have you ever thought that the scariest thing is yourself? have you ever been scared of yourself?
i get scared of myself sometimes, when i know something is bad for me but i still want to do it and i have to keep myself busy and tell myself why i shouldnt do it over and over again.
its like a battle of wills. inside of you. a tug-of-war. inside of you.
freaky.
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Yep, all the time.
I dont really know my own strength tbh. So i have to constantly be careful when doing anything. Making sure i dont break anything or hurt anyone. yes im that bad.
I also know that words have power too. So i tend to be careful with my words too, so i dont upset anyone or cause offence.
Ofcourse i do this because past experience; ive used both to devastating affect (when ive unintentionally lost my temper... which is why i constantly make an effort to stay calm).
There have been times when ive thought the unthinkable and even planned it out in my head and how i would never get caught. It gets kinda scary... but thankfully i have a strong moral compass that helps keep me on the straight and norrow (even if it means constant restraint).
Back in BLACK
i dont have the physical restraint battle. but defo the one about talking and hurting others.
but my greatest battle is against myself. when i said "doing something im notsupposed to" its usually not something that has a direct effect on other people. its more something that only impacts me.
you know how people have a problem with food and cant stop eating etc.. i have that, but with tv. just thinking abt it makes me feel scared. as soon as i start watching, i cnt stop, its like drowning or soemthing, i just keep on going and lose track of time and responsibilities and just my general grasp on reality.
freaky.
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
An addiction perhaps?
I used to do that with online gaming... up at all hours.
Back in BLACK
most probably. naming it doesnt help though. except if i campare it to other addictions and how THEY are solved and apply it to mine. which basically means. stay away from it in all its way, shape and forms. hmm..thats hard.
at the end of the day its a battle against yourself, and thats the hard bit. when it comes a time where its just you and your demons and no one to talk to or anything.
i feel like saying freaky again..
anyway, i was going to say, i find comfort by remembering and knowing that there's someone out there who knows what im going through AS im going through it and is cheering me on and loving me for keeping control and keepin up the fight. someone i can lean against when it gets exhausting and from Whom i can get a "power up" and keep going.
the image that just cameinto my mind right now is of a parent cheering a kid on thats taking its first steps.
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
I feel self-destructive in many ways. My own worst nightmare.
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
self-destructive..thats a pretty scary word... the scariest bit is coming out of a self-destructive moment, cz to me (not sure about you, is it the same for you) during a "self destructive" moment, i dnt feel like im destroying myself. im just indulging. its AFTERWARDS.
and also JUST BEFORE. when you feel like you'er walking at the edge of a cliff.
i guess at the end of that whole experience, when yu come out stronger and better. thats experience could be classified as self-exploring or improveing or building. we have to make those scary momemnts worth SOMETHING
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
Nope, I don't ever think I've thought about being scared of myself, but I know what you mean by it after you defined it obviously.
Just keep tugging and listen to the whispers of the good side of you. Pull at the rope with the help of Allah until you have blisters aka experiencing temporary troubles. Your sacrifices and continuous effort shall eventually enable you to reach your long term goals and win this battle inshaAllah.
im on the laptop and im soooooooo scared. because laptop = easily accessible to fall back into watching tv. but i needed to get on laptop to do work. and right now im here. and i need to breathe
you know theres this software to block websites, to help stop procastinating im guesing. for some reason i cnt bring myself to use it. it just feels like a bail out, an easy way out, like i'd have "lost" if i use it.
plus, if i really do fall off the "edge of the cliff" what's to stop me from unlocking the websites?
or maybe i should use the software?
Bilan texted me saying "use it and stop torturing yourself!"
should i...should i not..should i...should i not....
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
True
re: the software to block websites - just use your own will.You can do it!
"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi
jazakAllahkhair! *grin*
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
If you wanted to block certain websites then you can try it out, but I think it's about having some control over what you do. We should be able to have all these websites at our use, but decide how often we're going to use them. Having them infront of us but trying to stay away. May i ask what sort of things you watch anyway?
Control, you must learn control. Its the one thing that separate us from the animals.
Back in BLACK
where do i learn that. and how. i need it. im so compulsive. i often watch something JSUT to finish it.
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?
We can attempt to teach you but that won't help at all. It should come from within. From within you. You need your intentions to shine through. You can do this, I know you can.
There's this app on chrome called 'No procrastination' which blocks websites you get distracted by. It's pretty cool.
Procrastination is a very useful tool.
It often helps in planning, and you will often procrastinate when you dont have a step by step plan.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
so you're saying that because i m procastinating, i will make a step by step plan to STOP procastinating?
hmm..no..just wanna lie down, preferably on grass or osmething earthy and RIP.
Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?