Single, Muslim and Pregnant

Author: 
Alveena Salim

As an East London girl, it wasn’t unusual to see crowds of Muslim guys standing outside libraries waiting to try it on with any girl that passed through the door. Nor was it unusual to see groups of Muslim guys standing on top of street corners making comments at girls that walked past.

It definitely wasn’t unusual to see a guy drive round the same block at least four times just to take another look at a girl. Guys chased the girls. The girls played hard to get. But a couple of years down the line, I don’t see that any more. Why? Coz guys don’t need to chase girls any more.

Over the years, a lot more girls don’t see a problem with sleeping around. In recent years, we’ve seen the rise in Vicky Pollard and “Am I bovvered” wannabe Muslim ladettes, a rise in the number of youth who are ‘doing it’ and a rise in Muslim teenage pregnancies.

Fortunately, whilst the UK does have the highest number of teenage pregnancies in Europe, Muslim girls are least likely to get pregnant out of wedlock compared to all other faiths (1). However, Muslim teenage pregnancies DO happen and are often kept undercover.

What’s The Big Deal?

Premarital or extramarital sex - known as Zina is a major sin in Islam! Allah (swt) warns Muslims not to even come near it and describes it as

“an abomination and an evil way.” (17: 32)

According to a Hadith it is also considered one of the worst sins in the eyes of Allah (swt).

The Holy Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam (Peace and Blessings be upon him) related a dream in which he saw a number of sinners were being punished. The Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam (Peace and Blessings be upon him) said:

“…We proceeded until we came across a hole in the ground that resembled a baking pit, narrow at the top and wide at the bottom. Babbling and voices were issuing from it. We looked in and saw naked men and women. Underneath the pit was a raging fire; whenever it flared up, the men and women screamed and rose with it until they almost fell out of the pit. As it subsided, they returned (to the bottom). I said: ‘Who are these?’ They said: ‘…The naked men and women who were in the pit, they are men and women who indulge in Zina…” (Bukhari)

It is such a serious offence that all things that lead to Zina, such as being alone with a member of the opposite sex who you’re not related to is also forbidden in Islam.

The reason why it’s forbidden in Islam is coz of the major problems that it can bring into society such as illegitimate children, spread of disease, increase in divorce rate, spread of crime, children not being brought up or cared for properly and ultimately the breakdown of the family unit.

As a Muslim, to be pregnant and unmarried is the worst situation to be in. Such girls are often shunned by society, talked about in a bad way and are considered to have brought ‘shame’ on their family. This is why many teenage Muslim girls, who find themselves in such a serious situation, will go to great lengths to hide their pregnancy – and this may result in secret abortions or even a ‘virginity fix’.

24 hymen replacement operations took place between 2005 and 2006. An increasing number of women are paying up to £4,000 in private clinics for the procedure apparently under pressure from future spouses or in-laws who believe they should be virgins on their wedding night. Doctors said most patients are immigrants or British of ethnic origin. Dr Magdy Hend, consultant gynaecologist at the Regency Clinic, Harley Street, London, who started hymen reconstruction more than 18 years ago in the Middle East and the Gulf, said:

"In some cultures they like to see that the women will bleed on the wedding night. If the wife or bride is not a virgin, it is a big shame on the family."

Dr Hend also said that most clients are in their teens or early twenties and that demand is increasing, particularly from UK residents (2).

It is extremely important to note it is a myth that a bride will definitely bleed on her wedding night if she is indeed a virgin. Bleeding isn’t at all a reliable indication of a girl’s virginity, as many girls who are virgins do not bleed when they first have sexual intercourse and this is normal. To combat such ignorance amongst our people we need to educate ourselves about Islam so that we recognise true Islamic teachings from the backward cultural practices of today.

Some girls are forced to undergo secret abortions. Shanaz speaks of her experience:

The doctor asked me ‘why do you want an abortion?’ I told him it was because of my background and family and that there was no way I could have a baby. As an unmarried Muslim girl, I simply couldn’t go through with the pregnancy. Not only would it break up the family but I could be disowned, in fact anything could happen to me.

I also told him I was at college, and living at home with only a small grant. Throughout this time my then boyfriend was like a stranger.

I really needed his support but got none. He didn’t come to the private clinic with me, or help me with transport to the nursing home where they performed the operation. He just gave me half the money and that was that.

I had no-one to confide in really. The worst thing was coming home and being with my parents, knowing that something was living inside me. It was worse at night, when I had time to think clearly and hurt and feel guilty about what was going to happen. I was about to kill my child. It was terrible to feel like that and keep it all to myself. (3)

Abortion – The Easy Way Out?

So you’re knocked up, not married and scared of how you’re parents will react? Abortion seems like the easy way out. However, whilst many feminists may bang on about a woman having full control over their bodies, Islam does not see abortion as an answer to your problems.

Life is a gift from Allah (swt). No one has the right to take away or stop the life of anyone else. Killing any person is strongly condemned in the Quran, especially the killing of children which is specifically condemned in several chapters.

The Quran says:

"Kill not your children for fear of want; it is We who provide sustenance for them as well as for you; for verily killing them is a great sin. (17: 31).

Sex outside marriage can also result in serious consequences for all involved. In some instances some Muslim girls are killed for getting themselves in such a shameful situation, in so-called ‘honour killings’ which have nothing whatsoever to do with Islam.

So Why Do Unmarried Muslim Girls Have Sex?

“Coz there’s no point going out with a guy if you’re not going to do stuff” claims Anisha. Safa argues that “everyone is ‘doing it’ and anyone who denies it is a liar”. So peer pressure and the current norms of society play a huge part. Another common reason is lack of self-esteem, some girls go all the way because it makes them feel loved, desired and better about themselves. In other instances, it may be due to lack of appreciation or love at home, which makes them go looking for it elsewhere. Detachment from home can lead to attachment elsewhere.

On top of that, there’s the mixed message that teenagers learn in school. In a bid to decrease the number of teenage pregnancies, one government initiative was to give out free condoms, which gave the message “it’s OK to do it, as long as you use protection”. Whilst Western society tries to decrease the number of teenage pregnancies by dishing out free contraception, Islam emphasises no sex outside marriage. Islam gives that as a solution rather than a temporary cure.

The media also gives out messages that encourage teenagers to have sex before marriage; Sex is a topic that advertisers and marketers use very effectively to sell their products, from chocolates to mobile phones to even the latest car.

How many times has the storyline of teenage pregnancies hit popular soaps? ‘The new female imperative is that it is only through promiscuity and sexual aggression that girls can achieve admiration and recognition’.

Films such as Cruel Intentions and Mean Girls, the music and videos of Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Lil' Kim all help portray this message. ‘Girls are being led to believe they're in control when it comes to sexual relationships.’ (4)

Lack of Islamic education is another reason why young girls have sex outside marriage. How many parents give their children the Islamic ‘sex talk’? How may Mosque Imams address this issue?

So What Do You Want Me To Do About It?

Firstly, we need to acknowledge the fact that is an issue that affects the Muslim youth. Secondly, we need to be prepared to talk about it in order to educate our youth with Islamic knowledge. Parents should know that sex is not always a dirty word. It is an important aspect of our life.

There should be no shame or holding back in discussing this issue, if a child has reached puberty, it’s time to teach him/her the difference between right and wrong. And because the Western society is most definitely going to be tackling this issue in schools and through the media, we need to make sure more so, that our youth are educated about sex according to the teachings of Islam.

The people from the time of the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam (Peace and Blessings be upon him) asked questions about discharge and even wet dreams, in fact the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wa Sallam (Peace and Blessings be upon him) praised the women of Ansar, because their shyness did not prevent them from seeking knowledge.

The main reason Muslim parents do not or cannot discuss sex education with their children is because of their cultural upbringing. Parents may not be comfortable with their own sexuality or its expression coz of the way they were brought up.

Our Imams/Mosques also need to educate the community and offer counselling to those people who may have fallen into this predicament. That way, young girls would not be forced to have undercover abortions, run away from home, contemplate getting ‘virginity fix’ surgery or be victims of ‘honour crime’.

And girls wake up. Most guys can walk away from a sexual encounter without giving it a second thought. Girls can’t do that. Don’t sleep with a guy in order to win his love, or to be accepted by your friends or even if you’re convinced that you’re ‘in love’.

The truth is that most guys have little respect for a girl who has slept with someone before marriage, even if you sleep with them! Plus, society thinks very low of such people and there’s a possibility that you may fall pregnant.

More importantly, you’ll be guilty of one of the biggest sins in Islam! If you have any self-respect, you’ll hold out for the guy who respects you enough to commit to marriage. Someone who can see themselves spending a bit more than a few nights with you.

References

Comments

Jack the Ripper wrote:
Lilly wrote:
you allowed to expect to marry one. but you have to think about her point of view, its not like you're buying a virgin. if she wants a virgin guy then you wont be on the list. if she dont mind then you stand a chance (what with all the repenting and reforming you're gona do)

Naah, people will always judge you by your past, always. When you do right no one remembers when you do wrong no one forgets...

maybe that's what you do but that aint what everyone does.

its all up to the girl.

its the same way round. if a guy stayed clean he can refuse a girl who slept with someone previously.

let's not think about stuff we dont have to at the moment.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Jack the Ripper wrote:
Everyone says I can't have a virgin, why?? Cos I had gf's before??
So in your book even if I sincerely change tomorrow I must never get married to a virgin cos I don't deserve it.

Yes.

The qur'an says that an adulterer/fornicator should marry an adultress/fornicatress or a polythiest (and vice versa).

I am not sure if that is an order or a reccomendation and I have no idea why it is not more openly discussed.

If you sincerely change tomorrow, you can marry a woman/girl who has also sincerely changed tomorrow.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:
Jack the Ripper wrote:
Everyone says I can't have a virgin, why?? Cos I had gf's before??
So in your book even if I sincerely change tomorrow I must never get married to a virgin cos I don't deserve it.

Yes.

The qur'an says that an adulterer/fornicator should marry an adultress/fornicatress or a polythiest (and vice versa).

I am not sure if that is an order or a reccomendation and I have no idea why it is not more openly discussed.

If you sincerely change tomorrow, you can marry a woman/girl who has also sincerely changed tomorrow.

BUT I WANT A VIRGIN, or will continue the way I am, the thought of someone else sticking a figure in my pie before I did just makes me crazy...

If I ever have to kill for something, it would be for, "A woman"
If I ever have to kill something it would have to be, "A woman"

Have you heard of karma? i know its not an islamic concept, but sometimes what you do does affect you, what goes around comes around.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

Jack the Ripper wrote:
You wrote:
Jack the Ripper wrote:
Everyone says I can't have a virgin, why?? Cos I had gf's before??
So in your book even if I sincerely change tomorrow I must never get married to a virgin cos I don't deserve it.

Yes.

The qur'an says that an adulterer/fornicator should marry an adultress/fornicatress or a polythiest (and vice versa).

I am not sure if that is an order or a reccomendation and I have no idea why it is not more openly discussed.

If you sincerely change tomorrow, you can marry a woman/girl who has also sincerely changed tomorrow.

BUT I WANT A VIRGIN, or will continue the way I am, the thought of someone else sticking a figure in my pie before I did just makes me crazy...

then you shouldnt have done that to that girl right?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

You wrote:
Jack the Ripper wrote:
Everyone says I can't have a virgin, why?? Cos I had gf's before??
So in your book even if I sincerely change tomorrow I must never get married to a virgin cos I don't deserve it.

Yes.

The qur'an says that an adulterer/fornicator should marry an adultress/fornicatress or a polythiest (and vice versa).

I am not sure if that is an order or a reccomendation and I have no idea why it is not more openly discussed.

If you sincerely change tomorrow, you can marry a woman/girl who has also sincerely changed tomorrow.

As far as I know that only applies when there is no sincere repentance; even if your sins are sky high you can still be forgiven.

“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”

Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi

and then marry another repentant person like you?

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You could or you could leave your mistake in the past and start afresh. You don't have to ask her: "have you fornicated and repented for it?" and then marry her (or not marry her because she said no).

“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”

Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi

I feel sorry for her, i know its sin, but sumtymes it just happens, some men take advantage while girlz think they are serious. They leeve them n people think they r only to blame.

Unless they were raped, they are to blame too, as they may not have wanted to go that far, but were still in a haram relationship in the first place. If they stay away from such stuff, they wouldn't be taken advantage of.

yep, equal blame to both of them.

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:
Unless they were raped, they are to blame too, as they may not have wanted to go that far, but were still in a haram relationship in the first place. If they stay away from such stuff, they wouldn't be taken advantage of.

yep, equal blame to both of them.

i know, but jus cos shes left with baby everyone makes life difficult for her while he just lives his life normal. It is rong.

It's not always like that but yeah that is wrong.

Whilst writing this, I realised I'm finding it hard to sympathise with such girls BUT I am trying, after all the past is the past and you gotta make the present/future the best it can be. The baby deserves a good life and the parents should be able to move on and improve themselves...

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:
Unless they were raped, they are to blame too, as they may not have wanted to go that far, but were still in a haram relationship in the first place. If they stay away from such stuff, they wouldn't be taken advantage of.

yep, equal blame to both of them.

I wouldn't say so exactly, people are sometimes naive; but they only realise who they really are and what they should do after a trauma.

“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”

Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi

Yeh I guess so, like i said

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:
It's not always like that but yeah that is wrong.

Whilst writing this, I realised I'm finding it hard to sympathise with such girls BUT I am trying, after all the past is the past and you gotta make the present/future the best it can be. The baby deserves a good life and the parents should be able to move on and improve themselves...

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

I was with my ex for quite a while we used tom do everything together and he always said i was his best friend and he didnt want to lose me anyway when i found out i was pregnant i was shocked at first but then came round to the idea of having a baby i was so happy i told my partner straight away he just said we will sort something i asked what he meant and he said i will need to have an abortion because he is muslim and we need to be married first. We discussed this for a few days and i just couldnt do it as its against everything i believe when i told him this he went mad he said if i have an abortion he will marry me and have more kids i felt bad but i just couldnt do it he said if i dont get rid he will kill himself . A few days later he changed his number and i never heard from him again i now have a beautiful 4 month old baby boy and coping really well im so happy i do think about my ex every day because i was so much in love with him but i believe if he can do that to me he is not worth it and now i have more important things in my life so i dont need that coward i love my baby boy so much the only thing im worried about is if he did come back he hurt me so much and he left when i was only 1 month pregnant so i dont think he deserves to be a part of my babys life i think my baby boy will be better of with out him im just so worried incase he does come back he wont even know that he has a son. Im just very scared he might come to take him.

"our" not my - takes two to tango.

Undoubtedly he did many wrongs - first in a relationship outside marriage and then by asking you to abort, but he is still the father and that is not something about deserving to be or not.

If you really want to give your baby only half of what it deserves, then by all means make it about the father not deserving to be one.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

I can only give my baby what i have he was the one who left us knowing full well i was going to have the baby. Like i said he left and i dont know how to get hold of him so why should he have the title "father" when he is not around to be one. When you said he did many wrongs is it wrong to fall in love?

ella wrote:
I can only give my baby what i have he was the one who left us knowing full well i was going to have the baby. Like i said he left and i dont know how to get hold of him so why should he have the title "father" when he is not around to be one. When you said he did many wrongs is it wrong to fall in love?

nowt wrong in falling in love. its the acting upon it outside marriage that's wrong. which he did. then when the consequences befell him he got scared.

all i gotta say is, dont judge Islam by him, check it out for yourself. it's quite cool i must say (Y)

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Im not judging islam by him i just dont understand why muslim men get girls pregnant then leave because of their religion i understand that its wrong to have a sexual relationship outside of marriage but isnt it wrong to leave a girl when she is having his baby?

ella wrote:
but isnt it wrong to leave a girl when she is having his baby?

Yes.

You both sound like intelligent people.

Didn't you talk about sex, religion, consequences, marriage before you commited to intimacy with him?

 

I am not really a religious person. We did talk about it but our feeling just got stronger and obviously it just happened its not like i met him and had sex on the first nyt im not that sort of person. I didnt think he would leave but his family obviously mean alot more to him. His father died a while ago and he hated having no dad so he knows what it feels like to have no dad thats why i dont understand why he left.

ella wrote:
We did talk about it

Really?

What did you discuss? And what was the conclusion?

 

He said that he wanted to marry me but needed to sort things out with his family first. We also discussed not having sex before marriage and we didnt for a long time but one night we both had abit to drink and one thing led to another this was quite a long time after the conversation we had

When we found out i was pregnant his actual words was how can i take you to my family like that like it was all my fault

I got married in an arranged marriage, to a very good muslim man, and immediately got pregnant. i never dated before my marriage and was a virgin when I got married.

When I was six months pregnant, he lied and sent me home (out of the country) for a holiday, then sent me a divorce and now refuses to answer his phone when I call.

This was two weeks ago, he has given no money and doesn't care about his own baby or where I stay, and gets his mother to call and swear at my family, insisting I don't return.

He prays 5 times a day and is a supposed role model for Islam.

My advice is don't trust anyone - even a 'pious' muslim husband. they will leve you out to dry and think they can just say divorce, divorce, divorce.

Don't end up like me: make sure you date men and find out exactly who and what they are before you marry and always get a pre-nup.

Be warned - because now I am SINGLE, MUSLIM AND PREGNANT

Such a moronic person should not be taken as a role model.

Islam is more than praying or having a beard.

On the day of judgement God may forgive sins or transgressions against Him, but He (swt) wont forgive transgressions against creation unless the creation forgives him first.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

and anon. dating Is wrong. dont incite people to it.

the whole male population isnt like that your ex. there's God fearing guys out there. You should talk to an imaam or a scholar. In terms of what he did and what happened. COz it aint right. and he cant run away like this...

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Im a muslim girl, divorced and trying to get a second chance in life by finding someone to marry, but a lot of guys are just interested in sex, they dont want to know you if your are not willing to have a physical relationship beforehand. Tht is the reason why its been very difficult to find someone for me. They also assume tht if ur divorced your easier or more desperate. So its not only the women at fault., many unlike me give into the pressure.

Binny wrote:
Im a muslim girl, divorced and trying to get a second chance in life by finding someone to marry, but a lot of guys are just interested in sex, they dont want to know you if your are not willing to have a physical relationship beforehand. Tht is the reason why its been very difficult to find someone for me. They also assume tht if ur divorced your easier or more desperate. So its not only the women at fault., many unlike me give into the pressure.

It's not always bout sex, when it comes to divorcees us guys tread very carefully, you only hear one side of the story so you never really know who's at fault, I'd be very careful in marrying a divorcee. If her husband dead it's different though she may have bumped him off you never know...

Then again it all comes down to getting to know that person and what the'e like through their words, actions ad the words of those that know them.

“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”

Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi

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