What Does Islam Say About Forced/Arranged/Love/ Secret Marriages?

By Shaykh Muhammad Salim Ghisa

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is also an important part of the Sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever leaves my Sunnah is not from amongst me” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat)

The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has also said as narrated by Ibn Masud (May Allah be pleased with him)

“Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at non permissible females and protects you from immorality. However, those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

However, we also find that in today’s day and age that there are many marriages that are improper or unfair and can make a person’s life miserable. These marriages are either forced or arranged against a person’s will. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.

We find that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding (baradarism) to arrange such forced marriages and then hide behind the religion of Islam to justify their actions.

Arranged marriages

Arranged marriages are allowed and promoted in Islam as long as they are accepted by both the bride and the groom. One of the conditions for the Nikah (marriage ceremony) to be valid is both the man and woman are asked independently of each other as to whether they agree with the marriage or not. If either of them say ‘no’ then the Nikah cannot continue , however, silence is regarded as consent. (Radd ul Mohtar).

The parents have a responsibility to ensure that both couples are compatible and do not arrange a marriage merely for their own social or personal reasons (i.e. 'she's my brothers daughter, lets get our son married to her'!). If the latter is the case then they will have to answer to Allah. The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave the strictest orders with relation to the rights of others. He said

“'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.” (Hadith Muslim 4257. Recorded by Mughirah b. Shuba).

When a suitable partner is chosen then four things are considered, out of which one should take importance and this is the religious practice of their prospective partners. Whilst the following Hadith is in relation to choosing a woman, it refers to both sexes: the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said

“A woman (or man) may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Although the Prophet advised the young Muslim to look for a religious partner, it does not mean that they should ignore their preferences regarding the physical beauty. The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) encouraged seeing a prospective partner before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim does not find his/herself trapped in a marriage with a woman/man he/she finds unattractive.

Al Mughirah Ibn Shaibah said “I got engaged to a woman at the time of the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He asked me “Have you seen her?” I said “No”. He said “go and have a look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility is established between you.” (Nasai)

Therefore, in the above situations we find that Islam promotes love and compatibility between husband and wife and recognizes that these are vital ingredients in a successful marriage.

Forced Marriages

Whilst we understand the importance of love and compatibility we must also ensure the approval of both parties. However, one must also recognize that forced marriage is a problem occurring today and Islam condemns it to the highest degree. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to some Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem.

As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.

If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;

Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.

Love Marriages

Marriages that are done due to a couple falling in love with one another are acceptable but are usually an unlawful way of approach. Meaning, that two people of the opposite sex start a relationship and then decide they want to marry. However, one must also realize that this is happening and therefore if a couple are in a relationship they must either get married immediately and save themselves from sin or separate.

If the father/ mother is aware then they should ensure that there is a successful outcome and if there is compatibility between the couple, they should try and ensure that the marriage takes place as soon as possible. Mere excuses, such as they are from a lower cast etc are not acceptable. However, valid reasons such as religion must be taken in to account.

Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

Secret Marriages

Secret marriages whilst recognised are severely disliked in Islam and even Haram when it goes against the will of the parents. The reason for this is that it means that those who are responsible for them are not advised of it and the couple will go against their parents by doing so. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has clearly stressed that the will of the father is the will of Allah (Bukhari) also how important it is to obtain the dua of one’s parents.

Whilst we recognise that sometime parents need to be advised, this should be done by asking relatives to intervene, or the local Imam or anyone who may have an influence over one’s parents and they can agree. Insha Allah a marriage can only ever obtain spiritual comfort if the dua of one’s mother and father is with them.

Whilst the secret marriage may be valid it does not mean it is right and blessed.

May Allah give us the ability to understand the sacred concept of marriage and the Islamic approach towards it.

What is the best way to find a partner in the UK? To find out and to read more articles on marriage visit:

Comments

i think what me and TPOS are about is that love - the stuff that makes marriage last decades - cannt be spontaneously created/stimualted with just one look. its more "physical attraction at first sight."

 

how can you feel love for someone who havent talked to? forget talked to actually, someone you havent seen talking yet. but here we're talking LITERAL "first sight"

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Lilly wrote:

i think what me and TPOS are about is that love - the stuff that makes marriage last decades - cannt be spontaneously created/stimualted with just one look. its more "physical attraction at first sight."

 

how can you feel love for someone who havent talked to? forget talked to actually, someone you havent seen talking yet. but here we're talking LITERAL "first sight"

 

How does a mother or father love her unborn child? Why do they feel the need to protect it?? They have not met the child. They have not spoken to the child. Why are some people more afraid of the dark?

Bcoz something deep inside tells you, makes you feel that way.

Back in BLACK

So you're saying it is an instinct.

I don't think u can compare a random person to your child. Especially the mother-child relationship.

The person could be a criminal or anything, it takes a while to get to know a person. Forget about a love/marriage relationship but just friends, colleagues, you don't automatically be best friends with them or whatever. It takes time to figure out what they're like an even if u do really hit it off, a little down the line you may discover something which makes you reconsider your opinion of them.

So how can u fall in love with a person u know (almost) nothing about?

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

Assalam alekum,

i need advice with duas of my well wishers. I  was belonged to Hindu family but i'm faalen in luv with muslim boy and got registered marriage with him also after accepted Islam. But our both families didn't permitt us and we are seperated now. but still we are looking for chance to be in bond and decided to live again. Unfourtnatelly, his marrigae is fixed with another girl for 29th October'2012 but he dont want to marry with her and he is doing this under pressurize of his family. And now he also promised me to talk with his famly regarding the cancellation of this proposel also. But i don't know what will be haapening eithert his family again pressurarized him to do nikaah with that girl or not?? But we still love each other and want to live/ spend our life also with each other. So Pls suggest me what to do now??? and if his parents didn't agree \to cancel the nikaah with another girl is this will be a valid nikaah(sunnat ) or invalid(haraam) after saying kabul also at that time b'coz this marriage will be forceable and pls dua for me insallah we meet again and this time no one can separte us.And will spend happy life with each other.....aameen....

 

I need your all help on this and advise also and also need your blessings...!!!!!

 

Alhamdulillah

Assalam alekum,

i need advice with duas of my well wishers. I  was belonged to Hindu family but i'm faalen in luv with muslim boy and got registered marriage with him also after accepted Islam. But our both families didn't permitt us and we are seperated now. but still we are looking for chance to be in bond and decided to live again. Unfourtnatelly, his marrigae is fixed with another girl for 29th October'2012 but he dont want to marry with her and he is doing this under pressurize of his family. And now he also promised me to talk with his famly regarding the cancellation of this proposel also. But i don't know what will be haapening eithert his family again pressurarized him to do nikaah with that girl or not?? But we still love each other and want to live/ spend our life also with each other. So Pls suggest me what to do now??? and if his parents didn't agree \to cancel the nikaah with another girl is this will be a valid nikaah(sunnat ) or invalid(haraam) after saying kabul also at that time b'coz this marriage will be forceable and pls dua for me insallah we meet again and this time no one can separte us.And will spend happy life with each other.....aameen....

 

I need your all help on this and advise also and also need your blessings...!!!!!

 

Alhamdulillah

May Allah help alleviate this for you. But at the same time make sure your 100% sure that you and the guy love each other because you dont want to go through a lot of heartache and then it doesnt even work out. And make sure he doesnt have any interest for the girl that his parents want him to marry. May Allah guide us all to the right path and the right spouses.

I think you'll find i can compare anything to anything... i am just that good. Example: Pants... like shorts but longer haha.

And yes he could be a criminal, a douch'e bag, a crack addict, a meth pedler... it wouldnt matter. Have you never heard the term love is blind? I never said the person would be good for you. Just look at all the d*ck heads girls start dating. They know hes a d*ck but they fall for him anyway (rolls eyes).

The love that lasts decades ofcourse is something that is developed and nurtured over a long period of time. But theres gotta be that ATTRACTION to begin with. I realise it doesnt make sense but its true. Stuff like this doesnt rarely ever make sense its more primal than anything. As younglings your just gonna have to trust me on this.

@Shahana: Well im afraid after hes said 'kabool hai' its a done deal. He can either be a man and step up to his family. Or he cant and you're going to lose him. There really isnt anything we can say or do to help here. Since you made the mistake in getting married (im assuming in secret) without dealing with all this crap first. Actions have consequences.

Back in BLACK

Well said

Sephy, you're totally talking about lust/infatuation Fool

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

Aaaw fluffy you want to know the difference, sometimes i actually forget how young you guys are haha

There are three main differences that you need to tell the difference:
1) The way it makes you feel (not just a MJ song Wink
2) Your intentions.
3) The focus of your attention.

Lust is all about BOW-CHICKA-WOWOW... or sex for all you grown ups. While love is more about wanting to spending time with the other person. Still dont understand? Heres an example:

'L.O.V.E'- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
'LUST'- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

See the difference? haha
I can come up with various other more colourful examples if you're still confused.

Back in BLACK

I may be young, but unfortunately not that innocent to need to have such things explained. I was *telling* you that you are talking about lust/infatuation/just fancying someone.

And that is one lame definition of love lol

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

Lifes all about learning so when making decisions... Stay far away from that love which seem to cause too much family damage and suffering its soooo not worth it Sad I learned it the hard way.

ROFL

I know this ain't a laughing matter, but Seraphim's description is just HILARIOUS. xD (Y)

 

That's all.

 

TPOS wrote:
I may be young, but unfortunately not that innocent to need to have such things explained. I was *telling* you that you are talking about lust/infatuation/just fancying someone. And that is one lame definition of love lol

Oooooooooooooohhhh, my my feef. I had no idea you werent that innocent... Angel  Speaking from experience are we. My mistake (evil smile).

LOL I didnt give a definition of love. I gave examples.

Back in BLACK

As Salaam O Alaykum...i just needed some advise on my yu can say circumstances...please do not jugde....I'm 18 and he is 18 too....bassicaly i've been in a relationship with someone for 3 years we want to get married, when i asked my mum she said no obv i asked her numerous times but the answer was still no just because he is from outside the family and a different culture ofcourse  he is Muslim Alhumdulillah.... I have an older brother who is really strict he doesnt know that i love this boy but when he does find out i'm 100% sure he will kill me he swore by Allah he will kill me and read the kalimah however he found out from somebody else that i speak to this boy and he was very violence towards me to a point where a knife was pulled out on me but Alhumdulillah i survived but since then i've not mentioned anything about mariage because i know the day i do will be my last day on earth but we love each other a lot and we can't let go,hes parents said yes..i dont know what will be the best option for us islamicly..so could you please advise me on this situation.

Jazaak'Allah Khairan

Islamically... your supposed to honour your parents and NOT have illicit relationships with random guys. You cant do something wrong and then expect something good to come out of it. It dont work that way.

Forget the boy, listen to your parents and lead a good life.

Back in BLACK

u need to remember that ur going to be living with this guy for the rest of your life.so if u don't like him don't marry him.And with all due respect if ur mum is trying to force u into the most important decision of your life then u need to take a stand coz if u don't peopel will walk all over u. and believe me i'v seen it happen.

Seraphim wrote:

Islamically... your supposed to honour your parents and NOT have illicit relationships with random guys. You cant do something wrong and then expect something good to come out of it. It dont work that way.

Forget the boy, listen to your parents and lead a good life.

 

+1

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Seraphim wrote:

Islamically... your supposed to honour your parents and NOT have illicit relationships with random guys. You cant do something wrong and then expect something good to come out of it. It dont work that way.

Forget the boy, listen to your parents and lead a good life.

 

Well, this is a bad situation, a catch 22.

The girl's trying to make a volatile situation better, by marrying. Whether that will is another issue.

But it seems as if the family is ultra-"conservative", as in very cultural. Obviously, we should honour our parents and not make a bad situation worse by eloping, as it may be tempting but often the relationship may go wrong and you'll have no one (except Allah swt) to turn to.

If your family are going to force you into another marriage, for the sake of "honour" then you should get help. From an enlightened Imam, community leader, teacher, or someone you trust.

“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”

Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi

im all for honouring the parents. but sometimes the parents are stuck in their stubborn cultural (and often against Islam) ways. thats when it feels like its more than a catch-22. (catch 44 maybe?)

 

when i see this stuff im just GRATEFUL it wasnt written for me.

 

but that isnt enough..coz you gotta help your mates...

urgh.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Marriage makes good drama. Hence the hundreds of soaps about it. And it tends to interest their chosen audiences... ie. mummies and aunties etc.

Although i dont know what its like in Pakistan (not been in like 10yrs) but if those are the two trends of today. Then its a messed up country (thats just my opinon, hope no ones offended).

And I heard as it were, the noise of thunder. One of the four beasts saying come and see and I beheld, a pale horse. And his name that sat on him was Death... and Hell followed with him.

Yes, Its not the right way of marriage. And I'm also in the severe situation and I'm a muslim guy and whom I love she is also a muslim and we both are  belongs to Pathan's. I had send my mother to her home for my marriage talk and my mother has gone there and she talk to the mother of her in the other manner that she has not know the girl and not tell anything about my LOVE. My mother say that the girl is so good and she is agree for my marriage to that girl. But when the mother has come in my home to see me than she said that boy is so young and that point of view she has not agree and now see any other boy. And she agree with other person and she select with him. But I'm refuses what should I do in my family all the members of my family face this situation and want this marriage. But in the other home there is not allowed the LOVE MARRIAGE so I afraid that there is no one know that thing so that's why I want the marriage in the arrange manner. But that side her mother had decided and final the decision to marriage her with that other guy. So I'm in the situation what should I do and she is not want to marry that guy she is in very pressure from her family and her family members did not know the girl opinion the father and the mother only decide it and don't interupt her in this so it's not the favaorable marriage what should I do please tell me. +91 8802919410, +91 9136434745,  +91 9266643634 please tell me what sholu I do. I LOVE HIM A LOT.

Yes, Its not the right way of marriage. And I'm also in the severe situation and I'm a muslim guy and whom I love she is also a muslim and we both are  belongs to Pathan's. I had send my mother to her home for my marriage talk and my mother has gone there and she talk to the mother of her in the other manner that she has not know the girl and not tell anything about my LOVE. My mother say that the girl is so good and she is agree for my marriage to that girl. But when the mother has come in my home to see me than she said that boy is so young and that point of view she has not agree and now see any other boy. And she agree with other person and she select with him. But I'm refuses what should I do in my family all the members of my family face this situation and want this marriage. But in the other home there is not allowed the LOVE MARRIAGE so I afraid that there is no one know that thing so that's why I want the marriage in the arrange manner. But that side her mother had decided and final the decision to marriage her with that other guy. So I'm in the situation what should I do and she is not want to marry that guy she is in very pressure from her family and her family members did not know the girl opinion the father and the mother only decide it and don't interupt her in this so it's not the favaorable marriage what should I do please tell me. +91 8802919410, +91 9136434745,  +91 9266643634 please tell me what sholu I do. I LOVE HIM A LOT.

I came searching for "What if I don't want to get married" in Islam to this threa, about Islamic marriages.

 

I am not sure where to begin, if liking each other and having an understanding is considered haraam (because in today's world that can only be done by talking to some one who is non mahraam) than yes, I have. I have known the guy since high school. We were friends who talked about projects and homework. We went to university, he graduated in elecletrical engineering while I did psychology. I have a great career and so does he. I didn't tell my parents about him because in our society, a guy needs to be "Rich", edicuated have an extensive background involving some relations to "big shots" (some army officer, some political figure) etc. Otherwise they are not considered good enough.

 

In our family, it's all about the caste, my family belongs to the "syed" family and man are they arrogant about it. They take so much pride in it that they think everyone else in the human race is not even a human. It bothers me like nothing else. I grew up believing that everyone is equal and deserves equal respect.  I just don't understand, if our society has become so corrupt that a human is not considered "good enough" based on their "Caste", their "father's wealth"  than how do we hold children responsible for acting out?

 

If Islam gives the right for people to get married than why do parents put 1000 other requirements on this? I told my mother about the guy who wants to marry me, she bursts into this emotional black mailing conversation. She can't talk to my father, because he will just refuse because the guy is not  syed. My mother thinks he is nothing special because he is like any other guy. And I can't understand that if he is like any other guy than why cant I marry HIM?!

His father, is black mailing him, asking him to marry his cousin from village who is 10 years odler than him. His support is that Jehan's grand father asked him to marry Jehan when he was born to his cousin Saima(and she was 10 at that time) because she took care of the ill grandfather.

 

And now if Jehan doesnt do that, he can basically accept himself disowned from the family. So here I am, where my parents are into the "caste rut" and he is stuck in the "marry my niece" drama.

 

What DO WE DO!?

Not always, not if you try to do right by others and avoid breaking too many eggs.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

This topic is kinda dangerous for us to be commenting on, what do we know about this stuff?!

Could we direct all such people to the text service?

@the sister asking, these are just my thoughts and opinions,not advice.

It makes me angry when parents do that sort of stuff, it really makes me understand and "support" those who would elope in such a situation. I mean you guys aren't asking for anything wrong and it's just the stupid pathetic requirements which are in the way, requirements which aren't about how good a person is, but their "caste", like as if lineage is everything! Such people need to be reminded of how Prophet Yusuf (as) brothers had a perfect lineage - brothers of prophet, sons of a prophet, great grandsons of a prophet (pbbut) but that didn't stop them from trying to kill their own brother!!
URGH

I don't really thinking eloping is a good idea though...

Keeping making dua, asking Allah to guide to the best/right solution, hope u get it soon!

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

JustCurious wrote:
I came searching for "What if I don't want to get married" in Islam to this threa, about Islamic marriages.

 

I am not sure where to begin, if liking each other and having an understanding is considered haraam (because in today's world that can only be done by talking to some one who is non mahraam) than yes, I have. I have known the guy since high school. We were friends who talked about projects and homework. We went to university, he graduated in elecletrical engineering while I did psychology. I have a great career and so does he. I didn't tell my parents about him because in our society, a guy needs to be "Rich", edicuated have an extensive background involving some relations to "big shots" (some army officer, some political figure) etc. Otherwise they are not considered good enough.

 

In our family, it's all about the caste, my family belongs to the "syed" family and man are they arrogant about it. They take so much pride in it that they think everyone else in the human race is not even a human. It bothers me like nothing else. I grew up believing that everyone is equal and deserves equal respect.  I just don't understand, if our society has become so corrupt that a human is not considered "good enough" based on their "Caste", their "father's wealth"  than how do we hold children responsible for acting out?

 

If Islam gives the right for people to get married than why do parents put 1000 other requirements on this? I told my mother about the guy who wants to marry me, she bursts into this emotional black mailing conversation. She can't talk to my father, because he will just refuse because the guy is not  syed. My mother thinks he is nothing special because he is like any other guy. And I can't understand that if he is like any other guy than why cant I marry HIM?!

His father, is black mailing him, asking him to marry his cousin from village who is 10 years odler than him. His support is that Jehan's grand father asked him to marry Jehan when he was born to his cousin Saima(and she was 10 at that time) because she took care of the ill grandfather.

 

And now if Jehan doesnt do that, he can basically accept himself disowned from the family. So here I am, where my parents are into the "caste rut" and he is stuck in the "marry my niece" drama.

 

What DO WE DO!?

 

First and foremost your "relationship" started with sin, by getting involved with a guy behind your parents back, now when things are gone all awry you start blaming your parents?

Fair enough your parents are wrong in wanting only someone of a certain class, but you had no right to break the command of Allah. If you want the help of Allah break away from this guy, make taubah for your sins and leave the rest to Allah. You cannot be living in the disobedience of Allah and still be hoping for his mercy. May Allah forgive your sins and grant you that which is best for you. Ameen.

do u think cousin marriage is ok in islam? im 17 and im going to have one but idk if its ok in islam... my mom wants me to have it and my grandpa told me at a young age

do u think cousin marriage is ok in islam? im 17 and im going to have one but idk if its ok in islam... my mom wants me to have it and my grandpa told me at a young age

amber syed wrote:
do u think cousin marriage is ok in islam? im 17 and im going to have one but idk if its ok in islam... my mom wants me to have it and my grandpa told me at a young age

Yes, Islam permits cousin marriages and it is permissable. The prophet Muhammad (S) married Zaynab bint Jahsh who was his first cousin. You have the approval of your family, and you seem to be happy about it, so inshaAllah, you can go for it.

-

(However over the recent years, studies have emerged proving that if cousin marriages continue overal several generation, there is a risk of certain health issues). 

 

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