What Does Islam Say About Forced/Arranged/Love/ Secret Marriages?

By Shaykh Muhammad Salim Ghisa

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is also an important part of the Sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever leaves my Sunnah is not from amongst me” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat)

The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has also said as narrated by Ibn Masud (May Allah be pleased with him)

“Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at non permissible females and protects you from immorality. However, those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

However, we also find that in today’s day and age that there are many marriages that are improper or unfair and can make a person’s life miserable. These marriages are either forced or arranged against a person’s will. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.

We find that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding (baradarism) to arrange such forced marriages and then hide behind the religion of Islam to justify their actions.

Arranged marriages

Arranged marriages are allowed and promoted in Islam as long as they are accepted by both the bride and the groom. One of the conditions for the Nikah (marriage ceremony) to be valid is both the man and woman are asked independently of each other as to whether they agree with the marriage or not. If either of them say ‘no’ then the Nikah cannot continue , however, silence is regarded as consent. (Radd ul Mohtar).

The parents have a responsibility to ensure that both couples are compatible and do not arrange a marriage merely for their own social or personal reasons (i.e. 'she's my brothers daughter, lets get our son married to her'!). If the latter is the case then they will have to answer to Allah. The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave the strictest orders with relation to the rights of others. He said

“'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.” (Hadith Muslim 4257. Recorded by Mughirah b. Shuba).

When a suitable partner is chosen then four things are considered, out of which one should take importance and this is the religious practice of their prospective partners. Whilst the following Hadith is in relation to choosing a woman, it refers to both sexes: the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said

“A woman (or man) may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Although the Prophet advised the young Muslim to look for a religious partner, it does not mean that they should ignore their preferences regarding the physical beauty. The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) encouraged seeing a prospective partner before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim does not find his/herself trapped in a marriage with a woman/man he/she finds unattractive.

Al Mughirah Ibn Shaibah said “I got engaged to a woman at the time of the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He asked me “Have you seen her?” I said “No”. He said “go and have a look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility is established between you.” (Nasai)

Therefore, in the above situations we find that Islam promotes love and compatibility between husband and wife and recognizes that these are vital ingredients in a successful marriage.

Forced Marriages

Whilst we understand the importance of love and compatibility we must also ensure the approval of both parties. However, one must also recognize that forced marriage is a problem occurring today and Islam condemns it to the highest degree. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to some Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem.

As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.

If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;

Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.

Love Marriages

Marriages that are done due to a couple falling in love with one another are acceptable but are usually an unlawful way of approach. Meaning, that two people of the opposite sex start a relationship and then decide they want to marry. However, one must also realize that this is happening and therefore if a couple are in a relationship they must either get married immediately and save themselves from sin or separate.

If the father/ mother is aware then they should ensure that there is a successful outcome and if there is compatibility between the couple, they should try and ensure that the marriage takes place as soon as possible. Mere excuses, such as they are from a lower cast etc are not acceptable. However, valid reasons such as religion must be taken in to account.

Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

Secret Marriages

Secret marriages whilst recognised are severely disliked in Islam and even Haram when it goes against the will of the parents. The reason for this is that it means that those who are responsible for them are not advised of it and the couple will go against their parents by doing so. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has clearly stressed that the will of the father is the will of Allah (Bukhari) also how important it is to obtain the dua of one’s parents.

Whilst we recognise that sometime parents need to be advised, this should be done by asking relatives to intervene, or the local Imam or anyone who may have an influence over one’s parents and they can agree. Insha Allah a marriage can only ever obtain spiritual comfort if the dua of one’s mother and father is with them.

Whilst the secret marriage may be valid it does not mean it is right and blessed.

May Allah give us the ability to understand the sacred concept of marriage and the Islamic approach towards it.

What is the best way to find a partner in the UK? To find out and to read more articles on marriage visit:

Comments

I agree with Adam comment I never expected a guy to say something like that, it is true Islam talks about equality but I have always felt tht it was not always equal maybe my thoughts could have been influenced by my culture.

My parents have done arranged marriage and they are the most unhappy couple I have known in living memory. Everyday they fight irrationally like cats and dogs. Nothing like physical abuse, no one uses bad words when fighting, but in all honesty my parents are not in a loving bond together. They are almost like a divorced couple who have yet to sign the divorce papers. They are only not divorced because Islam and society does not recommend it. And it is just not my mom and dad either. Both my parents have 5-6 siblings and a number of first cousins. All have done arranged marriaged and are equally unhappy if not unhappier than my mom and dad. How can you get to know someone if you are not allowed to spend time alone together? I'm not advocating nonsense like fornication and living together before marriage, but I can't understand how a couple who is not allowed to spend some time alone to get to know one another can be succesful in an arranged marriage. Human beings unfortunately are very egotistic and thanks to today's digital world, many can't be trusted, so why is marriage advocated but dating banned in Islam? Dating does not have to be all about sex, fornication, physical intimacy or all of that cliche that many Islamists believe to be. I'm a person who believes in true pious love. Love is not always like the outrageuos things the film industry promotes. The love that I' am talking about is the one where a man cares unconditionally for a woman and has chosen her out of his own free will and not as a suggestion or recommendation from a third party, or a woman who chooses to care for and serve her man simply out of pure honest love, not because it is her duty to do so, as the so called Islamic culture promotes. In all honesty, I think that arranged marriage only benefits the match maker, not the people being matched. My poor parents, aunts and uncles have fallen prey to such a terribly flawed practice. If Allah is to be truly kind and merciful, than may Allah bless everyone with the love that they rightfully deserve, not dumb things like an arranged marriage or a sexual infatuation. Amen.

Salam / Hello

Unfortunately for many, don't realise that Allah and religion has nothing to do with all this, many practices predated Islam, so in fact Islam came as a regulator of many bad ancient, unfair, unjust and pagan practices.

There are so many so called Hadiths that most Muslims go by without knowing their true origins, for some, they  unequivocally believe that anything found in either Saheeh Muslim or Saheeh Bukhari is 100% authentic, whilst the truth of the matter many of these so called authentic Hadeeths are in contradiction with the Koran and some even in contradiction with other Hadeeths.

Many cover up ancient primitive practices with either invented religious "texts" or very ambiguous ones.
What is more important, is the following, they tend to put fornication as the gravest sin but they hypocritically tend to turn a blind eye when it suits them for instance:

Use of usury
Lies
Back stabbing
and many other practices to which nobody ever raises an eye brow, but god forbid if they see a young girl just walking with her friend (male) it is a no go area.
I agree entirely with what you said, but please do not judge religion, it has nothing whatsoever to do with these backward practices.
I'll tell you this, if you ever wander into the animal kingdom, pay attention how they are very selective with their soul mates, Elephants, Bears, Gorillas, (apes in general) whales, dolphins, birds and so on...
How can we as the intelligent species can't choose the person we are supposed to spend the rest of our lives with ?
It makes absolutely no sense.
Unfortunately religion was blamed for a lot of things and when you start digging into it you will find 95% of things are contrary to the common beliefs and practices.
These practices are found in all cultures, it's the sheer backwardness of mankind.
So, don't judge the religion, judge those who lie to themselves and to others, they follow ancient cult practices.

Let me give some example how they twisted the true meaning of Islam for instance:

1 Polygamy ?
Polygamy existed long before Islam even came, so Islam came as a regulator with tons of conditions and more importantly put a limit to it, no more than 4, and those 4 as I said with a set of conditions, all of the conditions should be completed.

2) Anyone who marries his daughter without her consent that marriage is invalidated in the eyes of God, Period.
What I mean by this, the use of force, emotional blackmail, or any other form of pressure.

3) Marrying inside the same family circle was never a recommendation but is the strict limit to stop people from venturing into the incest.
Those were the borders the limits but it is recommended not to marry within the family circle unless there is love between the two people, in other words if you happen to be in love with your first cousin, Allah allows you to be married.
You see how they take things completely out of context and make rules out of exceptions ?
This is what tarnished Islam, unfortunately because of the utter and total ignorance of our religion.

God bless

You wrote:
If you don't trust the person you are engaged to, that is a different thing.

Give it thought, talk to your parents too if needs be.

and if you pull out, make sure its not just because you got cold feet, but because of valid reasons. That way there is less chance that you will regret your decisions.

You may also try the istikhara prayer to help you.

As for love, you are/have been attracted to him and love can grow after marriage. It does not have to be like a bollywood romance films - that type of love probably does not exist outside of fantasy.

I was so wise/naive back then.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

I really don't understand this backward mentality of speaking to your parents, would ever grow up and sort your own problems like adults and grown ups instead of always relying on somebody or something ?
That to me with all due respect sounds more like a very backward mentality, why on earth would I want to talk to my parents or her parents or anybody else for that matter, if the problem is between us, it'd nobody else's business but ours.
And LOVE was not created by Hollywood and millions married in this way they never knew what love is, they knew "habits" and to say love doesn't exist except maybe in fantasies I think you're dead wrong, love doesn't grow after mariage it simply doesn't they get used to live with each other because they are forced to it, it's rare to see real love growing between two who got married with an arranged marriage my God it sounds like coupling cows and bulls, not human beings.

Some people without love cannot live together because they don't see the point of getting married in the first place.

 

Salam,
If a Sister is being forced to get married by her family and there is no-one she trusts to help her. Is she allowed to leave her parents house for her own safety. If it get to a stage where the family get verbally or physically abusive and there is no one she can turn to for help.
One of my friends told me she will run away from home. I do not know how I can help her.
Her family don't listen to her n they have consented to the marriage without her permission.

If she is in the UK or a british citizen, there is a forced marriage unit within the police force.

The parents must be reminded that a forced nikah is not valid and they would not be discharging their duties if she is forcefully married off.

By force do you mean at threat of violence or verbal stubbornness. The former may require police action. The latter may be solvable via discussion and inclusion of a scholar that the parents trust or respect.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

"If either of them say ‘no’ then the Nikah cannot continue , however, silence is regarded as consent. (Radd ul Mohtar). "

 

And what if a Da'aesh/ISIS member 'asks' a girl, and there is the implication (verbal or otherwise) there will be trouble for her or her family if she says 'no'? What then? Is Allah happy with that?

You see, the problem is here, it should be put into the Quran that a marriage is completely invalid and detested by Allah, if the woman is too scared to say no. Surely a god of the universe could have put something in that protected someone being forced in to it.

Just because she is forced to say 'yes', does not mean she wants it.

Also the whole 'silence' thing is ridiculous when it comes to people that can't speak. Under Allah's laws, every mute girl would be consenting to marriage.

No. As I said before, not consenting to the nikah makes the nikah null and void. FOrcing is not allowed whether this be implicit or explicit.

There are many ways to show indignation and rejection to a proposal or a nikah. Audible sounds from the mouth are only one way.

People love the ISIS bogeyman to bring out their prejudices.

 

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

Mr Nick

And what if a Da'aesh/ISIS member 'asks' a girl, and there is the implication (verbal or otherwise) there will be trouble for her or her family if she says 'no'? What then? Is Allah happy with that?

You see, the problem is here, it should be put into the Quran that a marriage is completely invalid and detested by Allah, if the woman is too scared to say no. Surely a god of the universe could have put something in that protected someone being forced in to it.

Just because she is forced to say 'yes', does not mean she wants it.

Also the whole 'silence' thing is ridiculous when it comes to people that can't speak. Under Allah's laws, every mute girl would be consenting to marriage.

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Why are you mentioning ISIS ? What ISIS has to do with this?

Did you know that the Prophet peace be upon him has warned against ISIS and these different groups? Are you aware of that?

I really don't see the flaming relevancy if it was not just to insensibly provoke and be disrespectful.

ISIS is a terrorist group that has NOTHING to do with Islam or Muslims. So why bringing them into this discussion?

Please don't take everything literally, no the girl can speak out, and say NO

What people do or don't is irrelevant at this point, it's like asking God to punish on the spot in this case, who's first?

God makes laws when people obey those laws they will be rewarded if they transgress them they will be punished.

Allah said both parties need to be consenting no ambiguity.,

There are other hadiths where a girl came up to him and said my father wanted to marry me to my cousin, then in the end he realised that the girl didn't want the man he told her you go and marry whom you please. You father cannot force you. (That was set as an example)

What else do you need?

We are talking about the 7th century not 2016 life was nothing like it is today.

You see there is a law against incest in the world, that didn't stop the guy keeping his own daughter for more than 20 years and fathered nearly 4 kids with his own daughter did the law stop him from doing what he wanted?

Comments on this article are now closed. If you have any questions or comments, please start a forum topic or blog post.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

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