By Sajid Iqbal & Zahid Maqbool

Ali takes Jamal with him to speak to his Dad about marriage...

Ali: Salaam Pops... how ya doin? This is Jamal.

Ali's Dad: Wa Alay Kum Salaam Ali. Did you bring me my Rusk biscuits? My milky tea is getting cold!

Ali: No Pop... I didn't, but I need to chat with you about summat serious...

Ali's Dad: NO! You cannot be on my car insurance!

Ali: Chill Dad, it’s more serious.

Ali's Dad: What! You want the remote control?

Ali: Nah... even more serious.

Ali's Dad: What!!??

Ali: Pops... I wanna... err… get married.

(Ali's Dad drinks the whole cup of tea in one go)

Ali: Whoah! Pops you're a hardcore drinker.

Ali's Dad: So... is it him??!!

Ali: What...?!

(Jamal repeats Astagfirullah 20 times)

Ali's Dad: So you are batting for the wrong side! You Elton John fan? You like Ricky Martin!

Jamal: Uncle... what Brother Ali is trying to say...

Ali's Dad: I've heard too much from you already you bandit boy...

Jamal: No uncle, Ali wants to get married to a GIRL!

Ali's Dad: Girl? Ooooh!! You mean a proper girl who has cooking and cleaning responsibilities in the house?

Ali: Yeah Pops, a girl... I can’t believe you thought...

Ali's Dad: GREAT! I will ring your Uncle Tariq back home. We can get a good deal on tickets but we might need to stay a night in Afghanistan. Nice spot in Tora Bora. But we musn't tell your Mum or anyone about it or they will stop the visa getting in!

Ali: NO! No, no, nooooooo!! I ain't getting on no plane! I ain't getting' hitched to no cuzzy back home!

Ali's Dad: You stupid boy! You not thinking! We will be happy... your uncle Tariq will start speaking to me again after 27 years. Your Aunty Shenaz will return your Mums earrings. We can finally get our half of the land behind the donkey shed and keys to the tractor.

Ali: Pop... you’re chattin' bare crap! You're headin' for a cruizin of a bruisin'!

Ali's Dad: Who do you think you are talking to!!?? You disrespectful idiot! You...

Ali: What about me... Myself and I??!!!! Huh? Huh? It's my bloody life!! I can wreck it if I want to. You’re just thinking of yourself and your crappy Wu Tang Clan back home! You don't give a crap about me!!!!!

Jamal: Uncle, what Ali is trying to say is that he wants to simply settle down and find a companion who is compatible with him…

Ali's Dad: GET OUT!!!! You shaytaan!!! Compatibility!!!! I'll show you compatibility! Ali, pass me my hockey stick! My stick is compatible with your backside! You put stupid ideas into Ali's head!

Ali: Pops! Sit back and relax! Let Jamal melt some wax.

Ali's Dad: What?!

Ali: I mean let Jamal explain.

Ali's Dad: What's up with your tongue? Shut up... silly boy!

Jamal: Uncle... Ali has made huge changes from his old ways with the help of Allah (swt). If he can settle down then he will not go back to messin' around. Don't you want that?

Ali's Dad: Son. Sit here. You have shining family. You have beautiful clothes. Even your beard is nice and combed with Alma Oil. But when it comes to my son he has to look after his family back home who have waited 27 years...

Jamal: So Uncle, do you want your son to stay on the right path?

Ali's Dad: Of course! My lovely little boy! I remember doing 32-hour shifts in mill for my son...

Jamal: Well, if you want Ali to stay on the right path then you need to do your part by listening to what your son wants. And not force him into a marriage he does NOT want!

Ali's Dad: FORCE!! FORCE!!! Who is forcing anyone? Ali knows his Dad only wants the best for the family. Our own land in Pakistan... your aunties talking on a phone card at Eid. That’s what you want isn't it Ali?

Ali: NO DAD, YOU AIN'T LISTENING!!!!

Ali's Dad: Ali I know how you feel. I said the same things to my Dad who said the same things to your Grandad. But you know what they did? They just got us married quickly to our cousin. That’s the proper way. You know the family tradition.

Ali: Family tradition my backside! My Grandpa Aky is pushin up daisies! Pops I can smell pure bull...

Jamal: Ali, I can understand your frustration bro but you can't be disrespectful in how you talk to your Dad. This is not the Islamic way. Allah (swt) says in the Quran that: 'You be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour. And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy, and say: "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small." [Qur’an 17: 23-24]

Ali: No worries Jam... soz.

Jamal: Uncle, this is not about the cultural aspect. Nothing wrong with culture if it’s according to Islam. But what you are doing is wrong.

Ali's Dad: WRONG!?!

Jamal: You have to understand that forced marriages are not just wrong but Haram in Islam. What you are trying to do is to get Ali marry his cousin who he has no interest in. The Prophet (pbuh) said: “No previously-married woman (widow or divorcee) may be married until she has been asked about her wishes (i.e. she should state clearly her wishes), and no virgin should be married until her permission has been asked (i.e. until she has agreed either in words or by remaining silent).” They asked, “O Messenger of Allah, how is her permission given (because she will feel very shy)?” He said: “By her silence.” [Bukhari]

Ali's Dad: OK Big Maulana! You talking about Islam. You seen size of your beard first! You know who I am? I built the Wudhu area in the mosque! I have had keys to the mosque for last 10 years! You don’t know nothing!

Jamal: I’ve only quoted Quran and Hadith to you, Uncle...

Ali's Dad: So what about when Islam says obey your parent’s request? And that Allah is happy if your parents are happy and Allah is unhappy if your parents are unhappy with you! Pick the bone out of that one! Ali, pass the Mufti a plate!

Jamal: Yes, of course you should obey your parents and have utmost respect for them but only if it is an act according to Islam not a Haram act. The Prophet said: “There is no obedience to the created if it means disobedience to the Creator.” (Musnad Ahmad)

Ali's Dad: Ali, look at your cousin Khalida who has 6 children, a nice house, a Toyota Yaris 1.4 Diesel with leather seats. She's not complaining! She can cook Chicken Biryani, make the best frothy milky tea and her house is spotless. You never see her outside even on a sunny day. Why? Because she is happy married for over 20 years and obeying her family not just here but back in the village. She did not say 'Compatibility', she said: 'Oh what a lovely surprise just after Fajr prayers'. You see she trusted her parents. Girls here today think they are our parents!!!

Jamal: Uncle, times are progressing. How you got married will be different to how Ali will get married and even how Ali's kids Inshallah will get married.

Ali's Dad: You just a kid. You don't know nothing.

Jamal: The important thing is Ali wants a good practising Muslim girl. He doesn't really care how good she can cook and clean. He wants a girl he finds attractive, he can relate to and who is Islamic. That is what will make him happy and keep him on the right track.

Ali's Dad: I never saw Ali's mother until after our Nikah! We married 32 years now. You kids don’t know anything! We just listened to our parents because we know they know best but you kids today... don't bloody listen to anybody!

Jamal: Seeing your wife before you marry her is actually Sunnah. Marrying someone you are attracted to is very important: “Al-Mughira ibn Shu'bah said, I asked for a woman in marriage and Allah's Messenger (peace be on him) asked me whether I had looked at her. When I replied that I had not, he said: 'Then look at her, for it may produce love between you.' I went to her parents and informed them of the Prophet's advice. They seemed to disapprove of the idea. Their daughter heard the conversation from her room and said: 'If the Prophet (peace be on him) has told you to look at me, then look.' I looked at her, and subsequently I married her. (Reported by Ahmad, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah, Ibn Hibban, and Darimi.)

Ali's Dad: Who is going to marry him? Just look at him. Only we can help him. He has no job, no responsibilities, no idea in life. All he wants is to have his jeans half way down so you can see his backside and to wear the pumps that his uncle paid for!!!

Ali: Cheers pops! Yep, I’ve got no job, crib or wheelz, but find me a wife and I can at least start to get all of those things and become a better Muslim, innit!

Jamal: Your son is changing and starting to become a practising Muslim, Alhamdulillah. We just want your blessing so we can start to look for a wife for him.

Ali's Dad: Find him a wife!? HAHAHAHAHA!!! I will see you come back for my tickets to Tora Bora! You will be begging me to help. Never forget Ali: Dad is Dad. He is Dad and ALWAYS right. Right Ali?

Jamal: Okay Uncle, we will see you in 6 months. Thanks for listening and I hope we have not said anything disrespectful.

ALI'S SEARCH FOR HIS MISSUS HAS BEGUN...