What Does Islam Say About Relationships? What's Wrong With Having Boy/Girlfriends?

Answer by Shaykh Salim Ghiza:

In the name of Allah the most Beneficent and Merciful.

Pre-marital relationships (boy/girlfriends) are strictly Haram (forbidden) in Islam. For non permissible males to have a relationship with non permissible females is one of the major sins in today’s era.

Unfortunately we see this western influence spreading like an illness amongst the Muslim youth. As barriers of work and study have been relaxed by parents, as they would like to see their children prosper, it has brought its evils with it.

Whilst working or studying is commended and supported by Islam, the values of guarding one’s modesty and chastity are even more important.

Answer by Shaykh Salim Ghiza:

In the name of Allah the most Beneficent and Merciful.

Pre-marital relationships (boy/girlfriends) are strictly Haram (forbidden) in Islam. For non permissible males to have a relationship with non permissible females is one of the major sins in today’s era.

Unfortunately we see this western influence spreading like an illness amongst the Muslim youth. As barriers of work and study have been relaxed by parents, as they would like to see their children prosper, it has brought its evils with it.

Whilst working or studying is commended and supported by Islam, the values of guarding one’s modesty and chastity are even more important.

All men and women have a responsibility under the Shariah that they do not attract the other sex for whom it is unlawful to do so. The measures taken are clear and that all men and women must wear clothing, which are modest and loose.

It is as much haram for a man to wear tight clothing, which would expose the shape of his bodily contours, which are haram for him to show as it is for a woman.

The hijab is the head covering and the reason why this is emphasised for a woman is because her hair and head are also recognised as Awrah (parts which she must cover). As for the man the best way he can protect his modesty is to lower his gaze (as well as cover his body which would cause a sexual attraction).

Looking at the Opposite Sex

Allah says in the Holy Quran regarding lowering the gaze:

"Tell believers to lower their gaze, and tell the believing women to lower their gaze." (24:30,31)

Imam Al Quduri the great Hanafi Jurist states "It is not permissible for a man to look at a woman who is not his wife or un-marriageable relative except for her face and hands (because of the necessity of her need to deal with men in taking and giving and the like). If a man is not safe from lust, he may not look at her face except for when it is demanded by necessity. (Quduri)

The above tells us the strict ruling of looking at a woman never mind having a relationship with her.

The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has said that the eye that looks at a woman (non Mahram) or vice versa with intent of lust or a relationship is the eye that commits fornication (zina). In a lengthy Hadith he says

"The fornication of the two eyes is an evil glance. The fornication of the two ears is the obscene talk. The fornication of the tongue and hand is the touch and grasp. And the fornication of the two feet is the steps taken towards evil. The heart desires and longs and the private parts abide with or does contrary to it". (Mishkat ul Masabih, Abu Dawood)

Teenage Pregnancies

Teenage relationships start off as friendship and eventually can lead to fornication. This is why the Prophet of Allah said "When two people (illegally) are together alone then the third is shaitaan" (Bukhari).

We see in today’s day and age the consequences of such actions. Great Britain has the highest amount of teenage pregnancies in the whole of Europe. In 2002, 37,232 girls under the age of 16 became pregnant, this figure has risen every year since.

In 2003 the figure was 40828 and in 2004 the figure has reached a record level of 42400. Allah wants to protect the young male and female from such actions.

In fact the Prophet of Allah has said

"one of the seven people who will be under the protection of the shade of the throne of Allah on the day of judgment when there will be no shade will be the young man (or woman) who was approached by a respectable beautiful woman but he replied `I fear Allah`." (Bukhari)

What's So Bad About It?

Young Girls and boys must realise that fornication (sex outside marriage) is one of the worst sins for a Muslim. The Prophet of Allah has said "The greatest sin after polytheism (shirk) is the man who commits fornication with a woman who is not his legal wife" (Ibn Kathir, Mishkat).

In fact it is so serious that the greatest of gifts, which is Imaan (faith), is removed from the fornicator until the evil act is finished. The Prophet of Allah said "Faith comes out of a person whilst he commits fornication" (Mishkat).

It has also been stated in another hadith related by Imam Tirmidhi, Abu Dawood and Baihaqi that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “When a servant in Allah engages in fornication, his faith leaves him, for it is like a piece of cloth covering his head (and is removed), and when he finishes his sin, his faith returns”.

Another point to take in to account is when young men and women look for a suitable partner, even if they were themselves involved in such acts, they will want a partner who was pious and had protected their chastity, hence, modesty and Haya (Shamefulness) is a part of Imaan as advised to us by our beloved Prophet. (Bukhari)

Mahram or non-Mahram?

Islam categorises and defines the relations from the opposite sex who are not allowed to be a marital partner and therefore are known as Mahram. All other types of relations or people are regarded as non Mahram hence marriage is allowable with them and therefore individual contact is not permissible unless it is open and necessary or the person is beyond marriageable age.

Mahram - people who you are not allowed to marry

(Extracted from Reliance of the Traveler) It is unlawful for one to marry one’s ancestors, descendents, parent’s descendents, or the first generation of one’s grandparent’s offspring, meaning one’s paternal or maternal aunts or uncles. One’s un-marriageable kin (mahram) are those one is forbidden to marry forever.

For a man:

  • Mother
  • Grandmothers (paternal or maternal) and on up
  • Daughters
  • Daughters of his children, children’s children and on down.
  • Sisters
  • Daughters of brothers or sisters, their children’s daughters, and on down
  • Mother’s sisters, grandmothers sisters and on up
  • Father’s sisters and father’s fathers sisters and on up
  • Wife’s mother, Wife’s grandmother
  • The wives of his father, father’s father and on up
  • The wives of his children, children’s children and on down.

All the mentioned relatives are unlawful to be married. However, the first lot are due to blood relationships and hence it would be incest.

The last four are unlawful due to the fact of his marriage, i.e., wife’s mother (she was lawful but became unlawful when he married his wife) and this is what this means and will now remain unlawful for him even if he was to divorce his wife. The same applies with the other three.

Also, all of his wet nurse mother’s kin made un-marriageable to him due to being breast fed by his milk mother.

It is also unlawful for a man to marry both of these together (whilst being married to the other):

  • A woman and her sister
  • A woman and her father’s sister
  • A woman and her mother’s sister
  • He may marry the other if he was to divorce (or by death) the first partner.

For a woman:

  • Father, grandfather and on up
  • Son, son’s son, daughter’s son and on down
  • Brother
  • Father’s brother, meaning the brother of any male ancestor
  • Mother’s brother, meaning the brother of any female ancestor
  • Brother’s son, sister’s son, or any other descendant of brothers or sisters
  • The husband of her mother, grandmother and on up
  • The husband of her daughter or other female descendant
  • Her husband’s father, grandfather and on up, and the husband’s son and descendant’s

Also, all of her wet nurse mother’s kin made un-marriageable to him her to being breast fed by her milk mother.

To conclude: Mixing freely with the opposite sex (non-mahram) without necessity is not allowed in Islam. Having a boy/girlfriend is totally haram. We need to understand what relationships are allowed and what are not.

We ask Allah to protect us and help us guard our Chastity.

Have any questions? Send them into

Comments

Courage
Member since:
19 August 2007
Last activity:
5 years 11 months

With respect to Sheikh Salim Ghiza, I don't think this article does a very good job. It informs, yes. But it forgets about the question: "What's wrong with it." It forgets about the practical side of it, and that's a very poor thing to do, in this day and age.
If you were a part-time or non-Muslim reading that, what effect would that have on you? Would it convince you that Islam is the way forward. You've briefly mentioned teen pregnancy, but surely you can do more than that.
Plus as the devil's advocate, I can argue that we have condoms and relationships don't have to lead to fornication. We still have the sins of murder and injustice and corruption.
I don't mean to be over critical but I just think you can, and need to, do better.

Chin up, mate! Life's too short.

Funzo
Member since:
28 October 2005
Last activity:
2 years 7 months

a quote comes to mind
"girls come and go, ALLAH swt stays with you forever"
Hafiz saab ishmael (hijaz college)

Those who danced were thought to be quite insane, by those who couldn't hear the music...

ipreferSeCRTeT (not verified)

I DO NO AGREE WITH THIS!!
I BELIEVE IT IS NOT HARAM FOR THERE TO BE PRE-Maritial freind ships b4 marrige.
im sorry about capital letters.
and men with tight clothing?
wut is there for men that they have to hide in the first place?

Ya'qub
Member since:
21 November 2006
Last activity:
1 year 9 months

ipreferSeCRTeT wrote:
I DO NO AGREE WITH THIS!!
I BELIEVE IT IS NOT HARAM FOR THERE TO BE PRE-Maritial freind ships b4 marrige.
im sorry about capital letters.
and men with tight clothing?
wut is there for men that they have to hide in the first place?

If you don't know, then that means the men whose clothes you've seen have not been too tight!

Don't just do something! Stand there.

shaj (not verified)

hi sir
i would like to get your help.im from a hindu family.im having a friend [which is a muslim girl]who have being studyin wt me for the last 18 years.unfortunately an affair turned on between us.and i discussed wt her.as she is a religous gal,she said its a sin to have those stuffs.i respect muslim religion and i dont want to break her beliefs,
IS THERE ANY PROBLEM,TO CONTINUE OUR FRIENDSHIP???

Seraphim
Member since:
24 June 2005
Last activity:
1 day 7 hours

shaj wrote:
hi sir
i would like to get your help.im from a hindu family.im having a friend [which is a muslim girl]who have being studyin wt me for the last 18 years.unfortunately an affair turned on between us.and i discussed wt her.as she is a religous gal,she said its a sin to have those stuffs.i respect muslim religion and i dont want to break her beliefs,
IS THERE ANY PROBLEM,TO CONTINUE OUR FRIENDSHIP???

The short answer is yes, there is a problem with continuing the friendship.

Back in BLACK

Ya'qub
Member since:
21 November 2006
Last activity:
1 year 9 months

wednesday wrote:
18 years! :o Blimey what in the world were you studying?

I like 'blimey' Biggrin

Don't just do something! Stand there.

You
Member since:
24 June 2005
Last activity:
2 hours 36 min

I doubt it.

Its time to be angry.

Anonymous2212 (not verified)

hi there,
i am a young muslim girl al hamdulliah. and i have a question for u.
there is a family friend of whom i have feelings towards.
my intentions are pure and i would like for him to ask for my hand in marriage, only i dont know how to go about it, i was intersted in knowing what actions i can take that are not haram. do i speak to someone bout it? im very stuck.

HELP Sad

Ya'qub
Member since:
21 November 2006
Last activity:
1 year 9 months

Anonymous2212 wrote:
hi there,
i am a young muslim girl al hamdulliah. and i have a question for u.
there is a family friend of whom i have feelings towards.
my intentions are pure and i would like for him to ask for my hand in marriage, only i dont know how to go about it, i was intersted in knowing what actions i can take that are not haram. do i speak to someone bout it? im very stuck.

HELP Sad

Why don't you tell your parents?

Don't just do something! Stand there.

Anonymous9999 (not verified)

i understand all this
but to be honest
most of my close friends are guys, but we're STRICTLY friends
their like brothers to me
most of my girl friends are white and non islamic
my guy friends are more decent and probably understand and respect me more
but my mum has made me promise allah i will never speak to a boy out of lesson time
the promise came from the mouth and not the heart
im struggling with keeping it,
what do i do??

dont just tell me it's haram n i should keep it
i already know this

with my girl mates, all they talk about is boys, make up etc.
with my guy mates their more real ...

need advice, really dont know what to do

You
Member since:
24 June 2005
Last activity:
2 hours 36 min

You're playing with fire.

Have you considered that you like having "guy mates" more because you might be attracted to them on some level?

... with my guy mates their more real ...

What do you think they talk about when you're not there?

Its time to be angry.

sephy (not verified)

You wrote:
You're playing with fire.

Have you considered that you like having "guy mates" more because you might be attracted to them on some level?

... with my guy mates their more real ...

What do you think they talk about when you're not there?

Well they definately dont talk abot boys and makeup thats for sure Lol

Anon sees them as brothers but do they see you the same way???

Jst make sure you keep your distance and dont get too friendly. Distance is good, barriers are better. a 'F*** Off' sign on your forehead is best Wink

Anonymous9999 (not verified)

nooooo
i know i aint attracted to them
most of them have girlfriends
i know they dont see me like that
they call me their little sister
they look out for me
i know i might sound like a dum lil girl but i know they aint going on about it any other way and neither am i

You
Member since:
24 June 2005
Last activity:
2 hours 36 min

If that changes at any point in the future - would you then give up the company of your male friends?

Its time to be angry.

Anonymous99999999 (not verified)

if i knew that they were attracted to me and did not see me in the same way that i saw them then yes i would give that up

You
Member since:
24 June 2005
Last activity:
2 hours 36 min

and if it was the other way around - if you found yourself attracted to someone. Would you still give the whole company up willingly?

I am not giving answers, just asking questions. Making sure you know where you really stand. After that, everyone is responsible for their own actions.

Its time to be angry.

Anonymous9999 (not verified)

ermmmm
yeahh i suppose i would

You
Member since:
24 June 2005
Last activity:
2 hours 36 min

"I suppose so" doesn't sound very convincing.

Either way, you know what the situation is and if things did arise, you will have to react. At the same time, playing with matches can be dangerous.

Even if there is nothing going on between you and the guys and there never will be... and even if there was nothing possibly wrong with it ever (problems are only when you are alone afaik...) it sets expectations. for later in life. when you want to get married.

You will expect things due to your current interactions - the expectations may be goods or bad, but they may also be limiting you.

Just be aware that whatever you choose - there are consequences.

Its time to be angry.

Anonymous9999 (not verified)

what do you mean i will expect things?

thanks for the advice btw
but im surrounded by guys every where i go
i dont see how i can be expected never to talk to them and be friends with them
i understand why my parents would want that
but its not realistic

You
Member since:
24 June 2005
Last activity:
2 hours 36 min

its not realistic to not talk to them at all, and that is not a requirement either. But friends - are they not something closer than simply people you are surrounded with?

I guess it depends on definitions and how you define a friend.

Talking to someone is not friendship. Hanging/chilling can be.

oh, and you may not know this, but guys are rarely to be trusted. we may look all trust worthy, many may even be so, but there also be wolves in sheeps clothing.

Its time to be angry.

Sephy (not verified)

Anonymous9999 wrote:
what do you mean i will expect things?

He means earlier relationships kinda set the standard that all future relationships will be judged on. His psychology is not wrong.

s.b.f
Member since:
1 October 2008
Last activity:
7 hours 21 min

Talking to someone is not friendship. Hanging/chilling can be.

?

 

TPOS
Member since:
8 November 2008
Last activity:
16 hours 25 sec

s.b.f wrote:

Talking to someone is not friendship. Hanging/chilling can be.

?

me: Hey Jonny can u pass me the googles please?
J: ye, here u go

me: jonny dya wna go out on saturday?
Jonny: yeah it'l fun, cya at our usual place!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

Anonymous9999 (not verified)

alright thanks
but what do i do now?
just block them all out?
and my guy mates, we dont really hang/chill out of school, we just talk out of school, by text or msn etc. so i'm guessing thats wrong too?
and btw our conversations are decent + nothing haram

You
Member since:
24 June 2005
Last activity:
2 hours 36 min

Make sure you avoid haraam discussions/situations etc.

If you only see them in school/college/uni/work etc... you cannot simply ignore the existence of others. well, you can... but that is a different story.

What you have to make sure is that any interactions follow Islamic standards and etiquette and the simplest way of following that is a clean cut.

(also, not being friends with them will be following your parents request - so extra reward. But that does not mean you blank them.)

Try avoiding too many conversations on msn or other private tools unless they have some sort of aim to them, like homework etc.

Its time to be angry.

Anonymous9999 (not verified)

okay
so this 'promise' i had to make
i guess i have to keep it even if it just came from my mouth n not my heart?

You
Member since:
24 June 2005
Last activity:
2 hours 36 min

yes.

It is a matter of who you want to be and promises are important things, never to be made lightly.

Its time to be angry.

Azbeau (not verified)

Salam,

I can totally see where you're coming from and you're intentions seem to be completely innocent. But even when you don't feed a plant, rain still falls and helps it grow; basically sometimes feelings can erupt out of nowhere. Just be careful and maybe build a thicker wall between you and the boys :DDD

Azbeau (not verified)

Sorry that was meant to be to the Anonymous posting...

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