What Does Islam Say About Forced/Arranged/Love/ Secret Marriages?

By Shaykh Muhammad Salim Ghisa

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is also an important part of the Sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever leaves my Sunnah is not from amongst me” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat)

The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has also said as narrated by Ibn Masud (May Allah be pleased with him)

“Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at non permissible females and protects you from immorality. However, those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

However, we also find that in today’s day and age that there are many marriages that are improper or unfair and can make a person’s life miserable. These marriages are either forced or arranged against a person’s will. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.

We find that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding (baradarism) to arrange such forced marriages and then hide behind the religion of Islam to justify their actions.

Arranged marriages

Arranged marriages are allowed and promoted in Islam as long as they are accepted by both the bride and the groom. One of the conditions for the Nikah (marriage ceremony) to be valid is both the man and woman are asked independently of each other as to whether they agree with the marriage or not. If either of them say ‘no’ then the Nikah cannot continue , however, silence is regarded as consent. (Radd ul Mohtar).

The parents have a responsibility to ensure that both couples are compatible and do not arrange a marriage merely for their own social or personal reasons (i.e. 'she's my brothers daughter, lets get our son married to her'!). If the latter is the case then they will have to answer to Allah. The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave the strictest orders with relation to the rights of others. He said

“'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.” (Hadith Muslim 4257. Recorded by Mughirah b. Shuba).

When a suitable partner is chosen then four things are considered, out of which one should take importance and this is the religious practice of their prospective partners. Whilst the following Hadith is in relation to choosing a woman, it refers to both sexes: the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said

“A woman (or man) may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Although the Prophet advised the young Muslim to look for a religious partner, it does not mean that they should ignore their preferences regarding the physical beauty. The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) encouraged seeing a prospective partner before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim does not find his/herself trapped in a marriage with a woman/man he/she finds unattractive.

Al Mughirah Ibn Shaibah said “I got engaged to a woman at the time of the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He asked me “Have you seen her?” I said “No”. He said “go and have a look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility is established between you.” (Nasai)

Therefore, in the above situations we find that Islam promotes love and compatibility between husband and wife and recognizes that these are vital ingredients in a successful marriage.

Forced Marriages

Whilst we understand the importance of love and compatibility we must also ensure the approval of both parties. However, one must also recognize that forced marriage is a problem occurring today and Islam condemns it to the highest degree. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to some Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem.

As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.

If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;

Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.

Love Marriages

Marriages that are done due to a couple falling in love with one another are acceptable but are usually an unlawful way of approach. Meaning, that two people of the opposite sex start a relationship and then decide they want to marry. However, one must also realize that this is happening and therefore if a couple are in a relationship they must either get married immediately and save themselves from sin or separate.

If the father/ mother is aware then they should ensure that there is a successful outcome and if there is compatibility between the couple, they should try and ensure that the marriage takes place as soon as possible. Mere excuses, such as they are from a lower cast etc are not acceptable. However, valid reasons such as religion must be taken in to account.

Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

Secret Marriages

Secret marriages whilst recognised are severely disliked in Islam and even Haram when it goes against the will of the parents. The reason for this is that it means that those who are responsible for them are not advised of it and the couple will go against their parents by doing so. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has clearly stressed that the will of the father is the will of Allah (Bukhari) also how important it is to obtain the dua of one’s parents.

Whilst we recognise that sometime parents need to be advised, this should be done by asking relatives to intervene, or the local Imam or anyone who may have an influence over one’s parents and they can agree. Insha Allah a marriage can only ever obtain spiritual comfort if the dua of one’s mother and father is with them.

Whilst the secret marriage may be valid it does not mean it is right and blessed.

May Allah give us the ability to understand the sacred concept of marriage and the Islamic approach towards it.

What is the best way to find a partner in the UK? To find out and to read more articles on marriage visit:

Comments

sanaaaaa wrote:
i recently got to knw sum stuff abt my fiance tht made me double minded..like he sen stuf to sum other grl.he admitted tht he did al those messages,but th reason he gave me was because he wntd revenge,for hid frnd,tht grl sent absuive stuf to his frnd,and thn my fiance said dirty to her for revenge..tel me how cen i trust him???i tld my fiance i need time to think abt our future..he and i dont get along well also.he loves me but i dont..how can i marry sum1 i dont love or either trust??
and abt the other guy my feelings for him is very pure nd so is his..am sure..he wanted to marry me but i got engaged..he stl loves me

you don't need to love someone before u get married to them, you can love them afterwards.

trust on the other hand is important, if you think he's messing with you or whatever then you got to be a 100% sure

and are u 100% sure this school friend would marry u, if you weren't engaged? did he explicitly say that? and when recently?

would u be able to break up ur engagement and get married to the other guy?

i guess u gotta follow ur heart really, no one can really say what the best decision is.

[just today i was listening to a conversation where the adults where saying that even though kids pick their own partners these days through dating and what not they never seem to last as opposed to those who have it arranged who normally are better off]

although i'm not quite sure what you were trying to say about the friend and the fiance :S - more punctuation and grammar needed :/

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

how can i trust my fiance after what all i read..he said al that to some girl,for revenge for a friend????doesn't makes sense to me..i want to talk to my mom about this,and i will surely do istikhara prayer inshAllah.
and about the school friend,he wanted to marry me,and he knows im engaged,but his feelings for me never subsided.

You wrote:
that type of love probably does not exist outside of fantasy.

wrong.

And sanaaaaaa, I say: follow your instincts. Just make sure your instincts are pure.

Don't just do something! Stand there.

hmm.lets c..ap sab dua kerna meray liye..im going to follow my instincts this time.Allah guide me..
thanks everyone Smile

It doesnt mention how much of right does father have over girl for her marriage? If a forced marriage is null and void..What about a marriage that is not allowed by a father?

Is there any direct quotation that says the father should not object to her daughters choice??

A couple of the lets talk shows have mentioned that a sane adult woman does not need her father's permission at all.

Yes, he can still be an obstacle because, well, people are entitled to their opinions.

Just overriding it will not mean that things will go well in the future.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

But what if they start to emotionally blackmail me brothers and sisters? Tell me if i cant spend a minute with a person how would i spend whole life with him? I have always been praying to ALLAH that motivate my heart towards my betterment and my heart doesnt agree for that person.. And is'nt it kind of racism forcing some1 into a marriage just coz they are your nephew? Not thinking that Islam has asked us to emphasize for a pious person who is religious and obey's ALLAH..
Secondly i have been seeing babies in my dreams what does it refer to? The first night I saw that one lady is pregnant..second night i saw she has this baby in beautiful green colthes and is veryyyy cute..the third night i saw the funeral ov the baby..i am also there in the graveyard but its very soothing..what does that mean?

Hi,.... I need answers... In my eyes this is a sin but can someone please let me know what they think.... To love someone else but to get married to some one you know you can never love or have a fully committed marriage with and you know you will never be able to forget the person you love, in my eyes that is wrong, as one should marry with pure and good intentions to fulfill the marriege but if you love someone else, you cant... But islam teaches us that marriege fulfills half of our religion, then what do u do, marry a person u dnt love knowing it will never last, or never get married??

why cant you marry the person you love?

you have to differentiate between love, lust and infatutation. Love is a thing that grows and takes to proper takes its root, so its hard to identify love.

most muslim marriage dont start off with love, (you cant fall in love with someone over 2/3 or 10 meetings) but then love develops.

okay, what am i talking about...

so, why cant you marry the person you love?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

also you cant know that you wont love the person you marry... it can row in situations if you allow it to.

Here's the thing - dont get yourself into a situation where you are in love with someone before you marry and then you wont need to worry about such things. Easy.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:
. Easy.

Indeed.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

I don't know what the point of these advises are. I should probably elaborate on this.

 

"advises" sounds funny lol

yes elaborate...

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:

yes elaborate...

I really want to.

But it would have to be long.

 

go on...

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

go on!

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

I am watching Miss Potter.

 

Love marriage no good, allah made haraam. Inshaallah all youngsters will arrange marry with nice muslim girl. Haqq halaal is more barkat.

When was it made haraam?

As far as I know, affection between husband and wife is seen as a GOOD thing.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

I heard today that forced marriages might be criminalised in the UK
Young Muslim women are taught from the start you are born you grow up you get married wash your husbands feet by that I mean do what he says and have as many kids as he wants you to have and that’s what your life is all about they are never encouraged to study or work this is also the case with most Asians Bangali, Indian, Pakistani, Sri Lankan

Or they use this term in Hindi and Urdu Tujhe Jaana Ho Ga for a girl which in English means you must go in other words you have to get married no matter what happens you have no choice in this matter which I think is damaging for a girl growing up she may think that that is the only purpose of her life and as a result when the girl or women gets married she gives her husband a hard time she may get angry
with him a lot if she is married young like most Muslim girls she might not be ready for marriage and all the ideas that go with it

It’s the old trick that gets most of them in going to Pakistan for the forced arranged marriages your Daadi (Grandmother in English) is ill in Pakistan we are all going to see her when the girl gets there her Passport is taken away from her she is locked in her room then she is stuck- there is nothing she can do about it if in the unlikely event she tries to escape she would not know who to turn to if she does turn to someone that person may be the person her mum and dad know and take her back were she ran away from she would not be able to go out of that village or city because she would not know her way around, it might be the first time she has ever been there in her life?

Evan some guys get forced into marriage because the parents want them to marry a girl of there choice most often there cousins so that they can keep there money and wealth in the family and to strengthen so called family ties which often lead to emotional black mail guys running away from home its mostly girls who have done that and some times they are killed

My English is not very good

You must really hate your parents.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:
You must really hate your parents.

Why would you say that?

My English is not very good

stopincest wrote:
I heard today that forced marriages might be criminalised in the UK
Young Muslim women are taught from the start you are born you grow up you get married wash your husbands feet by that I mean do what he says and have as many kids as he wants you to have and that’s what your life is all about they are never encouraged to study or work this is also the case with most Asians Bangali, Indian, Pakistani, Sri Lankan
Islam criminalised forced marriages 1400 years ago. The UK's a bit slow, aint it.
Quote:

Or they use this term in Hindi and Urdu Tujhe Jaana Ho Ga for a girl which in English means you must go in other words you have to get married no matter what happens you have no choice in this matter which I think is damaging for a girl growing up she may think that that is the only purpose of her life and as a result when the girl or women gets married she gives her husband a hard time she may get angry
with him a lot if she is married young like most Muslim girls she might not be ready for marriage and all the ideas that go with it
LOL

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:

Islam criminalised forced marriages 1400 years ago. The UK's a bit slow, aint it.

It's not slow its just scared of Muslim reaction

My English is not very good

LOL

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

idiocity. is that a word?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

SI, sorry to burst your bubble but forced marraiges have been illegal for some time in the UK. Even longer when Islam is concerned.
Can you name me onem representative and authentic Muslim group who claims that forced marriages should not be illegal? Please don't pick some random group that nobody has even heard of.

Chacha, arranged marriages are not compulsory it's acceptable and valid for two people to get to know each other and then decide to marry (in a halal way) but even if things haven't been 100% halal the marriage will still be valid, surely this is better than trying to impose someone else on them that they don't even know.

“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”

Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi

The Lamp wrote:

Chacha, arranged marriages are not compulsory it's acceptable and valid for two people to get to know each other and then decide to marry (in a halal way) but even if things haven't been 100% halal the marriage will still be valid, surely this is better than trying to impose someone else on them that they don't even know.


Dikra, (puthar) you are young and wrong. LolBlum 3

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:
stopincest wrote:
I heard today that forced marriages might be criminalised in the UK
Young Muslim women are taught from the start you are born you grow up you get married wash your husbands feet by that I mean do what he says and have as many kids as he wants you to have and that’s what your life is all about they are never encouraged to study or work this is also the case with most Asians Bangali, Indian, Pakistani, Sri Lankan
Islam criminalised forced marriages 1400 years ago. The UK's a bit slow, aint it.

Nice one feefs

"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find rest"

The Lamp wrote:
SI, sorry to burst your bubble but forced marraiges have been illegal for some time in the UK. Even longer when Islam is concerned.
Can you name me onem representative and authentic Muslim group who claims that forced marriages should not be illegal? Please don't pick some random group that nobody has even heard of.

They may have been illegal in the UK before but now they maybe criminalised from what I understand
which I don't think was the case before hand meaning that parents who force there kids into marriage could end up in jail, now the big question is that is this going to happen or is this just one of those things that the Government brings up again and again after a few years just to divert attention from other important on going issues

Most forced marriages happen within the Pakistani Mirpuri community it is often the case that one party is from UK and the other from Pakistan Mirpur so if the Government make a rule that we will not allow you to bring a spouse from abroad be it any country there are enough people of these communities here you can marry them and on top banned cousin marriage of all kinds 1st 2nd 3rd then this issue would not exist then the issue of Ghaerat ke naam pe qatal or honour killing as it is known in English may also stop

My English is not very good

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