What Does Islam Say About Forced/Arranged/Love/ Secret Marriages?

By Shaykh Muhammad Salim Ghisa

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is also an important part of the Sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever leaves my Sunnah is not from amongst me” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat)

The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has also said as narrated by Ibn Masud (May Allah be pleased with him)

“Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at non permissible females and protects you from immorality. However, those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

However, we also find that in today’s day and age that there are many marriages that are improper or unfair and can make a person’s life miserable. These marriages are either forced or arranged against a person’s will. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.

We find that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding (baradarism) to arrange such forced marriages and then hide behind the religion of Islam to justify their actions.

Arranged marriages

Arranged marriages are allowed and promoted in Islam as long as they are accepted by both the bride and the groom. One of the conditions for the Nikah (marriage ceremony) to be valid is both the man and woman are asked independently of each other as to whether they agree with the marriage or not. If either of them say ‘no’ then the Nikah cannot continue , however, silence is regarded as consent. (Radd ul Mohtar).

The parents have a responsibility to ensure that both couples are compatible and do not arrange a marriage merely for their own social or personal reasons (i.e. 'she's my brothers daughter, lets get our son married to her'!). If the latter is the case then they will have to answer to Allah. The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave the strictest orders with relation to the rights of others. He said

“'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.” (Hadith Muslim 4257. Recorded by Mughirah b. Shuba).

When a suitable partner is chosen then four things are considered, out of which one should take importance and this is the religious practice of their prospective partners. Whilst the following Hadith is in relation to choosing a woman, it refers to both sexes: the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said

“A woman (or man) may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Although the Prophet advised the young Muslim to look for a religious partner, it does not mean that they should ignore their preferences regarding the physical beauty. The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) encouraged seeing a prospective partner before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim does not find his/herself trapped in a marriage with a woman/man he/she finds unattractive.

Al Mughirah Ibn Shaibah said “I got engaged to a woman at the time of the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He asked me “Have you seen her?” I said “No”. He said “go and have a look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility is established between you.” (Nasai)

Therefore, in the above situations we find that Islam promotes love and compatibility between husband and wife and recognizes that these are vital ingredients in a successful marriage.

Forced Marriages

Whilst we understand the importance of love and compatibility we must also ensure the approval of both parties. However, one must also recognize that forced marriage is a problem occurring today and Islam condemns it to the highest degree. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to some Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem.

As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.

If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;

Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.

Love Marriages

Marriages that are done due to a couple falling in love with one another are acceptable but are usually an unlawful way of approach. Meaning, that two people of the opposite sex start a relationship and then decide they want to marry. However, one must also realize that this is happening and therefore if a couple are in a relationship they must either get married immediately and save themselves from sin or separate.

If the father/ mother is aware then they should ensure that there is a successful outcome and if there is compatibility between the couple, they should try and ensure that the marriage takes place as soon as possible. Mere excuses, such as they are from a lower cast etc are not acceptable. However, valid reasons such as religion must be taken in to account.

Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

Secret Marriages

Secret marriages whilst recognised are severely disliked in Islam and even Haram when it goes against the will of the parents. The reason for this is that it means that those who are responsible for them are not advised of it and the couple will go against their parents by doing so. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has clearly stressed that the will of the father is the will of Allah (Bukhari) also how important it is to obtain the dua of one’s parents.

Whilst we recognise that sometime parents need to be advised, this should be done by asking relatives to intervene, or the local Imam or anyone who may have an influence over one’s parents and they can agree. Insha Allah a marriage can only ever obtain spiritual comfort if the dua of one’s mother and father is with them.

Whilst the secret marriage may be valid it does not mean it is right and blessed.

May Allah give us the ability to understand the sacred concept of marriage and the Islamic approach towards it.

What is the best way to find a partner in the UK? To find out and to read more articles on marriage visit:

Comments

Asalamu Alaikum,

Sure why not. Just one thing prepare yourself because you may be in for a lot of stress from aunts, cousins etc.

Do not back-talk. It is very, very dangerous. The reason I'm saying this is because different traditions such as Indian, Bengali, cultures etc are known to back-talk.

Now to discuss the dangers of back-talking. So let’s say there was someone who sinned, nearly all his life. And there was one person who always back talked about the sinning person. On the day of judgement. Allah shwa will question the sinner and the sinner will say: But this person talked behind my back instead of guiding me. So Allah will take every good deed for every back talking they did. It could be that the back talker could have minus good deeds.

It doesn’t even matter if it's true. if it's true it's still back talk no matter what anyone says. Lying about someone behind their backs is called slander after all.

So the back talker is actually buying you your place in jannah and sending themselves to jahannam.

So expect a lot of back-talk. But we now know how you would benefit in the akhira.

Good luck on your marriage Insha Allah.

 

if one knew about the atrocity of jahannam, one would wish for NO ONE to go there. even or a second.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Aslamu alaikum,

Well me spain me 10 12 sal se rehti hoon bht choti age me agay n me hoon b apni sistesr me older, abi me 18 ki hoon.

Problem yeh he ke me jab 14-15 ki thi to ek blog se i meet a boy just friendship n phr age baat barh gay, me kyunke choti thi nadaan b (maybe itni b nai) per mene bas yeh sab itni had tak hi rakha. Hum dono me kafi understanding b thi n then kuch time baad kuch baten karte pata chala k i know his family n k ache friends b hen humare per kafi time se mile nai the kyunke unki family kuch time england thi.

Mene hamesha koshish ki ke koi galat qadam nai uthaoon just kyunke Allah ko nai pasand n kyunke baad me muje hi pachtava hota. phr like 2010 me ek cousin ne mujse jealous ho ke to sab bata dia mere parents tak baat ay to mene bht kuch sunah n then i realised k jo mene  kya anjane m kya per izzat itni harab hogi ya chances hen yeh nai tha pata.

My mama told me k yeh hoga wo hoga to i decided que me wait karoongi cz he used to say k jab me 18 ki hui to rishta beje gha for marry me.

To me parhay me lag gay aur poori koshish ki ke abh dobara kuch aisa nai karoon kyunke me pyaar feel usi ke lie karti thi to kisi aur se aisi baat to mene hud nai sochi (Allah better jaante hen).

Yeh sab thora introduce karne k lie bataya take samaj paen ap log.

Abh last year mere ek aur couzin ka risthe ka muje pata chala like university ki entry se pehle k exam se pehle. me bht tention me ay cz wo couzin mujse 7 8 sal barha he n mind open he per itna b nai aur i feel k unke sath i cant live.

Mene bht baat tali bht kaha ke age problem he  yeh he wo he, cz really bht problem hen unse muje per mere parents sirf n sirf kehte hen k jidar tum chahti ho hum kabhi nai karenge, halake aj tak wo dosre boy se mile b nai.

Aur yeh hi kehte hen ke hum idar h karenge yeh bht acha he yeh wo, i know ke ache hen per bht chizen muje pata chali jo muje important lagti hen per mere parents ko nai n muje wo chizen nai pasand unki.

Such to yeh b he k last year jabh me 18 ki ho gay to us boy ki mama pakistan se ay n mere ghar mera rishta b maangne ay per mere papa ne usi time inkaar kar dia. mere bht rone per meri mama mili us boy se per sirf yeh hi kehne gay ke nai karna.

Muje bht bura lagta he kyunke mene b 2 sal wait kya us boy ne b, is me me phr dokha nai samaj sakhti kyunke usne apna kia hua wada poora kya n mere samne meri mama ko b samjaya per yeh apni zid per hen ke humne couzins me hi karni he.

Me bht hasaas b hoon n choti si baat per roti hoon dil k problems bht hen muje abh, sab notice karte hen n puchte hen k isko kya hua yeh to bht aisi thi waisi thi per abh me bht chup rehti hoon marsk b nai ache a rahe.

Mera university ka first year tha wo b mera bht bura ho raha he sab, my parents see it, per apn ibaat per hi hen k u compromise.

Mene some months pehle jab bht hi tention me baat agay thi to mene istekhara kya n such kahon to mere istekhare ka jawab me mera cousin nai aya (muje bas zariya mila k is rishte ko kese taloon). So i did, per mere papa ne nai mana. i must say k mere papa bht religious n bht ache hen, life me kisi cheez ki kami nai hone di unhone, per yeh unki wish he aur is wish se me laakh b samjaon apne aapko mere dil me sakoon nai ata. Me nai is baat ko accept kar sakhti aur abh to muje yeh b pata he k us boy ne b mera wait kya aur mere lie rishta b beja aur jabh hum meri mama se n us se mile to he also said ke wo mujse hi shadi kare gha ke usne bht wait kya.

Hum dono ko namazon men sakoon ata he ke sab thik hoga, per samaj nai ati ke din badin halaat harab hi ho rahe hen, kyunke muje sab fesle jaldbaazi me karne parhte hen. (Yeh us boy ne muje jabh mama ke sath mile to bataya k usko b namazon men sakoon ata he k humare huq m hoga sab).

Abi b me is saal pak jaoongi in sha Allah aur muje pata he ke yeh meri couzin se mangani karenge per i dont want, i dont know ke kya karoon bht muhskil he mere lie sab. mere cousin ko b sab pata he per wo b kuch nai kar rahe. For me he is my brother maybe sab se barha cousin per mere dil dimag me he is only my brother.

To plz muje advise den, kyunke such to yeh he ke na mene na us boy ne kabhi socha b nai tha ke hum baag jaenge, sab izzat se karna chhate hen per if mere parents usko milne k bager reject karen aur emre sath zabardasti karen to muje fair nai lagta, kyunke humne unke kehne per chor dia sab.

Aur muje fesla karne se pehle bht sochna parhta he cz meri behnon ki zindagee ko kya karenge pak bej denge parhne nai denge muje nai samaj ati k me kya karoon.

Kyunke na me mama papa ko chor sakhti hoon aur na h ime us cousin se shadi kar sakhti hoon. wo jo dosra boy he usne b muje dokha nai dia is lie usko chorna b mushkil lagta he muje. Maybe yeh selfish ho per meri intention nai.Me bht roti hoon bht mushkil me rehti hoon isi koshish me k kisi ko dukh na ho, per me hud dukhi rehti hoon aur besakoni men. Mere dil me sakon he kyunke ek baar nai kai dreams ya kai bar naamz k baad aisa laga k Allah humare sath hen per besakooni bht jald ati he. Aur abh couzin se mangani i dont know kya karoon. Plz advise me.

 

Note: is post me mene sab general likhne ki koshish ki cz as u can imagine k 2 3 sal ki baten men likhoon to post bht bhtbht lamba ho per is men mene wo sab kaha jo main main problem he. Kuch aisa nai chora jo important na ho.

I hope u can help me

 

Thanks to all

 

 

 

Assalamualaikum,

i really need help.. does islam permit to to marry a hindu sincerely converted to islam and follows everthing in islam? i love a guy who works with me but he is a driver but am a graduate working in higher post in my institute. he was a hindu but later he converted to islam and following islam when he approched to my parents to marry me my parents totally denied him and degraded of saying he is a driver, he does not earn that must to keep me happy, he will surely revert back from islam one day, and my parents says that they will loose our family name, pride, status, position and all that and above all my parents promised on quran saying if i marry him they would commit suicide.. i really wanted to marry this guy and i cant marry any other guy and live a nonsence life. what can i say my parents to convine them.. i and him wanted to marry with our parents permission. i really dont wanted to go against my parents and dont wanted to leave this guy.. does islam does not permit a girl to marry a guy who has converted to islam?

tabasum

Asallam mualaikum,

My best advice would be to get advice from a trusted sheikh. Then ask the sheikh to come talk to your parent's so that they can't bring up the excuse of "in our tradition" etc. Inshallah the sheikh will intervene whenever they try to bend the teachings of our rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam (Peace and Blessings be upon him) and the Holy Quran.

The question is would you rather please your parents and displease Allah (shwa) and be punished by Allah (shwa)?

Or would you displease your parents and gain the mercy of Allah(shwa)? If Allah (shwa) can forgive someone while the people around that person can't forgive. Then it's like saying they are above... (that sounds like pride).

"He will not enter Paradise who has even a speck of pride in his heart." [Muslim]

"Pride and superiority are like two exclusive garments of Allah. So one who acts proud has made war on Allah."

 

(Al-Kafi)

Just look at our rasul's first wife! She was very intelligent. And our rasool was illiterate.

Suicide? That sounds like if you do go ahead with it. They will seek revenge on their own flesh and blood, risking their own lives so that you feel guilty forever.

Keep in mind that suicide will surely open for them the gates of jahanam.

Read my post about backing talking (my above post) and how you would benefit.

Inshallah your parents acknowledge your choices.

Keep us updated.

Qyuubi786

 

you can try talking to them about not judging him and giving him a chance but your parents seem to be big on pride, family name, status, position. what would be best probably is get someone who your parents esteem (an older family member, imaam, or someone like that) to talk to them, to remindthem that this stuff is only for this life and can change anytime in any way. also that this man gave up everything he had and became a muslim so inshaaAlllah he wont revert back.

theres nothignin islam that says you arent allowed to marry someone who converted. he;s a muslim now. thats all that matters in islam.

 

one last piece of advice, get closer to Allah, He knows whats best for you, and if you get closer to Him subhanahu wata'ala you'll be able to accept and see what He wants more easily inshaaAllah

 

Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu ’alayhi wa sallam) said, "Allah, the Exalted, has said: `I will declare war against him who treats with hostility a pious worshipper of Mine. And the most beloved thing with which My slave comes nearer to Me, is what I have enjoined upon him; and My slave keeps on coming closer to Me through performing Nawafil (voluntary prayers or doing extra deeds besides what is obligatory) until I love him, (so much so that) I become his hearing with which he hears, and his sight with which he sees, and his hand with which he strikes, and his leg with which he walks; and if he asks Me something, I will surely give him, and if he seeks My Protection (refuge), I will surely protect him".
[Al-Bukhari]

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

qyuubi786 wrote:
Asallam mualaikum,

My best advice would be to get advice from a trusted sheikh. Then ask the sheikh to come talk to your parent's so that they can't bring up the excuse of "in our tradition" etc. Inshallah the sheikh will intervene whenever they try to bend the teachings of our rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam (Peace and Blessings be upon him) and the Holy Quran.

The question is would you rather please your parents and displease Allah (shwa) and be punished by Allah (shwa)?

Or would you displease your parents and gain the mercy of Allah(shwa)? If Allah (shwa) can forgive someone while the people around that person can't forgive. Then it's like saying they are above... (that sounds like pride).

"He will not enter Paradise who has even a speck of pride in his heart." [Muslim]

"Pride and superiority are like two exclusive garments of Allah. So one who acts proud has made war on Allah."

 

(Al-Kafi)

Just look at our rasul's first wife! She was very intelligent. And our rasool was illiterate.

Suicide? That sounds like if you do go ahead with it. They will seek revenge on their own flesh and blood, risking their own lives so that you feel guilty forever.

Keep in mind that suicide will surely open for them the gates of jahanam.

Read my post about backing talking (my above post) and how you would benefit.

Inshallah your parents acknowledge your choices.

Keep us updated.

Qyuubi786

+1.

Sounds very much like a bollywood movie.

And I heard as it were, the noise of thunder. One of the four beasts saying come and see and I beheld, a pale horse. And his name that sat on him was Death... and Hell followed with him.

qyuubi786 wrote:
Asallam mualaikum,

My best advice would be to get advice from a trusted sheikh. Then ask the sheikh to come talk to your parent's so that they can't bring up the excuse of "in our tradition" etc. Inshallah the sheikh will intervene whenever they try to bend the teachings of our rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam (Peace and Blessings be upon him) and the Holy Quran.

The question is would you rather please your parents and displease Allah (shwa) and be punished by Allah (shwa)?

Or would you displease your parents and gain the mercy of Allah(shwa)? If Allah (shwa) can forgive someone while the people around that person can't forgive. Then it's like saying they are above... (that sounds like pride).

"He will not enter Paradise who has even a speck of pride in his heart." [Muslim]

"Pride and superiority are like two exclusive garments of Allah. So one who acts proud has made war on Allah."

 

(Al-Kafi)

Just look at our rasul's first wife! She was very intelligent. And our rasool was illiterate.

Suicide? That sounds like if you do go ahead with it. They will seek revenge on their own flesh and blood, risking their own lives so that you feel guilty forever.

Keep in mind that suicide will surely open for them the gates of jahanam.

Read my post about backing talking (my above post) and how you would benefit.

Inshallah your parents acknowledge your choices.

Keep us updated.

Qyuubi786

+1.

Sounds very much like a bollywood movie.

And I heard as it were, the noise of thunder. One of the four beasts saying come and see and I beheld, a pale horse. And his name that sat on him was Death... and Hell followed with him.

What I'm assuming or what the sister said?

 

My friend came to my house for lunch and stayed longer than the other friends, my mother bonded with him excellently and stated there and then as he left that you should marry him, he wud be perfect for you. Later i came to realise after he visited me, under my mums encouragement tho she denies this now, that I love him.  We have been together for 1 year almost and still feel very strongly. however my mum doesnt want him as a son in law in any way shape or form anymore after he almost made a comment that was appropraite for the context  of the convo but inappropriate to an elder, and although i have managed to make her hear his apology she treats me like a child, does not trust me, and makes threats that hurt me if he comes to the house to propose.  I do sabr and dua everyday but she is very headstrong and stubborn. Can i please have advice, because I am very happy with him and likewise and we wish to marry. tho when the time is right, or else a lot of friction will start again, it is hard now as it is.

My father accepts him, he is well respected within the community, just my mother shows no respect nor consideration for my happiness.

Walaikumassalam, 

Yeah friends we tried that too he brought one aalim ( scholar ) with him to ask my hand to my father but even then my father dint allowed that aalim ( scholar ) to talk a word. my father said that was old age when sahaba converted to islam and truly stayed in islam.. but now nobody converts to islam truly and all my relatives will talk ill about me etc etc..  now a days my parents blackmail me by saying they will suicide or by saying they will curse me i cant enter jannath and says in islam first childrens have to please our parents and am misbehaving am so worried after hearing this.. 

my father says he has converted to islam after doing zina (zina by seeing me).. only after seeing your way of living he has converted to islam to marry you.. this means he has started a relationship by doing a zina (by seeing me) is this true.. 

please help friends am very frustrated after hearing this..

tabasum

Asallam mualaikum,

 It would be better if you yourself get guidance from a sheikh or more than one sheikh. What do you mean by "my father dint allowed that aalim ( scholar ) to talk a word."?

Our Sahaba Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam (Peace and Blessings be upon him) didn't convert to Islam. He formed islam through the revelation of the quran. (Forum members correct me if I'm wrong jazakallah) Saying no one converts to Islam fully nowadays is based on assumptions. Its like saying this person will go to hell. No one knows what someone's destiny is accept Allah (shwa).

Let them talk all they want when judgement day comes you will take one good deed for every time they talked ill about you. 

Cursing? Cursing is a major sin isn't it? (Forum members correct me if I'm wrong jazakallah) Im no expert on the first child having to please their parents. I'm sure someone with better knowledge will verify this.

What is his definition of zina? Zina means unlawful or pre-marital sexual relations. So long as you didn't commit adultery it is not counted as zina as far as I am aware. (Forum members correct me if I'm wrong jazakallah).

Inshallah Allah (shwa) guides you to safety.

 

Assalamualaikum,

First of all thanks a lot.. i was in a very big situation thinking that am doing a major sin but after talking to you people feeling relief.. "my father dint allowed that aalim ( scholar ) to talk a word."? i mean like before scholar could say anything my father told him to get out of my home i am not giving my hand to a driver or a converted muslim.. 
my consent is again if i talk about this guy to my parents will they accept or if they do anything wrong like suicide i will not forgive myself so should i forget this guy and go according to my parents decision which is very hard for me..
 
Please pray my father should accept..

tabasum

Asallam mualaikum,

From what it looks like your father can not face and admit that he is in the wrong.

There are alot of stubborn people in the world. I dont know how to change your father. But if you do obey your fathers wishes. I would make sure not to repeat the same mistakes he did (if you get an arranged marriage, your father most likely will find someone just like him). Use our prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam (Peace and Blessings be upon him) and his wives as a guide not follow tradition that goes against the shariah. 

 I would personally go ahead with the marriage. In Islam the husband has to provide his wife with; food, a house... i don't remember the rest. Is he able to do so? The other option- Do both you and your potential husband have enough to buy a house, provide for each other?

Who would you rather please; your father, or Allah (shwa) the forgiving. Who can save you from the fire of hell.

I've heard that our rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam (Peace and Blessings be upon him) is closer to all the muslim ummah than our own parents ever will be. Someone who dies and who is in debt, our rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam (Peace and Blessings be upon him) will repay this debt off.

I will pray that he accepts and doesn't cause harm to himself or to you.

qyuubi786

 

In pleasing our parents we please Allah too. Displeasing them means displeasing Allah, unless they are asking us to do something wrong. Just saying.

The companions did convert from their old religious beliefs and a lot of them were young, Ali (ra) being only 10yrs old, Zaid ibn Harith (ra) a teenager, Umar(ra) in his 20s, to name a few examples.

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

Asallam mualaikum,

I would say "you're the one who recommended him in the first place. Just because he said one thing inappropriate your views of him has changed completely. He didn't realize that he offended you." Actually get your dad to say something along those lines.

I've came to the conclusion that daughters get along with their fathers more than their mother. And vice-versa. So I would ask your father to convince her.

Check out my post above. That shows the youtube link.

And check out the videos by sheikh shady. My conclusion is based on what sheikh shady says. The potential husband asks for his daughters hand in marriage... You have the upper hand of your father acknowledging him.

Qyuubi786

 

That's true. But they would resort to suicide and what it sounds like black magic(curse). Which are both against Islam.

They want to get married. They haven't (i hope they haven't) commit zina. All that seems to be in the way is pride and tradition. Like how the new wife of the house becomes a slave to the father-in-law.

When the married brother makes a mistake. All the other family members brush it off just because the brother is part of the family. But when the new sister inlaw makes one small mistake it sticks in our minds forever. And the parents of the brother come to the conclusion of the wife is evil and is trying to take my son away from us. And the son is stuck in between obeying his wife or parents.

This is one of the reasons why the husband should be able to provide a home adequate living space etc for the wife.

 

My father tries to keep the peace  in the household as much as, and will usually go along with my mothers wishes to keep her quiet, since she is very authoritative and unflexible. He has spoken to her various times and the last time this was brought up he said it is unfair to make me(as in my dad) make a decision on this boy when i have only met him once and for a short period of time.  My mother does not trust me, naturaly i can understand this since i have been in spain for a year and my 'partner' came to visit along with another friend, with the permission of my mother. and I still stay in contact with him eventhough she has told me not to. She doesnt listen to me at all though, and accuses me of being infatuated yet infatuation lasts a matter of months. alhamdulillah there are no major problems i have with his character, the only problems we have encountered as a couple are those which my mother causes.

Ayesha_w

Asallam mualaikum,

It's nice to see there are fathers like that. Mashallah.

It might be that your mother is keeping something she doesn't want to discuss. (That's only my opinion)

What age range is your mother? Because the older someone gets the softer they get.

Remember that you aren't going to live with your parents your whole life. A husband should be able to provide his wife with a house, adequate living space, financially... there is more just dont remember everything. And therefore your mother wont even be in contact with him. If you manage to marry him and gain your mother's approval.

If tradition gets in the way from your husband's side. You will most likely be made to move in to your husband's house. And then the wife becomes the slave (I didn't want to offend you) of the father in-law; Oh she can't do this! She can't go there! Where is my tea? I dont approve of this!

And if you try to speak your mind; oh she's not a good person, it's because she isn't part of the family.

It goes on and on. And the person who's getting hurt the most is the husband who is stuck in-between.

When the wife goes into a house where she hardly knows anyone. And one small mistake and everyone hates her. Ask any sister or sister inlaw what life was or is still like living under the roof of their husbands parents.

That's what happens in Bengali tradition.

So it would be best for your potential husband to take finding a place for the both of you into consideration.

I'll be honest I was like that. But my bro pointed out our big mistakes we all have been making.

It's best to prepare yourself.

Qyuubi786

 

My mum is say 45 years old I think. She does seem to hide stuff but thats because I know she says one thing and swears by sticking to it but actually mixes up her words when she says the same thing again.  Plus she does exagerate a lot. Alhamdulillah my partners' family love me, his mum doesnt know that we are dating tho she has seen me numerous times around town and she doesnt live in the house anymore, she walked out.  So I know my mum has issues with him coming from  a broken family, as she calls it.

Ayesha_w

My mum is say 45 years old I think. She does seem to hide stuff but thats because I know she says one thing and swears by sticking to it but actually mixes up her words when she says the same thing again.  Plus she does exagerate a lot. Alhamdulillah my partners' family love me, his mum doesnt know that we are dating tho she has seen me numerous times around town and she doesnt live in the house anymore, she walked out.  So I know my mum has issues with him coming from  a broken family, as she calls it.

Ayesha_w

Asallam mualaikum,

Parents do go softer around their 50s. I don't keep track of age. I don't even know how old any of my family members are accept one brother who is 10 years older than me.

History repeats itself everywhere we look. It might be that your mother fears that your potential husband will walk out too. By following the way our rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam (Peace and Blessings be upon him) and his wives lived their lives will help the most.

If it goes towards that direction. Allah (shwa) forbid. It would be best to get the reassurance of as much trusted people as possible. (Thats only my opinion)

Before I say this, I have a feeling that it will cause a lot of friction in the house. But it might change your mothers decision.

I would say; "I won't marry anyone but him. If you want to be a grand parent, that's the only way it's going to happen."

I would use that as a last resort.

Mashallah that is great to hear. What does his mother think of you?

Qyuubi786

 

I can see where you are coming from, tho my mother is unlikely to go softer with age, Im not sure tbh.  Alhamdulilllah my partner has seen a lot and been through a lot in the sense that he is very understanding and a rational thinker, so seein the way his parents relationship was has taught him an awful lot of things which even i wudnt have thought of when thinking about my personal future with another person.  I have said that tho in my anger, and it caused massive arguments. I will keep saying that too, but only when need be because i dont want to argue with my mother, else i fuel her anger more.

My partner has just told me that she knows of me by name, and when i have spoken to her in the past she has been polite, since he hasnt said much more (their relaitonship isnt easy either) he hasnt got anything to really say about what his mum thinks of me

Ayesha_w

sana iqbal wrote:

 

Note: is post me mene sab general likhne ki koshish ki cz as u can imagine k 2 3 sal ki baten men likhoon to post bht bhtbht lamba ho per is men mene wo sab kaha jo main main problem he. Kuch aisa nai chora jo important na ho.

I hope u can help me 

For the benefit of others Sana has said she's 18, she wants to marry a guy she's met but has not been in a relationship, in fact as far as I understand he's not even living in Spain. He has sent his parents to ask her hand in marriage but her parents refused. 

Later her cousin asked her hand in marriage, he is 7/8years older than her, and she doesn't like some of his qualities/personality also she sees the age as a problem. She done istikhara and the outcome was that she shouldn't get married to this cousin. 

She still wants to marry the first guy, however her parents aren't listening and she is going to go to Pakistan this year, where, she fears she will be engaged to her cousin. She doesn't know how to get out of this situation and it is causing her a lot of stress, making her upset and really effecting her so she's always crying etc, and its affecting her studies too.

She mentions her dad is religious and has always fulfilled her needs but she cannot accept this marriage proposal and her dad's wishes this time.

She never though about, and does not want to run away, she just wants to keep her parents and everyone happy. She also thinks about her younger sisters who will be affected by any decision she makes, for example, if she were to run away, her parents wouldn't allow her sisters to study etc. 

She has dreamt and felt Allah is with her numerous times and that makes her feel better/peaceful however it's easy for her to lose that feeling too. 

Hopefully I've understood and explained all the main points properly. Can you give her any advice?

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

sana iqbal wrote:
Aslamu alaikum 

wa alaykum salaam.

Jo mere samajh mai ay, mujhe nahi lagta ke aap nay itni galat baat ki hai. Apko pehle us boy say gal nahi karni thi, wo bethar hota, lakhin aap choteh theh aur aap ne kyoi relationship nahi start ki us ke sath, sirf shaadi karne ke liya kaha.

Aap na kaha ke aap ke abu religious hai tou aap nai yeh nahin un ko bathaya kay jab aap ne istikhara kiya wo response yeh tha ke aap us cousin se shadi nahin karen?

Aap unko yeh bhi batao ke Islam main zaberdasti say marriage nahin kiya jahta aur aap is shaadi say maznoor nahi tho phir yeh zaberdaasti hain. Unko batao key aap ko age difference aur is ki quality nahin achi lagti, yeh sirf na kaho kay aap nay dosreh larkay say shaadi karni hay. 

Mere paas itni zyada advice nahin hain Sad 

Himmat na haro, Allah ko yaad rakho, dua pay itebaar karo, Allah dua qabool karega zaroor! 

My urdu isn't very good, hope you understood it :/

 

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

Asallam mualaikum,

This is a problematic situation for me not having a solution. It must be harder for you. All I can say is pray that your mother changes. And make dua.

Mashallah you have found a good partner. Im just trying to highlight the worst case scenarios so you don't get caught off guard.

If your partners mother hasn't heard from you in a long time, her views of you should have stayed the same.

If I find a solution I'll let you know.

Qyuubi786

 

Asallam mualaikum,

Islam isn't one sided. Allah has made Islam perfect. The women have a say too. It's not always what the man wants.

It looks like she is looking at the person inside mashallah. (not wealth and looks- attributes that the people who follow the torah and Injeel respectively)

The old generation of Muslims follow their countriew tradition. Instead of following the way of our rasul (saw).

It would be best for her to speak to her father. Sit him down and take it with as slowly and calmly as possible. So he understands her situation.  Point out the personality faults she finds. And asks him to go and see these faults for himself then he can decide.

Do not barge in and start an argument. That probably would make it alot worse.

Qyuubi786

 

Salam Aleikum Wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh!!!

I truly truly know what you guys are talking about!!!!

I am a convert but before I converted 3 years ago I got to know a man, he is 16 years older than me, I was 19 and he was 35. I fell in love and so did he (it started all halaal) and I reported my mother (my father is dead) about his men I had met and I told her right away the truth: That he was 35 years old, he had a child and that I was in love and that he was a good man. Although I wasn't "officially" muslim that day yet, I appreciated the fact that the man was a very believing christian who's father was muslim and who respected msulims very much. So I thought, as a nearly convert it is better to fall in love with a person who believes in God than with a non-believer.

So I told my mon everything because I was raised that way I had to be honest and my I wanted to have the blessing of my mother to this relationship (to be marriage) but she refused to. In fact, she started insulting the man and me because she thought it was pervert that he was so much older than me and that he already had a child. I understood and I put an end to the story. But since he and I worked at the same place and everything I bumped into him another time, then another and so on and I had to explain why I could not meet him anymore. But my affection did not go vanish. I smelled his perfume somewhere and I went crazy, I could not concentrate on work because I was looking out to see him somwhere and off course he showed up another time.

It was me who started again. Shaytan was there. Ok, we met every day after work at 21.00 and I knew my mother expected me to be home 30 min after work but he came with his car and we drove 5 min. and stayed in my neighbourhood and talked in the car for the 25 min left. So this went on for a month and there was still nothing sexual (except hugging). I insisted at home and argued with my mother and I was sure it had to to with the fact the men was of african origin and my mother feared this to ruin our reputation of our family and everything and my mother started insukting him more openly even very racisttically and it was unbearable. But I loved the men.

My mother is my only parent and I have two zounger sisters so I always feel responsable for our family and everything and fear that something shocks my mother too much and something happens to her.. So i kept it in so called secret for 3 years now!! We met almost very day and I was even 1 year abroad studying and we talked on the phone every single day!! And on my vacacion I tried to speak with my mother but it always ended up in a fight.

Now I am upt to move abroad permanently or at least for 5 years because i got a super good place to study and my "menfriend" is devastaded. He says he has sacrified 3 YEARS for me without any guarantee and i agree totally!! It is insane!! But I do not want to lie to my mother anymore and I want to live islamically and do no haram as I think the way I lied to my mother and stood up against her is more haram than her racism and her rejection.

BUT IT IS HARD!! Imagine! How can 2 people break up when they love each other so deeply??? I tried and he tried but still it hasn't worked out. In fact our relationship has become very unhealthy because he has become very very jealous and accuses me of everything!!! And I know he loves me but he can not accept that I want to break up for the sake of my young age and my unhappiness what comes to my family affairs and I understand but there is just NO WAY OUT. and this everything has already ruined our relashionship!!! It is just cathastrophal. And I feel so alone. I can not help him I have to make a selfish decision and he says I have been the love of his life and he reminds me of the promises I made to him ion loving him throughout the good and the bad but I CAN NOT. It is so incredibly sad and depressing and I love him and do not want this but I have to do this an I feel that I have not kept a single promise I made to him.......

He has a own company and wants to support me financially and care  for me and everything and always helps me when I am in trouble, really the perfect husband but he is now VERY JEALOUS and he has started drinking (he never drinkd alcohol and does not smoke and so on...) :'( I do not want to breal his heart and I do not want to ruin his life.

WaAllah, I prayed so hard for this to end up well but it didn't. And I know Allah sees the best for me and it may be something else from what I desire but how can these things happen in life? Have I sinned so badly? Why do I have to suffer so much and the men I love?

I make Du'a for you I can imagine, my problem is not hard there are others worse and I know I am selfish and childish. Sorry and astagfirullah for everything.. may Allah bless you and he knows the best for us.

Wa aleikum salam dear brothers and sisters!

 

eve wrote:
Salam Aleikum Wa Rahmatullah wa barakatuh!!!

....

Wa aleikum salam dear brothers and sisters!

 

Wa alaykum salaam wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu

This will not make you feel better but Muslim women cannot marry non-Muslim men, so you have no chance with him...

Also we need to avoid doing things which have been forbidden to us to prevent getting hurt, But we're human, and we fall. We have to make sure we turn to Allah when we're trying to get back up though.

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

Wa aleikum salam! Thank you!

Yes I know it is not permitted in islam, I got very conscoius about his fact later and wanted to end it but there was not enough strength. Sad

Another problem is that now I am trying again to separate and it is Ramadan and I feel this whole issue is disturbing me so hardly from strengthening my iman and making me feel uncomfortable. I make salat and fast and read Quran and make du'a but I know if I decided to separate permanently there will be a lot of tears and depression so I don't want to risk this on Ramadan Sad well I am really lost with this...

May Allah guide us and he knows the best.

And I wish everyone a blessed and succesfull Ramadan! (Sorry I forgot in the first comment)!!!

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