Issue 5: Ali Wannabe & Jamal!

By Irfan Khan and Dawud

In the Mosque, after a talk has been held, everyone is sitting down to eat, food is being served. Jamal sees Ali and makes a bee line for him and sits across from him.

Jamal: As Salaamu alaykum Ali, its a very pleasant surprise to see you here.

Ali: W-S

Jamal: Huh? Double-you ess?

Ali: I said 'Wa Salaam.' And it's good to see you too.

Jamal: Aww thanks, really though it's amazing that you're here.

Ali: Its nothing, I got a text saying there was food and … the rest is history.

Jamal: Well the important thing is that you're here; just being in a Mosque is a rewardable act.

Ali: Bonus, I get rewarded from God and I get a Scran, now that's what I'm talking about.

Jamal: err … exactly; you should stay positive… like the Shaykh!

Ali: Where is it? I'll have a mango or strawberry Shake.

Jamal: No no, I meant the Shaykh who just gave the talk, as in learned Shaykh not a Milkshake.

Ali: What? Make your self clear next time bro me was well lookin forward to a shake, I can taste it now its your fault. [Jamal takes out his mild frustration on the food]

Jamal: You look great! What you been doing?

Ali: Sick bro, I met someone, and we're talking about marriage-

Jamal: [Cough] [Cough] [Splutter]

Ali: WOAH, JAM! I ain't never seen anyone cough curry out through their nose before!

Jamal: That is so amazing, Masha Allah I am really glad for you! Really?

Ali: Yeah bro, I've seen people choking on water, or sneezing in their biryani, but for real you did something next level!

Jamal: NO! The marriage, so you're gonna marry then?

Ali: Easy Bro, I know you Molvi types like your food but you ain't rushing me into getting married just so you can have some scran. I was talking to this guy I know he was telling me about his rishtah!

Jamal: Oh right, sorry, sorry … so your giving advice to others when you going to take some advise and get married … to a nice girl?

Ali: Nah mate, I got all my all my chilling to do first!

Jamal: Like what?

Ali: er… I want to see the world.

Jamal: So marry someone and you can see the world together, a wife and traveling companion.

Ali: Yeah, but I wanna make bare dollars first.

Jamal: No Problem, a wife won't stop you from making money.

Ali: No but she'll spend it pretty quick.

Jamal: Ah I see your point. I could set you up with a girl from back home, easy maintenance n all that.

Ali: … No woman is easy maintenance bro they just eat your money.

Jamal: Okay, but did you know The Holy Prophet SAW has said that 'marriage is half of Deen'?

Ali: Okay… erm… but, I wanna work on the other half first.

Jamal: You're not really going for the whole marriage thing are you?”

Ali: To tell you the truth Jam, I'm scared. If I get married, no more getting up at half twelve in the afternoon, and no more crazy nights with the boyz, no more reckless driving in the Pakimobile with the boyz… I'll go under Jam! I don't wanna GO UNDER! Don't let me go under! Please!

Jamal: Shhh bro, everyone is looking at us… [Pause] Marriage ain't no prison sentence

Ali: Seems to look like one though

Jamal: Look bro, Islam teaches us that the man and the woman are a perfect pair, some things the man has a degree of advantage and in something's the woman does. But together they're a team, a match made in heaven.

Ali: so what you're saying, is that if I get married, she can cook I'll eat, I'll make a mess n she will clean and wash up after me?… Wow marriage sounds good now.

Jamal: Uh … we're getting there…

Jamal:…Could you pass me some coke bro?

Ali: WHAT? In here? Look Jam I got none of that stuff! It's no good for you Jam! Drugs are HARAAM … aren't they?

Jamal: What are you on about? There's a bottle right next to you.

Ali: Oh righht, coke. Ha-ha, sure no problem, ha-ha here you go.

Jamal: Jazaakallah Khayr brother … So what d'you think I meant?

Ali: Noting noting, so marriage, yeah, tell me more.

Jamal: The first objective of the Islamic law of marriage is that it protects the morals of the people. Islam forbids adultery and fornication, so it gives you a legit alternative which is then a rewardable act. The second objective is the relationship should be based on mutual love cooperation of love, mercy and kindness for each other, so they may enjoy the happiness and peace vital for a healthy society. The first woman was made from the rib of the first man to be by his side, and from his left rib to be near and protect his heart, and so that together the man and woman find completeness in each other. Allah SWT says in the Qur'an how everything is made in pairs and so it really is the natural way. [Ali digests more than just the food.]

Ali: Well I would like to settle with some nice girl.

Jamal: That's good.

Ali: A nice house.

Jamal: Excellent.

Ali: A few kids.

Jamal: Beautiful.

Ali: But not yet.

Jamal: Why?

Ali: I'm the heart break kid bro, me break enough women's hearts if me gets married, now me can't do that can I?

Jamal: you don't know the half of it, fire underneath you, and hell fire above. Hot enough to melt your skin off.

Ali: Easy bro …

Jamal: Is it too REAL for you?

Ali: Nah bro, it's just the whole skin melting thing, y'know I'm trying to eat an all.

Jamal: I'm sorry; does the idea of your skin melting put you off your food? DO want to be drinking BLOOD and PUSS???

Ali: What you chattin' about you muppet?

Jamal: HELL!!

Ali: Don't swear bro we're in a Mosque, and what's with the blood drinking talk, I ain't no vampire! Vampires are Kaafir … right?

Jamal: Do you want to burn in HELL? Ali, because messing around with girls and having a bit on the side without getting married is a good way to book a reservation.

Ali: What? Talk sense fool, you trying to send me to Hell?

Jamal: Not me brother, it's the devil that's trying. Hell ain't too pretty: “Thus. Then will they taste it – a boiling fluid and a filthy fluid of pus and blood and other penalties of a similar kind to match them.”[Quran.38: 57-58]

Ali: Okay now you're scaring me.

Jamal: WOMAN is the last arrow of Shaytaan, when he runs out of tricks and disguises to throw at you; he uses the trap of women!

Ali: What you mean the trap of women?

Jamal: The shaytan will tempt you into doing haram things and seen as men are weak and pathetic he will use the lure of women to make you do something that goes against Islam.

Ali: So I guess the Devil will be tempting the women too by using a good looking guy like me?

Jamal: You wish…So if you wanna put the smack down on The Devil, you gotta get married, that's why its ½ of your faith. Marriage stops you from doing so many wrongs if you go into marriage with the right frame of mind.

Ali: Right, so if I wanna give him a knock out blow or a big kick in the nuts then I should get married three more times!

Jamal: I like your Taqwa, but if you plan on staying in this country, you have to obey the law of the land, and that means only one wife at a time.

Ali: Yeah, you're right four wives would be serious head-ache.

Jamal: True, Were not allowed to take more than one wife Islamically, if there is a fear we wouldn't be able to treat them all fairly and justly.

Ali: That wouldn't be too easy, all that make up to buy, the latest fashion accessories, the new clothes … someone grab me I'm gonna faint.

Jamal: Marriage is a blessing upon us, it is mentioned as a blessed and rewarding thing in Allah SWT Qur'an, and it is the pious Sunnah of Our Beloved Prophet SAW. It leads to children, which are the mercy of Allah SWT, and a nourishing society.

Ali: Whoa that's tight. I'z gonna give that some proper heavy thought.

Jamal: Really? You'll actually consider getting married.

Ali: Well I'm not saying I want to get married right now, but I don't think I'll be saying 'no' forever.

Jamal: That's encouraging to hear.

Ali: So tell the molvi Saab the program was really good.

Jamal: You liked it, aww that's beautiful.

Ali: Yeah, the way it started with rice and then the curry, and then some potato put in here and there, then how he wrapped it all up at the end with a small piece of naan. Genius. Left a warm glow inside of me … I gotta order here more often.

Jamal: Have some water bro before that warm glow turns into a raging fire…

Ali: You know what Jam? I fink you'd make a proper good husband…

Jamal: Thanks Ali.

Ali: …To some molvi type woman! [Ali cracks up laughing]

Jamal: I don't know why you're laughing bro, that's a really nice compliment!

Ali: What? Don't you want a good looking wife?

Jamal: Of course I do.

Ali: Okay you're confusing me, if you want a good looking wife, shouldn't you go for someone sexy.

Jamal: Hey, we're in a Mosque.

Ali: Right … yeah.

Jamal: You can have a beautiful pious wife, The Beloved Prophet SAW said “A woman is married for four reasons, her wealth, lineage, status and Deen. Choose the one who is religious.” (Sahih al-Bukhari).

Ali: Whoa, that's like the best of both worlds.

Jamal: You said it; the first marriage took place in paradise and lasted into this world and it works the other way too. Islam tells us that in paradise a wife will still be married with her husband, not just that but just being with your wife is a rewardable act that can lead you to paradise. Just a look of tenderness passed between husband and wife is a rewardable act as well as a divine blessing!

Ali: That's beautiful Jam, truly.

Jamal: You should marry a molvi Ali.

Ali: You meant 'Molvi type wife' right?

Jamal: Have lots of beautiful kids.

Ali: Actually I was thinking of having ugly ones … of course I want beautiful kids.

Jamal: No, what I meant is that, if you have pious children they are blessings for you; even after you kick the bucket. Their good deeds can redeem you from the hellfire or raise your Station in Paradise. They can ask forgiveness on your behalf, so you would get rewarded for being blessed with molvi type children.

Ali: Yeah that all sounds sick, in a good way, but why do we have to marry our cousins?

Jamal: Uh… you don't. I know there are some people who say you can only marry your cousins, but that's not true, it is permissible for Muslims to marry their cousins but they can also marry other people too.

Ali: What about these people, who say you, gotta marry someone in your same caste?

Jamal: Yeah that's true; they're called Hindu's, its haram for us to marry them.

Ali: What??? But I heard Muslims saying they got to marry in the caste?

Jamal: No for real, only the Hindu's have castes. The Muslims believe all men are equal in the sight of Allah SWT except in piety, and we believe having different family names doesn't make you un-pious.

Ali: Okay one more question … What about goats? Is that halaal?

Jamal: Goats? Yes, they make great food

Ali: No… er… I mean to marry one? Cos I read about this guy who was made to marry a goat. [Jamal chokes]

Ali: Hey! You just did the curry out your nose trick again!…