes for the Qur'an to prove these points. The main difference between arranged and forced marriages is the issue of consent. For me personally I do not understand how can any parents decide who their child should marry. That is wrong.

As for love marriage I do not see anything wrong with it. Yes any sexual relationship before the wedding should not be allowed but who says and where does it say a man and woman cannot fall in love without any sexual relationship. Of course they can, we are all Gods creation and loving someone is not a sin.

Finally a secret marriage...why is it being criticized? if stupid parents can abduct and imprison their kids just so they can force them into marriage why can't kids leave their parents and get married forcefully? Parents who are not worthy of being parents, who do not take your feelings into consideration have no right to give any blessing to their children. Had my parents forced me into marriage i would hate them for life. God watches everything and no one not even your mother and father can be called or classed as God!

because a lot of these stupid parents out there do not listen to their kids. you have to live with them to know them. this is the sort of things causing affairs and illegitimate relationships outside of marriage. then what? the oversea spouses are seen as the innocent parties and having 50 kids and already claimed under leave to remain in the UK....... they then corrupt the benefit system! It all links up at the end!

@HANNA, how do you fall in love with someone you don't know? Cuz you're not supposed to know them, you not supposed to be alone with the opposite sex, for no reason. Also anything leading to zina is wrong.

i'll reply to you Hanna if you're serious abt having a discussion with an open mind, a sign of this would be to create an account. i'd be more than happy discussing this with you. but i will NOT waste my time on people who just want to be hateful and think their opinion is fact and the one and only truth.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

HANNA wrote:
yet another article stating what Islam accepts and prohibits? why is there no evidence, quotes for the Qur'an to prove these points. The main difference between arranged and forced marriages is the issue of consent. For me personally I do not understand how can any parents decide who their child should marry. That is wrong.

As for love marriage I do not see anything wrong with it. Yes any sexual relationship before the wedding should not be allowed but who says and where does it say a man and woman cannot fall in love without any sexual relationship. Of course they can, we are all Gods creation and loving someone is not a sin.

Finally a secret marriage...why is it being criticized? if stupid parents can abduct and imprison their kids just so they can force them into marriage why can't kids leave their parents and get married forcefully? Parents who are not worthy of being parents, who do not take your feelings into consideration have no right to give any blessing to their children. Had my parents forced me into marriage i would hate them for life. God watches everything and no one not even your mother and father can be called or classed as God!

Hello Hanna, I think you raise a few interesting and valid points.
I'm not sure you mean it when you'd say that you hate them forever if they tried to force you. Hate can drive a good person bad, you know. The Prophet (pbuh) suffered so much and he had the courage, mercy and strength to rise above his enemies, defeat them (sometimes metaphorically) and forgive.

I believe that it is possible to fall for someone and get to know them without being completely alone with them or sleeping with them.
Even if two people have done things they shouldn't they can repent and make right their wrongs by a healthy marriage.

How old are you Hanna? It seems as if you've had negative experiences with this issue, no?
Parents may not always be the bad guy, they may want to care for their kids and protect them from someone who's not good for them. Surely, it'd be quite silly for the kids to marry in secret?
Even if the parents are the, let's just say into "cultural crap" then secret marriages may still do more harm than good. Here's why, imagine if a girl (because it's mainly the girl) who has a horrendous childhood runs away with someone. Then suddenly he changes and starts abusing her, where is she going to run to? Her partner could have totally shredded her confidence and made her commit to him fully and she may begin to wonder if running away was a good idea after all.
I think it is natural to want to be accepted by your parents, if there is bitter resentment then it may make it harder for you to actually love anc commit to the person you marry.
Let me know what you think, but remember this is a real controversial issue.

“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”

Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi

Asalamualikum,brother and sisters we are muslims and as we all know we shouldnt hide the fact wats fact is fact. in islam the parents have to ask their children if they r agreee or not during the nikkah , they done my engagement in abroad i dnt even knw the person and nevver heard of that family in my life they done everything and then they told me and i wasnt asked if am agree or not , but as far as i know in islam if bride or the groom one of them disgree the nikkah cannot be acceptable and i dnt understand they all r happy for this engagement but i am not happy with this i dnt knw wat to do . i need help

You need to talk to your parents and ask them more about the girl. Have you even seen her? Ask for a pic. Then do istikhara, just make dua to Allah and ask Him to guide you and help you make the right choice.

But do not just go along with the marriage because your family seems happy. If you're not happy with it, then don't do it! Seriously. It just causes problems later - then your family won't be happy either!
So you might as well try to prevent something bad happening down the line than be forced into a marriage for some short term happiness.

That's my opinion, for what it's worth. I'm not married.

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

no man i didnt knw nothing about it i dnt knw the family too, it happend last night and during the day i found out that they were gona get me engage to that girl they say the girl is gd relegious and all that which is good but the fact is that i like someone else am in relationship i knw its haram but i never seen taht girl too face to face we only talk on the phone she is in scotland am in london but we wanted to get maried in the future not nw i had lots of plans ,but suddenyly this happend and mom is so happy that i cant call them and tell them that am nt interested in

oh. You have another problem.

How did you get to know someone in Scotland?

Did your parents ask you about the engagement or just tell you?

Will that girl's parents agree to your marriage if you don't marry this other girl, do you think? How long have you been in the relationship? If it isn't too long...you could...err.. get over it, if you're serious about it, then you're gna have to talk to your parents asap. Have you got older siblings who you can talk to about it and then they can support you when you tell your parents etc?

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

am with that girl for like a year ,the girl in scotland she is pakistnai am afhgani we r different we dont go out of our tribes to do mariages but that was differnt issue i thought i was gona solve it later in the future first let me do my graduation and other things , and knw they havnt asked me about the engagement they used to tell me u will be engaged and this and that i usedd to say to them no i dnt want to , but yesturday this happend , and my sibling they taking my parents side ,bro am nt saying my parents are wrong but the way they r doing is a bit wrong atleast they should have asked me first. the girl is going to get married to me not to them am gona have to spend the rest of my life with her

Yep, it is wrong. Try talking to them and see what happens and then decide what to do. If you don't even try talking to them, you'll never know if they can be persuaded to change their mind or not. Do dua and ask Allah to do what's best for you.

But you say that there probably will be problems getting married to the other girl because of your backgrounds, then maybe you should try and just get to know the girl your parents want you to as you say she seems like a good person as well and if you can't get married to the other one then it might be better to just forget about her.

And even if you are thinking of getting married to Scottish girl, you shouldn't be 'in a relationship' with her first, as you know...

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

you cant just be "with a girl" and expect it to fly with the views of people on an Islamic site.

Either make it right with her or end it. and if you plan to make it right, tell your parents.

you cant do anything without talking to your parents and you will need to do it sooner or later and openly too.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

right nw am not happy with this engagement at all , i just need sugestion how can i stop this

By talking to your parents.

There is no other way.

You talk to them. tell them what you want to tell them, listen to what they want to say.

You cant say that you dont want it without talking to them first.

You need to guts to have a proper grown up conversation that will be many conversations over a period of time.

None of us can do that for you. you need to talk to them yourself.

You cant blame them for anything if you havent talked to them first.

and I mean a proper grown up conversation where things are discussed calmly instead of one that involves arguing and shouting and not listening to what others say.

No one can force you to marry someone against your will. I assume you have hands and feet and a voice and can stand your own corner. you just be reasonable and explain to them why it wont work and why you dont want it and how you will marry this other girl instead.

(if you have no plans in bringing up the other girl, or marrying her, then you need to cut her loose because anything else is just plain evil of you and you deserve the worst you get.)

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:
you cant just be "with a girl"

Why not?

You wrote:

Either make it right with her or end it. and if you plan to make it right, tell your parents.

You can't make it right because the parents will say your right as wrong and their wrong as right

You wrote:

you cant do anything without talking to your parents and you will need to do it sooner or later and openly too.

You can, just runaway with the girl filmi style- seriously it has happened but they get caught and married off or killed in the name of honour

My English is not very good

Lolllywood is not a Muslim, keep that in mind when you read his comments - it's not coming from an Islamic perspective.

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

lollywood bro , its real life ok, and it is stupitidy if i run with girl, its gona be big dirt on my family name i would never do that i would never embarace my family infront of people becouse of my any kinda stupid behaviour

i know i am not stupid enough to lesten to him becouse and i have sense wats wrong and wats right.

But i am confuse i havnt spoken to my mom and dad about and am trying to get the guts to say

Talking to them is your only way.

and remember if you approach it intelligently, they shouldnt bite much.

You ask them their views, you tell them your views and then see if you can convince them of your argument (or them of theirs) before putting your foot down.

You're not the first person in such a situation and remember that a forced marriage is invalid in Islam.

Just talk to them.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

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