MuslimBro wrote:

Sometimes it is necessary, coz it's the only way a child will listen. They'll thank the parents when they're grown up.

it is never necessary it is only when parents dont have enough skills to deal with their kids.

Funzo wrote:

MuslimBro wrote:

Sometimes it is necessary, coz it's the only way a child will listen. They'll thank the parents when they're grown up.

it is never necessary it is only when parents dont have enough skills to deal with their kids.

Yeah I'm sure you would know all about parenting.

MuslimBro wrote:

Funzo wrote:

MuslimBro wrote:

Sometimes it is necessary, coz it's the only way a child will listen. They'll thank the parents when they're grown up.

it is never necessary it is only when parents dont have enough skills to deal with their kids.

Yeah I'm sure you would know all about parenting.

Look dont patronize me, i didnt patronize you, respect is a two way street.

MuslimBro wrote:

Funzo wrote:

MuslimBro wrote:

Sometimes it is necessary, coz it's the only way a child will listen. They'll thank the parents when they're grown up.

it is never necessary it is only when parents dont have enough skills to deal with their kids.

Yeah I'm sure you would know all about parenting.

No, it's called being lazy. there're other more effective ways to deal with it. Smacking doesn't work, it can have SERIOUS consequences.

You may have lived in a nice and cosy family where everyone did what they were told but that's not the reality.

Parents have the legal and Islamic right to discipline their children.

@Funzo - you were implying that parents who hit their child have poor parenting skills. So I was saying that you must know alot and have experience in that field if you can make a statement like you did.

MuslimBro wrote:

You may have lived in a nice and cosy family where everyone did what they were told but that's not the reality.

Parents have the legal and Islamic right to discipline their children.

@Funzo - you were implying that parents who hit their child have poor parenting skills. So I was saying that you must know alot and have experience in that field if you can make a statement like you did.

Hey mate, why're you getting emotional?
Disciplining children doesn't mean smacking them. Another way is keeping your cool and firmly but humanely ordering them to behave, lower yourself to their height if you have to.
You might smack them once, but they might get the idea that smacking is the way to solve problems. I've been there!
And no, I haven't grown up in the rosy family or enviroment you're describing. Which is why I'm saying this.

Obviously you first talk, shout, order and do what you have to do. But there is a limit, when a child is not willing to obey the parent, and does whatever they want to do. Smacking comes as a last resort.

For the best parents it shouldn't even be a LAST resort. If the kid refuses to listen then remove him/her from the place, there's a subtle reason why they're doing this. I don't think smacking will get to the bottom of it.

I get what you're saying but sometimes children take advantage of this, the fact that the parent won't discipline them. I would even go to say that they should re-introduce corporal punishments in school. What's happening in schools now is really bad, the teachers are scared of the kids! Before, no way would you see a child behaving the way they do now to a teacher.

So... I still disagree with you but it's all cool

Castes should have been abolished when Islam was introduced in South asia

Blame the hindus!

Seraphim wrote:

Well actually i was implying she should leave.

I know, thats why I said that you werent helping. Which family doesn’t have its problems, we all do but we dont all run away from home when the going gets tough. Plus there are different degrees of beating. If its the odd slap then nowt wrong with it. If you end up in hospis then thats out of order.

MuslimBro wrote:

Sometimes it is necessary, coz it's the only way a child will listen.

Ditto but it should only be used as a last resort. But saying that personally i could never smack a kid, i just dont have the heart to do it.

the slimeball wrote:

it is never necessary it is only when parents dont have enough skills to deal with their kids.

It has nothing to do with skills. There is no manual telling you how to be a good parent. Your upbringing plays a huge part in how you treat your kids. In Pakistan where they practice pure culture they way you disciple your kid is by beating them.

Courage wrote:

Smacking doesn't work, it can have SERIOUS consequences.

It did for me! But in some instances it doesn’t work. I think it depends on the individual.

Courage wrote:

Another way is keeping your cool and firmly but humanely ordering them to behave, lower yourself to their height if you have to.

I think someone has been watching one to many episodes of super nanny lol.

well said

it's a shame how that we are not united and divide ourselves by something as petty as castes

i'll never hit my kids (insha'Allaah). its all about discipline. masha'Allaah my uncle has got his kids under control, he just needs to give them a look and they know they are in trouble.

MuslimBro wrote:

You may have lived in a nice and cosy family where everyone did what they were told but that's not the reality.

Parents have the legal and Islamic right to discipline their children.

@Funzo - you were implying that parents who hit their child have poor parenting skills. So I was saying that you must know alot and have experience in that field if you can make a statement like you did.

[quote=MuslimBro]
Thats your assumption and i was saying they have poor parenting skills i said lack parenting skills, if they had the skills they would realise that they dont need to use violence for that situation but it isnt realistic that parents will have that much skill. It doesnt take a genius to make my statement.

MuslimBro wrote:

Thats your assumption and i was saying they have poor parenting skills i said lack parenting skills, if they had the skills they would realise that they dont need to use violence for that situation but it isnt realistic that parents will have that much skill. It doesnt take a genius to make my statement.

Hey! I didn't say that.

The Prophet gave permission to the parents to hit their child who doesn't pray for example and you're here saying that it's a lack of parenting skills if the parents do hit their child. MashaAllah!

I knew you were going to say this, dont you think the prophet saw realised that parents arent going to be perfect and that they wont have the perfect skills to deal with their kids?

No parent is [i]perfect[/i], and no-one has [i]perfect[/i] skills in dealing with children.

Yes, parents are different, so are some children. Everyone is different.

Thats one of the reasons why the prophet(may allah bless him and give him peace) allowed it.

That's right.

But you can't blame every parent if the child happens to be troublesome.

Yes, sometimes its the parents to blame, and sometimes its the child to blame. It works both ways.

my dad has been lying to me, as i have found out that my dad knew the people who asked for the rishta but claims he does not know them. my dad keeps changing his story so i dnt no if he is telling the truth or lying. my older bro and sister do not want nethin to do with me and blame me for the family problems and the breaking up the family. ive stopped talking to my parents as they hurt me so much, emotionally and physically.

just leave home best thing to do, no point in staying somewhere your not wanted

stress wrote:

my dad has been lying to me, as i have found out that my dad knew the people who asked for the rishta but claims he does not know them. my dad keeps changing his story so i dnt no if he is telling the truth or lying. my older bro and sister do not want nethin to do with me and blame me for the family problems and the breaking up the family. ive stopped talking to my parents as they hurt me so much, emotionally and physically.

Sister, you are in a no win situation here, it appears as though (and please forgive me for this) that your mum is a very vicious person who has absolute and tyrincal power in your family, your aunty has promised you support however she is failing to meet her promise , it appears as though she is also afraid of your mum.

Based on my experience if you both stick to your positions the situation will further deteriorate. something is very clear and that is your mum will never move from her position because A- her personality and B- the pressure on her from the people that want there son to marry a Passport- Sorry I meant Marry You. these people are very greedy and selfish. They are putting huge pressures on your mum and family so that they can have there way, if they are close family then your mum will never move from her position, that means that you have to move from your position and if you dont move then your life will be really horrible, therefore you need a plan and as luck would have it I have a plan, but bear in mind this is not for the faint hearted.

Firstly remember that there are 2 parties in this situation your family and the guy that they want you to marry. Step one- you should personally approach this guy, since he is in pakistan you will have to ring him up, usually parents will murder you if they caught you talking to another guy, but in this situation they are probably already chasing you round the house with the phone trying to get you to talk to them (and especially now with these new phone cards where you get a million minutes for 20p - tell me about it). Once you have him on the phone go to a secluded room (im sure you wont have a problem with that), and explain to him that he should not take it personally but you need his help, seen as he has no chance of marrying anyway he should make it clear to everyone that he does not want to marry you (and to help your case you can lie to him by saying you will find him another bride from england or you will sponsor him- of course you do not have to go through with these promises, And I know Lying is haraam but remember persecution which is happening to you is much worse).
and the chances are that this will be impossible because he would NEVER give up his opportunity to come to england, regardless of whether this will ruin your life. If he is like most guys over there, to him your life has no value against his desires, This step is very important because it will make the next step very easy- get ready for it as I said earlier " it is not for the faint hearted". If he goes along with you then it is him that had rejected you, thus resulting in your mums connection with her family much weaker, this should make your situation much easier.

Try the first step and if it fails then get in touch where we will have to move on to plan B and keep me informed

my parents have won this war, i found out the guy i really wanted to be with is getting married in pakistan as he also had no choice. i have cut my loses with him. but i still cnt look at my family faces of all the hurt and pain they have caused. i still have all this anger inside me dat i cnt express it and i jus end up crying constantly my auntie was lying about supporting me, whatever i told her she told my mum everything. my mum doesnt listen to ne1 not even her own brother, who is older than her. im defo not going university in sept to finish my degree and im still looking for a job

the guy i wanted to marry is not 4rm pakistan

Firstly im DISGUSTED at some ppls behaviour on this forum. One person takes it upon themselves to judge/criticise slag their parents off and some of you are joining in. Those of you that are devil has been whispering in your ear and you need to go away and familiarise yourself with what the Quran says about respecting your parents. Then you need to go and repent your sins to Allah (swt).

Secondly that lack of moderation that is going on this forum. Yeah i realise you want to discuss things freely but there should be some limits /barriers a line that should not be crossed. In this thread that line has been crossed several times.

Have you ever heard the saying there are two sides to every story. None of you have heard the parents side of the story and you have suddenly made the assumption the parents must be the perpetrators and stress must be the victim.

Im shocked at the lack of respect that the British Muslim youth have for their parents! What F*** is wrong with you!!!

Although its true, there is such a thing as two sides of the same coin. However, since we only have one side we can only taylor our advice based on that. So sis, unless you've got the other side theres very little we can do.

We've all agreed with you that our parents deserve our respect and obedience. However we are not obligated to obey when they ask us to do something that is wrong or against Islam. when those who move you be our parents, our soul is in our own keeping alone. When you stand before God you cannot say "but I was told by others to do thus" or that "virtue was not convinient at the time. This will not suffice.

PS: Cursing doesnt suit you sis.

naz, its kinda hard to respect your parents when they lock you up at home, control your life and give you no freedom whatsoever. when i say 'hard to respect' i don't mean its ok to swear at them etc but you lose any admiration u had for them because of ther character and what they are doing. yes we have heard only one side of the story but that doesn't mean we should ignore the sister because we don't no the full story. she has come here looking for help and we should help and advise her as much as we can. this is our duty as muslims. as far as i'm aware nothing unislamic has been send nor has anyone crossed the line.

If i was cursing i would have said those ppl that slag off their parents may Allah(swt) curse them with disobedient children. Now that is cursing.

Some ppl have given advice fair dos but those that have joined in to slag her parents thats just wrong. Who are they to pass judgement on other ppls parents? Its easy to criticise our own/other ppls parents when we are not parents ourselves.

I agree that her parents are in the wrong for bringing cast into it and for that they will be judged accordingly by Allah(swt). By accepting their decision one will get reward for respecting their decision. If one slags off their parents what makes you any different to what they are doing?

E.g. the Prophets father made idols for a living. I think he may have worshipped them as well not sure. The Prophet didnt go around bad mouthing his dad even though he was committing a major sin.

If you wanna give advice thats fine but if ppl continue to slag her parents (whom im giving the benefit of the doubt) or anyone elses parents then im gonna be there to stick up for them as seen as no one else can be bothered. They may not be my parents but they are still a parent and i respect any parent whether good or bad.

the father of nabi did not worship idols nor did he take part in making them. the father and mother of nabi were free from all the jahil activities that took place.