What Does Islam Say About Forced/Arranged/Love/ Secret Marriages?

By Shaykh Muhammad Salim Ghisa

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is also an important part of the Sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever leaves my Sunnah is not from amongst me” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat)

The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has also said as narrated by Ibn Masud (May Allah be pleased with him)

“Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at non permissible females and protects you from immorality. However, those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

However, we also find that in today’s day and age that there are many marriages that are improper or unfair and can make a person’s life miserable. These marriages are either forced or arranged against a person’s will. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.

We find that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding (baradarism) to arrange such forced marriages and then hide behind the religion of Islam to justify their actions.

Arranged marriages

Arranged marriages are allowed and promoted in Islam as long as they are accepted by both the bride and the groom. One of the conditions for the Nikah (marriage ceremony) to be valid is both the man and woman are asked independently of each other as to whether they agree with the marriage or not. If either of them say ‘no’ then the Nikah cannot continue , however, silence is regarded as consent. (Radd ul Mohtar).

The parents have a responsibility to ensure that both couples are compatible and do not arrange a marriage merely for their own social or personal reasons (i.e. 'she's my brothers daughter, lets get our son married to her'!). If the latter is the case then they will have to answer to Allah. The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave the strictest orders with relation to the rights of others. He said

“'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.” (Hadith Muslim 4257. Recorded by Mughirah b. Shuba).

When a suitable partner is chosen then four things are considered, out of which one should take importance and this is the religious practice of their prospective partners. Whilst the following Hadith is in relation to choosing a woman, it refers to both sexes: the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said

“A woman (or man) may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Although the Prophet advised the young Muslim to look for a religious partner, it does not mean that they should ignore their preferences regarding the physical beauty. The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) encouraged seeing a prospective partner before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim does not find his/herself trapped in a marriage with a woman/man he/she finds unattractive.

Al Mughirah Ibn Shaibah said “I got engaged to a woman at the time of the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He asked me “Have you seen her?” I said “No”. He said “go and have a look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility is established between you.” (Nasai)

Therefore, in the above situations we find that Islam promotes love and compatibility between husband and wife and recognizes that these are vital ingredients in a successful marriage.

Forced Marriages

Whilst we understand the importance of love and compatibility we must also ensure the approval of both parties. However, one must also recognize that forced marriage is a problem occurring today and Islam condemns it to the highest degree. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to some Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem.

As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.

If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;

Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.

Love Marriages

Marriages that are done due to a couple falling in love with one another are acceptable but are usually an unlawful way of approach. Meaning, that two people of the opposite sex start a relationship and then decide they want to marry. However, one must also realize that this is happening and therefore if a couple are in a relationship they must either get married immediately and save themselves from sin or separate.

If the father/ mother is aware then they should ensure that there is a successful outcome and if there is compatibility between the couple, they should try and ensure that the marriage takes place as soon as possible. Mere excuses, such as they are from a lower cast etc are not acceptable. However, valid reasons such as religion must be taken in to account.

Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

Secret Marriages

Secret marriages whilst recognised are severely disliked in Islam and even Haram when it goes against the will of the parents. The reason for this is that it means that those who are responsible for them are not advised of it and the couple will go against their parents by doing so. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has clearly stressed that the will of the father is the will of Allah (Bukhari) also how important it is to obtain the dua of one’s parents.

Whilst we recognise that sometime parents need to be advised, this should be done by asking relatives to intervene, or the local Imam or anyone who may have an influence over one’s parents and they can agree. Insha Allah a marriage can only ever obtain spiritual comfort if the dua of one’s mother and father is with them.

Whilst the secret marriage may be valid it does not mean it is right and blessed.

May Allah give us the ability to understand the sacred concept of marriage and the Islamic approach towards it.

What is the best way to find a partner in the UK? To find out and to read more articles on marriage visit:

Comments

stopincest wrote:
and on top banned cousin marriage of all kinds
But the Royal family get married to cousins so they couldn't possible ban it altogether. Smile

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:
stopincest wrote:
and on top banned cousin marriage of all kinds
But the Royal family get married to cousins so they couldn't possible ban it altogether. Smile

I don't think they do anymore - I could be wrong

It's more of a Pakistani Mirpuri issue these days or at least that's how its seen as

My English is not very good

Prince William and Kate Middleton are 12th cousins.

Do you accept that that's too distant to matter?

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:
Prince William and Kate Middleton are 12th cousins.

Do you accept that that's too distant to matter?

It is distant but I would still not agree with it as they do share ancestors along the line

My English is not very good

stopincest wrote:
ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:
Prince William and Kate Middleton are 12th cousins.

Do you accept that that's too distant to matter?

It is distant but I would still not agree with it as they do share ancestors along the line

we all share ancestors

"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find rest"

bilan wrote:
stopincest wrote:
ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:
Prince William and Kate Middleton are 12th cousins.

Do you accept that that's too distant to matter?

It is distant but I would still not agree with it as they do share ancestors along the line

we all share ancestors

Then do we allow the sick practice of incest because we share ancestors anyway

My English is not very good

incest is immediate family. Outside that it is not incest.

You can define it your way if you will and no, we won't get in the way of whoever you decide to marry or not (I suspect you find it too "limiting" of your "potential" or something).

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

geez,spamming another marriage topic much? SI. we get it. you're against cousin marriage. now drop it and stop spamming.

and everyone's cousins; so no one should marry and the human race should just die.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Lilly wrote:

and everyone's cousins; so no one should marry and the human race should just die.

Calm down dear as David Cameron would say you seem p'd off

My English is not very good

wait, didn't I say a week ago that if SI kept drudging up this topic, I would be deleting the posts?

My bad for forgetting.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:
wait, didn't I say a week ago that if SI kept drudging up this topic, I would be deleting the posts?

My bad for forgetting.

Its linked with this subject

My English is not very good

stopincest wrote:
You wrote:
wait, didn't I say a week ago that if SI kept drudging up this topic, I would be deleting the posts?

My bad for forgetting.

Its linked with this subject

but you're extremely annoying arent you Smile

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Salam sister, I have gone through the exact same thing as you. My parents insisted I marry this guy from Pakistan. He was really nice till he got his permanent stay. I got really good advice from this charity called pakmarriages. They have a tab on freshies . Our parents are too loyal to their culture aand country and for them that's the most important thing. He will never be right for you. You were born and bred here. Pakistani men thing women are worthless. Please contact them. Its pakmarriages.com

Islam says marry of your own choice with your heart and you have to agree with it. Don't fall for the emotional blackmail. Our parents say things like I will die if you don't marry him or it was a promise - made, your not my daughter if you do marry of my choice. Our parents look only at their culture not our happiness. You Nikah will be invalid if you do not want this marriage.

Lilly wrote:
stopincest wrote:
You wrote:
wait, didn't I say a week ago that if SI kept drudging up this topic, I would be deleting the posts?

My bad for forgetting.

Its linked with this subject

but you're extremely annoying arent you Smile

Anyone else think this smile is deadly?? lool!

"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find rest"

bilan wrote:
Lilly wrote:
stopincest wrote:
You wrote:
wait, didn't I say a week ago that if SI kept drudging up this topic, I would be deleting the posts?

My bad for forgetting.

Its linked with this subject

but you're extremely annoying arent you Smile

Anyone else think this smile is deadly?? lool!

how do you mean, deadly? Smile

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

the emo and the sentence dont go together, making the smile deadly Smile

"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find rest"

Passive aggressive. It's freaky.

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:
Passive aggressive. It's freaky.

just call me PA-F. Dirol

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

i loved some one, both our parents refused. he was forced to marry
other, and he is unhappy, and returned to me, is this right? to obligate
some one marry any one, sure impossible. listen, we will marry secretly.
and mature in islam can marry them selves without acceptance of any one.
we are happy now, and you dont understand islam very well, you just repeat
what told in the X century, today everything is changed. and you dont dont
understand your din well.

you can't understand Islam very well either if you seem to limit it to a particular century.

and the guy is a mouse for want of a better word if he did allowed himself to be pushed about.

You never clarified if he has left his wife or not, so there is the question of how badly you are ruining another person's life.

Now all this would have been avoided, things kept simpler and easier if you had avoided putting yourself in a position where you would have fallen for the guy.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

i didnt ruin any life, if am not good, he doesnt return, and he didnt return for what in your mind....simply he doesnt like leave me, even i tried to leave him. plus the lady he married her, and this girl she asked him to marry her and he never seeked her. but when you are in full of problem without solution, you can take decision you regret for. he cant divorce and am not the one who ruin people life, my be if you knew me well, you could change ur mind, not all people are bad, but there are people give lot and others just take.
am from first category....i was very honest with him for long time, but but he was not that honest to marry the first one he knew.....honesty between man and woman is totally not same, my i did wrong when i acepted but i will never destroy family.....when i feel
i will destroy his life, i will go far away. just i gave him lesson what means honesty.
dont judge people from few words.

ok, inshallah you will find better than that lying weasel. Inshallah someone good even.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

inshallah, since we are honest, there is hope.........Allah great

Alright so, me and my gf have been together for almost two years. When we first started, we knew
We wanted to get married, if we were compatible with each other. Time showed that
We were. So now, I have told my parents about it; although they were reluctant at first,
They are coming onto terms of agreement.

However, her parents aren't fully aware of me. I tutored her brother for a
Brief period of time, and they saw me as a pious, respectable, and caring
Person. However her family is from a place called shylet, and they are reluctant
To let her marry anyone outside from their region.

I am from noakhali. Both regions have animosity amongst each other,
However they are both from bangladesh, yet they still are hardheaded,
And continue to bicker. Anyways, shyleties, try to look down upon us,
Because they believe us to be scum and vice versa.

They want to get her married to someone who is successful, can provide, is pious,
And overall, is respectable.

I'm a student pursuing my bachelors in social and political science.
I'm on the path of understanding the connections between society, religion,
And politics on our decisions and life. Currently I hold a part time job
Working with young children, motivating them to do good, stay in school, and succeed.
I get paid $12 an hour, and in the current american economy, that is quite good.

This is not even my final job, but rather a part time job, and it is allowing me
To enter a position of respect.

By their definition, I fit all the pre-resquisites and requirements.
Had I been from sylet, they would've accepted me without
A second thought. But because I'm from a different region of bangladesh
They are being hypocrytes, biased, judgemental, in sum, screwed up.

I always bring up sunnah, and hadiths to show people why our relationship could
Be valid, and could last. Can anyone give some input into my situation?

You cant bring up hadith and sunnah when you yourself started far away from that with your previous actions - you can't use sunnah to support you when you have already had a two year relationship.

As for trying to make it right - go for it, but if you are of the opinion that they will never agree, then break eveerything off immediately (and that WILL be really really hard) otherwise you will just cause yourself and her much pain for no reason.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

Hi,

i think it will happen to you same like me, i loved some one from bangladesh and lives in uk, 10 years i passed from my life..........was good....at end he married other and tried to keep me with him just to not marry me other.......he could not accept it....but he marry other than me is yes.....i think bangladashi people are they like marry from same race...ok, try again once, second and 3, since u are the man you can, if u were woman i can say u cant. so, wish u marry her as soon as possible, ask ur mum to pray for u

best wishes

Yea. But my parents are aware of this relationship.

But, yes I know what was done is wrong. We can't undo it. But ending this would cause more problems. Cause she consents to the marriage. But her parents do want her to be happy, but yet they act too fucked up. Anyways too much has been done for us to break up over little things.

Right now I believe the right thing would be to preserve this. Since if we end up with different partners it would be more sin for us both.

i became not beleiving in love sincerly since i spent 10 years from my life for
nothing, tormented me lot, but i know god will never make him happy since he ended it
like that for his family..........really am hurted and wished i did not know him.

good luck any way, insist, dont have up......

Thank you for the support. Honestly I feel for you. People who intentionally lie and go into a relationship and know they'll break the other one's heart should not deserve to be happy.

He strung you along for 10 years, and he deserves many more years of torment for playing with your heart. He was greedy, and thought he could have it all ways. A lover and a paramour, which always ends in tradegy.

Which is why I want to make sure my relationship survives. It would kill me to think of her with someone else. And lately a lot of people in her family have been discovered in her family having relationships, and she is becoming influenced by the whispers of shaytaan. I am prayed for allah to protect her, and her heart from the evil of iblis.

By the words of the quran; since this has already been started, if it ends it would be massive sin or zinnah. But if we can make this work, then would it be possible for it to be within the guidelines that were there. Yes we went against some of the rules. But mistakes happen. And now we are trying to atone for our sins, and become more devout and pious. The both of us.

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