Ms Curtis, my GCSE English Teacher, told me I should always check my work before submitting it. And since this is the first bit of work I’m doing since then, I thought I’ll act on her advice. When I did, by reading the title, I thought “well Duh..!! – clearly it is. But then I referred to scrap notes to remind myself why I started writing this article and remembered – doing the right thing is actually not always the right thing to do.
For example, if you’re driving along and see someone at the zebra crossing, you should stop as it’s the right thing to do? But what if you have a child in your car who you need to get to the hospital? Then the right thing to IS to stop, but also not to stop? Which one is righter? (if that’s even a word – but you know what I mean)
Ok – maybe that’s not a good example. Maybe I shouldn’t beat about the bush and get straight to the issue that prompted this.
I have a close family member who it’s absolutely important not to upset (as far as the Pakistani Muslim way of thinking goes).
Armed with this knowledge, he really does take advantage of the situation and really does rule in a way that leaves you wishing you had a “normal” dictator ruling over you. And the only reason for this is because he knows he, as the head of the household is not allowed to be corrected by those beneath him.
Some of the other family member, while this individual is not present, agree with me that he is not doing what’s fair, right and just. But in front of him they all start acting like frightened mice and scrambling for the safely of the mouse hole in the wall and I’m left to face him alone.
If they got on board and helped me to help him see that what he’s doing is wrong, the would really be a better place for it. Buy they think they are doing “what’s right” namely respecting that individual and not saying as much as “uff” to him and so on. Some have even gone as far as to say that I’m out of line for correcting him.
When you can’t get thought to someone what do you do? Because staying in that toxic environment may, as it had done time and again in the past, rub off onto me. I really don’t want that. I want us to be one big happy family, but HE wants to ‘rule with an iron fist’ – ‘what I say goes and cos I’m me and you’re you, you don’t have a right to correct me’ (a bit like Om Puri in East is East)
What to do, what to do.....?????
Comments
What's the wakest of imaan? Moving away? As that's what I've eventually done. But it wasn't until I tried everything else.
And yes - thanks for getting the bro thing right
Hmmm.. maybe i don't fall into this situation in my family. Everyone already understands what needs to be said in the sense that we don't mix culture with religion because my family isn't cultural in the first place!
To me, there's a big difference betwen having respect for someone who's older and more knowledgable than you compared to having to listen to everything that the head of the household says, without saying what's really going on in your mind.
Had i been in the situation, I would convince my parents to do the talking for me, that is, if your parents understand what your trying to say and tell you not to be soo rude!
If your left with nothing else besides pondering over it yourself, I suggest you 'humbly' ask him for a chat and make sure no-one comes in between the conversation to interrupt you. Say it in a nice manner, which suits him best and don't act like you know it all. Don't intimidate him or try saying that 'everything' he does is completely wrong, because, trust me, he probably won't let you say a word and you might just get a slap on the face (and I'm sure you don't want that!)
Or, you could just write a personal letter to him, telling him how you feel including all the emotion and what you think could be done to make things better. He might think about what you've said and you never know, he could actually listen to you! Give it a try!
It's hard with to deal with adults in such situations, not only do we have to remain respectful but it is incredibly hard for our voices to be heard because they are so set in their ways. And at other times *we* may be the ones that are wrong but are too blind to see this.
The prophet
showed us the way to guide anyone was to do it indirectly and to not make people feel bad when doing this.
I remember a story in which the Prophet
grandsons (ra) were kids and they saw an man doing wudhu, but he wasn't doing it properly. So the gradsons of the Prophet 
did wudhu in front of him and made him realise the mistake he was making, insteading telling him off or whatever. (I think the story involves doing wudhu, but I'm pretty sure the moral is the same - they did SHOW the person)
When it comes to parents we're supposed to remain respectful, this is not just a Pakistani cultural thing. We have to advise and hope they listen but I've heard you can't actually tell them what to do? As they are our parents and we are supposed to be told what to do by them not the other way round. But obviously we are not to obey them if what they us to do is unIslamic. AFAIK
Remember to make dua for the person to be guided and for you to be able to deal and help the person properly, too.
I need to work on my advising skills.
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
I did seek advice from three seperate Imams and two of them, after spending a couple of hours each with me, said I should distance myself, as clearly being in each others faces wan't doing anyone any good. The third one said your dad owns you and he owns everything you own until the day he dies.
I know it's a bit cherry picky of me, but I never went back to that guy again. Think he was on commission from my dad or something....
LMAOOOO! Thats all i can say!
Yeah - I thought that too.
But I do often question if I could / should have done anything differently.
If anyone comes across a time machine, please let me know.
Like I said before (and people never believe me) I'm 16 at heart.
*Hi 5* We're the same age
Although I'm 16 at heart I must admit I do struggle with some of these terms you youngsters keep using
LOL, you'll pick it up, soon, or feel free to ask me
?
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
The Prophet (pbuh) said that when you see someone oppressing and being oppressed, help them both. Help the oppressor by stopping him oppressing.
So yes normally you should speak out (respectfully) and use your wisdom. Keeping it all locked up can have a more dangerous impact, like suddenly flying into rage or taking your frustration out on others.
But the thing is, you need to be prepared to use your wisdom and ask Allah (swt) for guidance, Inshallah you'll know the best thing to do.
“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”
Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi
I wasn't saying 'disrespectful' things like "your face looks like a pig" or anything like that.
Only factually 'disrepectful' comments like "you're a thief" etc
On reflection maybe I could have been a little more tactful, but it seemed like the right thing to say at the time (probably because Lucifer was sat there helping me along)