What Does Islam Say About Forced/Arranged/Love/ Secret Marriages?

By Shaykh Muhammad Salim Ghisa

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is also an important part of the Sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever leaves my Sunnah is not from amongst me” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat)

The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has also said as narrated by Ibn Masud (May Allah be pleased with him)

“Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at non permissible females and protects you from immorality. However, those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

However, we also find that in today’s day and age that there are many marriages that are improper or unfair and can make a person’s life miserable. These marriages are either forced or arranged against a person’s will. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.

We find that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding (baradarism) to arrange such forced marriages and then hide behind the religion of Islam to justify their actions.

Arranged marriages

Arranged marriages are allowed and promoted in Islam as long as they are accepted by both the bride and the groom. One of the conditions for the Nikah (marriage ceremony) to be valid is both the man and woman are asked independently of each other as to whether they agree with the marriage or not. If either of them say ‘no’ then the Nikah cannot continue , however, silence is regarded as consent. (Radd ul Mohtar).

The parents have a responsibility to ensure that both couples are compatible and do not arrange a marriage merely for their own social or personal reasons (i.e. 'she's my brothers daughter, lets get our son married to her'!). If the latter is the case then they will have to answer to Allah. The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave the strictest orders with relation to the rights of others. He said

“'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.” (Hadith Muslim 4257. Recorded by Mughirah b. Shuba).

When a suitable partner is chosen then four things are considered, out of which one should take importance and this is the religious practice of their prospective partners. Whilst the following Hadith is in relation to choosing a woman, it refers to both sexes: the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said

“A woman (or man) may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Although the Prophet advised the young Muslim to look for a religious partner, it does not mean that they should ignore their preferences regarding the physical beauty. The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) encouraged seeing a prospective partner before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim does not find his/herself trapped in a marriage with a woman/man he/she finds unattractive.

Al Mughirah Ibn Shaibah said “I got engaged to a woman at the time of the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He asked me “Have you seen her?” I said “No”. He said “go and have a look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility is established between you.” (Nasai)

Therefore, in the above situations we find that Islam promotes love and compatibility between husband and wife and recognizes that these are vital ingredients in a successful marriage.

Forced Marriages

Whilst we understand the importance of love and compatibility we must also ensure the approval of both parties. However, one must also recognize that forced marriage is a problem occurring today and Islam condemns it to the highest degree. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to some Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem.

As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.

If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;

Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.

Love Marriages

Marriages that are done due to a couple falling in love with one another are acceptable but are usually an unlawful way of approach. Meaning, that two people of the opposite sex start a relationship and then decide they want to marry. However, one must also realize that this is happening and therefore if a couple are in a relationship they must either get married immediately and save themselves from sin or separate.

If the father/ mother is aware then they should ensure that there is a successful outcome and if there is compatibility between the couple, they should try and ensure that the marriage takes place as soon as possible. Mere excuses, such as they are from a lower cast etc are not acceptable. However, valid reasons such as religion must be taken in to account.

Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

Secret Marriages

Secret marriages whilst recognised are severely disliked in Islam and even Haram when it goes against the will of the parents. The reason for this is that it means that those who are responsible for them are not advised of it and the couple will go against their parents by doing so. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has clearly stressed that the will of the father is the will of Allah (Bukhari) also how important it is to obtain the dua of one’s parents.

Whilst we recognise that sometime parents need to be advised, this should be done by asking relatives to intervene, or the local Imam or anyone who may have an influence over one’s parents and they can agree. Insha Allah a marriage can only ever obtain spiritual comfort if the dua of one’s mother and father is with them.

Whilst the secret marriage may be valid it does not mean it is right and blessed.

May Allah give us the ability to understand the sacred concept of marriage and the Islamic approach towards it.

What is the best way to find a partner in the UK? To find out and to read more articles on marriage visit:

Comments

Haroon Khan wrote:
lollywood bro , its real life ok, and it is stupitidy if i run with girl, its gona be big dirt on my family name i would never do that i would never embarace my family infront of people becouse of my any kinda stupid behaviour

In that sense just being with the girl unmarried is a mark on the family honour if you look at from an Asian point of view

If you can't ran away and you're worried about their honour then just agree with them and think of it as your fate you have an extra danger with the Afghan qabaili system if a person marries outside of the qabail it's a huge dishonour to the family and it becomes a matter of life and death, the feud carries on for 100's of generations

My English is not very good

i cant believe im going to say this but...

sigh...

i have a friend (and its a real friend! THIS ISNT ABT ME!) who has a boyfriend. and she's muslim. what do i do? when she talks abt him and tells us story do we tell her not to tell us?

this seems like the most obvious thing to do but the thing is... a few years ago she was all over the place, not practising, no scarf etc... and she mainly had guy mates and didnt have the best of relationship with girls. so now, we are the girl friends (and we basically represent the whole girl population) so if we push her away etc.. im afraid she'll think something along the lines "oh, i knew it, (muslim?) girls are like this" and just leave us and go with her guy friends and stay with her boyfriend. and maybe even distance herself from Islam?

should itry and get hold of the boy and tell him to leave her if he really means all he's being saying? (aka marriage, blah blah blah)

canny believe im here saying this... i wonder if its a good idea...

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Are you and this girl at school? Because you don't need to a genius to realise how short lived school romances are do you?
All you can do is remind her of how much you care for her and that you think this isn't a good idea, apart from that she has to do the realisation.

As you know, the WAY you tell her may be more important than what you say.

“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”

Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi

i know..the WAY..thats the hard bit. im a bit of a bullet point kinda person. tell it how it is...

its not a guy from school. i'm in only girl. she's here and he's in uni.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Ah well isn't that making things more complicated? They may be in different places, no?

“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”

Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi

The Lamp wrote:
Ah well isn't that making things more complicated? They may be in different places, no?

sorry? i dont get it? they still talk and text and msn or whatever... he doesnt have to be in school. and she's 19..its not preppy girl school crush anymore...

i need an effective way of telling her to stop dating...

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Lol! I meant different places emotionally, one may be more mature than the other.
The only thing you can do is tell her that it's highly unlikely to end well, remind her that it's not advisable in Islam.
If you ask her how much she really knows about him, and whether she can be sure that he won't get bored of her and move on (that's what Islam tries to protect us from) then it might get her thinking. But she'll have to eventually make that decision.
It's not your job to stop her or cut off from her, just to advise and be a true friend- which I'm sure you will! Wink

“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”

Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi

assalamoaleikum wa rehmatullahi wa barrakatahu.. i seriously need ur help..
my parents r searching a groom 4 me.. bt i luv a guy n i said bout dis 2 dem bt deya nt agreeing.. the rison deya saying no is dat he lives far away 4rm r city n has a Bachelor degree n since m doin MBA.. bt he earns a handsome salary n is well settled bt still deya sayin no.. deya nt e1 enquiring bout dat guy n witout knowing him directly deya rejecting him.. my parnts & my elder brother say u hav disappointed us by doin dis, v had so much faith in u.. n dis is affecting their health.. i thought atleast my elder brother will support me but e1 he's of da same opinion... m feelin vry alone, m nt able 2 understand wat 2 do.. me & dat guy had so many future plans n v no dat without r parents blessings n duas v wil nevr b happy.. my parnts & my brother r tellin me 2 4 gt dat guy which is impossibl 4 me.. dey say v want u 2 b happy n v r ur parents n v will choose a best guy 4 u.. nw u say hw can i liv hapy wit a person whom i don like???? wen i try 2 giv dem reference of Islam dat v hav da right 2 marry of r own choice, dey say u'v become so old dat ur teaching us bout Islam, sayin dis my mom starts crying dat u don care bout us.. u r just hurting us n u hav killed al r desires n dreams dat v had planned 4 u..
luking at my parents i agreed 2 their decision bt i no m doin a sin n i also no dat il neva b happy.. 1 side is my parents n my family's happiness n other side its da question bout my life.. v both luv each othr a lot bt r parnts r nt supporting us.. wat r v supposed 2 do pls rply as soon as posibl..
dua 4 us plss..

Arghhhhhhhhhh parents like that really get to me Sad

You say you've accepted their decision, and said yes to your parents decision - so you can't really try to go back now can you?

If you do end up marrying the guy your parents want you to, then you have to try your best to forget about the other one and stop telling yourself you "can't" get on with the new guy. Because usually (Islamically) love comes after marriage anyway, you just have to be willing to work on the situation and try your best. Though it would be much harder for you since you're already in love with someone else.

If you really think you can't marry the new guy, then perhaps you should tell that guy about how you love someone else, and get him to understand where you are coming from. But this would obviously lead to more 'shame' and lack of support etc. BUT it wouldn't be fair on the guy your parents have chosen for you, to not know the situation and actually try to make the situation work, when your heart just isn't in it.

I don't really know what else to say, and whatever I have said may or may not be good advice, sorry! But just wanted to show some support Smile InshaAllah whatever happens will happen for the best.

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

thnk u 4 ur advice but just 4 da sake of my parents i had 2 agree their decision n 2 describe in other words m being forced 2 4 get dat guy since i don want 2.. n Islam says dat those who force their children into marriage against their choice is a major sin 4 both parents n the children..

It's not a sin for you cuz you have no choice.

Will you be able to tell the guy you don't want to marry him?

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

i cant e1 think bout marryin another guy.. n if i do so il b cheating wit both da guys.. Sad

hop ur undrstnding my problem.. Sad

No I mean can you speak to the guy your parents want you to marry and tell him you don't want to marry him?

Of course you'd have to deal with the consequences of doing that too but would u prefer to be forced to marry or do that? You gotta think about that.

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

Asma Shaikh wrote:

thnk u 4 ur advice but just 4 da sake of my parents i had 2 agree their decision n 2 describe in other words m being forced 2 4 get dat guy since i don want 2.. n Islam says dat those who force their children into marriage against their choice is a major sin 4 both parents n the children..

 

Its not really forced if you agree. That's just not standing your ground.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:

Its not really forced if you agree. That's just not standing your ground.

What if you were forced into agreeing? 

My English is not very good

dats wats m sayin na dat m being forced 2 agree their decision Sorry 2

I really love the fact how simple islam is but ia m stuck in arranged marriage for 7yrs.It has been recently around 2 months that i like someone and my parents also know yet they do not want us to get maaried as they want me to get married to their choice as he is the only son with a load of inheritence.I would like to go by the Sunnah but i do not have permission from my family.What should i do?

Anami wrote:

they want me to get married to their choice as he is the only son with a load of inheritence.I would like to go by the Sunnah but i do not have permission from my family.What should i do?

This is a typical Pakistani practice you’re not alone, may Allah guide your parents  

My English is not very good

I see that the term "gold digger" is an urdu term.

Wait...

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:

I see that the term "gold digger" is an urdu term.

Wait...

 

The equivalent terms are

Bhookhe

Lalchi 

Mufaadparst

 

But you would not understand them

 

My English is not very good

those are not equivalent terms.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:

those are not equivalent terms.

Please tell me what are?

My English is not very good

lollywood wrote:

You wrote:

those are not equivalent terms.

Please tell me what are?


There are non. Duh

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:

 There are non. Duh

Are you sure?

A gold digger is someone who likes or takes interest to someone who is rich

 = Lalachi you only like them because of their wealth

 

 

My English is not very good

Lalachi is a general term for people who are greedy/ materialistic.

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:

Lalachi is a general term for people who are greedy/ materialistic.

A gold digger would also fall into the same category

They’re only getting married to the person because of their wealth if that same person was poor they wouldn’t

 

 

My English is not very good

But it's not the exact equivalent of the phrase gold-digger, is it? No. End of story. 

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:

But it's not the exact equivalent of the phrase gold-digger, is it? No. End of story. 

How about Sone ki talash karne wala

 

 In English they have words from other languages

 

This or that place is the Makka of so and so

He’s a Guru or Pandit of this thing

They have also started using the word fatwa for ruling

 

 

 

My English is not very good

i think we often think of forced marriages where there is honour killing, physical abuse and secretly taking chlidren to other countries against their will.

In fact, there is much sutle forms of this, emotional blackmail and emotional abuse through isolation are just as powerful and just as difficult to ignore.

here is an account of how this happens and that we should not forget that emotional abuse is just as powerful:

thanks,

 

Well to be honest, Prophet Muhammed (pbuh)  and his first wife Khadija (RA) were in love, he had fallen in love with her before marriage.... There is nothing saying you cannot fall in love.  he fell in love with her personality , her characteristics . He didnt need to sit down and "get to know her" just to fall in love... 
And also Islam does not encourage Arranged marriages... how can you allow a woman and a man to marry without knowing one another... That is what is classed as an arranged marriage. You cannot marry someone you do not know, you have not seen, etc. Prophet Muhammed (pbuh) didnt do it that way , so what makes us any better to do something different to the sunnah.... 

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