How to keep loving your parents when you work out they're just human (and not flawless superheroes/human)

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I cant right now find an article that touched me about being good to parents or anything, but there's this video and one of his main point there is being good to parents, so that will be my introductionary post.

I created this topic coz of stuff going on at home, and at the same time i was listening to this vid and i had no idea it was going to mention parents and now im a bit at a loss coz my questions kinda got answered.

still, i want to create this topic. I have to admit, I'm someone who is always really affected when i see that my parents are not perfect, that they make mistakes, have weakenesses and shortcoming. it kinda terrifies me. and at the beginning it did, i was just.. i didnt know how to deal with that. anger, rebellion, and stuff like that, helplessness as well. it was just so shocking. and as you grow up you see more of that side of your parents, coz they're growing old as well isnt? but you dont get used to it, well i still havent (not that its been happening to me so many times..) i still get totally thrown off and dont know what to do with myself. i just want to close my eyes and blank out for i dont know until when...

in the talk it said that, if you become a slave of Allah, then it will become easy to obey adn listen to parents, however irrational or illogical their requests might be. as far as i understood this is because you wouldnt be doing it for parents, but for Allah, this will be your way of being good, of getting closer to Allah, of seeking salvation for your own soul, of asking for forgiveness.

plus, common, this isnt Allah asking you to look after a random person off the street you never met before, this is Allah asking you to be grateful for this woman who carried you with no breaks for 9 months and put her life on the line to bring you to this world.

 

edit: i edited all the "parents are humans" into "parents are not perfect"

Lilly wrote:
that my parents are "humans" that they make mistakes, have weakenesses and shortcoming.

 

the word human was the wrong choice of word, it shld have been "not perfect" so, if you reread this, replace "human" with "not perfect"

 

and even if its a fact of life and a choice, it doesnt change the fact that she carried a very heavy load around and that she could never take it off for a rest or change her mind about it or get rid of it easily is still there. its not being in debt, i cant believe you see it that way, its empathy. and gratefulness. so what if "she agreed to it when she got married"? had she experienced it before? did she have ANY idea what she was in for? the change in the body, the moddswings, the morning sickness, the backpains, the lack of comfort? shldnt we be grateful that there was a human out there who was willing to put HER LIFE on the line and die to bring YOU into this world? when she didnt even know what you looked like or what you were like? shouldnt we be ETERNALLY grateful to someone like this? geez, she didnt SAVE your life, she BROUGHT YOU to life. because of her, you're here. on earth, doign what you like, seeing amazing things, you're fully formed and well fed and well looked after.

have you forgotten what you mother has done for you? not even these 9 months, for the past i dont know how many years you've stayed at home? or is that ALSO part of the contract/fact of life? oh when she got pregnant she knew she was going to have to feed and clothes me and put up with my tantrums for the next 20 years?

 

so what if its a fact? does the sky being factually blue make it any less beautiful? does the fact that birds fly make it any less amazing? does the fact that we breathe oxygen make it any less important?

 

and no, she didnt go through all this pain thinking "ah its okay, when that kid grows up, it will have to take care of me" do you think that kind of idea would have helped her through labour pains?! no. she did it out of love, and sometimes the thought that you MIGHT love her back helped her on and help her keep going. sometimes people do things for you just because. and usually, the people who receive that are grateful and want to do something back. of equal or close to equal value. there's no gain or twisted aim involved. its just love. its what humans do sometimes. it doesnt have to be some conspiracy theory with well defined aims or whatever.

 

and, dont assume man, i never felt digust at my parents being not perfect.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Lol Titanium you just got owned Blum 3 

I agree with you both. I think everyone in society has duties and obligations to each other (most given to us by God) but just because they are duties, it doesn't mean we should not be grateful... people don't do their duties all the time, and they have the freedom not to. E.g baby p had nothing to be grateful for with regard to his parents, she may have bore him for 9 months but big deal. 

#Before you look at the thorns of the rose , look at it's beauty. Before you complain about the heat of the sun , enjoy it's light. Before you complain about the blackness of the night, think of it's peace and quiet... #

i dont know..i think it's been too long and you've forgotten that feeling. or maybe for you it didnt have such a big impact as it had on me. that feeling when you realised your parents aren't perfect and they can make big-ish mistakes.

and no, there is no disappointment in my OP. as my original point was, to me there werent "human" they were "super human", they were heroes and they knew what they were doing and they had everything under control. it wasnt disappointment, it was coming out of childhood fantasy into hard hitting reality.

 

being grateful includes care and respect and honesty as you mentionned, but you seem to think that giving parents care respect and honesty falls in a different category? its not being grateful? 

but im the same, Im more grateful to God than anyone else. when i want to be upstairs talking to my friend but my dad is downstairs cleaning the kitchen, the only reason why i go downstairs adn stay there until he's finished is because of Allah. The onyl reason why, when ive got 1000 things to do, i still sit with my mum and help her with her arabic h/w is because of Allah. the only reason why, when my mum starts calling me selfish coz im still in bed and she's stressed out, i go downstairs and do what she wants me to do and help her out is because of Allah.

because Allah told me to be good to my parents, told me it was only second most important to worshipping Him, so even if i was to put ALL my dreams aside and spend the rest of my life at home looking after my parents, it wld be worthy.

because the prophet sallallahu'alaihiwassalaam told me that even if icarried my mother around on my back for hajj, i wld nt be able to repay the pains she has gone through.

so im not trying to pay back or anything. I dont knw anything about priorities and what's important in life. so Allah tells me. He tells me that apart from worshipping Him, being dutiful to my parents is  my top priority. it doesnt matter if i fall back in uni work or whatever. coz if im dutiful to my parents, Allah will make a way for me. I'll understand my uni wrok faster, i'll get full mark in my session tests etc..

 

my OP didnt sound, TO YOU, empathetic. it might have to others. so dont tell me my OP didnt sound empathetic as if its a fact.

and thank you very much for your permission, Im off to "knock myself out" being grateful to my parents by cleaning the house.

 

PS: if your post arent used to "pass a judgement abt you as a person" what the HECK are they supposed to be used for? or maybe my definition of "passing a judgement about someone as a person" is different.

passing a judgement is bad.

passing a judgement abt someone as a person  basically means building a character profile to illustrate the person behind the name.

oh wait, do you sometimes reply just to reply? and the stuff you say isnt really the stuff you believe in/think is right/agree with? if yes, then that solves everything.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

JazakAllahu Khairan for making such a topic. I needed something like this at this moment in time. Just thanks, that's all.

 

so, if you do all that, the whole listening to parents and doing what they want you to do etc...and then they turn around and say something like: "you never listen to us, you never help me, I just don't want to talking to you" or something like that.

 

what the heck are you suppose to do then?

 

if it hurts when they say that, does that mean your intention was misplaced? and these are "adjustments" Allah is sending so you can retune your intention to get the most out of this act of worship?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

I like what you've said Lilly, but I don't get the title at all.

You'll love your parents regardless of whether they're fat, intimidating, bossy or whatever. Whether they're perfect or not has nothing to do with how much you'll love them either, cause everyone makes mistakes.. and so the level of respect should be the same in every situation..

 How to keep loving your parents when you work out they're not perfect.. ?? :S

 

sigh..what shall we change it to?

how to keep honouring your parents?

how to keep respecting your parents?

how to keep.... what?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

@Me I get it, I think. Not sure how good my explanation'll be.

Parents are the people in our lives who we rely on for so much and we are so dependant on...we see them from a very young age as the figures who are always right and know everything and give the best advice.

But at some stage we kinda see that parents too have their insecurities and doubts and fears and I think it's kinda scary for us to see these people we love and respect so much particularly because they have appeared as always so composed and stable(?) making us confused on how to have hope for ourselves be 'perfect' if the two people we were sure were 'perfect' are proving to be more 'flawed' than we thought...it made more sense in my head....

Well that's my interpretation anyway, might be different to what Lilly intended.

(Btw, I think the vid is ACEEEE. So relevant and relatable and he made some very good points, thanks for sharing). 

 

Lilly wrote:
sigh..what shall we change it to?

how to keep honouring your parents?

how to keep respecting your parents?

how to keep.... what?

I suppose to me it's simply, "How to accept your parents as fallible" ?

#Before you look at the thorns of the rose , look at it's beauty. Before you complain about the heat of the sun , enjoy it's light. Before you complain about the blackness of the night, think of it's peace and quiet... #

Rawrrs_isarollingstone wrote:
Lilly wrote:
sigh..what shall we change it to?

how to keep honouring your parents?

how to keep respecting your parents?

how to keep.... what?

I suppose to me it's simply, "How to accept your parents as fallible" ?

 

oh i like! (Y)!! JAzakAllahkhair Rawrs!

 

and at @Me, sorry about the "sigh" i didnt realise it was you who posted.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

I liked, and was able to relate to, the first title.

As kids you believe that your parents ARE perfect.

Over the early years, your definition of what's perfect and what's normal is based on what you see in your parents.

When you grow up and go nursery and school and masjid and then onto college, uni and work you realise that your parents like everyone else are NOT perfect.

And to me this post was helping to guide you on how to keep loving your parents when you work out that they're NOT the model of perfection that you once believed them to be.

 

Lilly wrote:

 

oh i like! (Y)!! JAzakAllahkhair Rawrs!

 

 

No probs. Although I'm not sure why people found the initial title confusing tbh. I think they're probs just being a bit pedantic.  

#Before you look at the thorns of the rose , look at it's beauty. Before you complain about the heat of the sun , enjoy it's light. Before you complain about the blackness of the night, think of it's peace and quiet... #

i agree with the both of you (NS and Rawr). it was an evolution, my title might have been confusing at the beginning because it is a confusing issue that requires "maturing".

from How to keep loving your parents when you work out they're just Humans (as oppose to superheroes/humans..just a lil clarification there lol)

to

How to keep loving your parents when you work out they're not perfect

and now

How to accept your parents are faillible.

 

these are the stages people would go through i reckon... now..what to name it? is this a classic example of "trying to please others" or what? LOL.

I think i'll rename it (i feel stupid for renaming this so many times...) with the original-ish title, because this is how i expect someone who comes on this thread to feel, and slowly they realise that parents are faillible. but its okay.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Parents are blessings from Allah. Always we should remember that they have gone through the sufferings and take care of their child in every living condition. I think we can not evalute the situation unless we are become a parents. Parents always wishes the best for their child and make them happy. Our parents may be not so educted and so called tech savvy but their love is unconditional. I personally believe that what i behave with my parents will definitely returned by my child. If i take good care, talk lovingly with then my child will teach how to love their parents as well. 

assalamu'alaikum Amily and WELCOME!! hope you stick around.

i totally agree with what you've said. especially the bit abt the child being the way we act towards our parents. i think there's a hadith about this actually.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Waliakumas'salam lilly. Thanks for welcoming me. Yeah you are right, there are hadith about it. May Allah gives us enough will to take good care of our parents.