Salaam
This is something that I’m not very good at…
Islam stresses the importance of being good hosts.
When people come to my house and I offer then food and they say No…I’ll ask again and if they still say No I’ll leave it.
That’s only cos I know how annoying it is to be forced to eat when you don’t want to eat….But my mum will not let go of a guest until she has forced them to eat (gun on head style)…she’ll empty out her cupboards for guests.
I don’t feel comfortable doing that.
I’m totally fine with entertaining kids/teenagers. But I’m so crap with aunties….I can’t talk to them (partly cos of my terrible Urdu) and also cos I don’t really like the topics they raise. But regardless of what they speak about…I KNOW that being hospitable is obligatory on me.
I know that I should smile and offer aunties samose (even if they’re chatting about so and so’s daughter from number 25)
And whilst we are obliged to be good hosts, guests also should be perfect guests…the type that don’t over stay and don’t inconvenience the family with their silly demands…
How do you entertain YOUR guests (I could do with some tips).
My British upbringing and Pakistani culture makes it very difficult for me to decide what is the right or wrong way to treat guests.
Isn’t it rude to watch TV, read or text people when guests are present?
What do you do when guests start slandering and backbiting people who you are close to? Can you nicely tell them to shut up?
And what do you do when you’re entertaining one set of guests and ANOTHER set of guests turn up?
Is there segregation in your household?
And what according to Islam are the do’s and don’t of being the perfect guest?
Isn’t it rude to come to someone’s house without phoning in advance?
What about when they leave? Pakistani culture is to make people stay when they announce that they have to go...But isnt it wrong to force people to stay-what if they really have to be somewhere?
Share your thoughts…
Wasalaam
muslim sister never ask if they want tea just present it to them with whatever you have in the house ie nibbles biscuits thats what i do i've also been known to disappear for 20 minutes making pakoras whether they want them or not
like your mum i feel its my duty to do the best i can but i dont force anyone to eat i just present them with the stuff and say once this is for you please eat
i also blank out when they start gossiping i used to argue but now i just stay quiet
like Juddah says with a lot of nodding and smiling you can get away with not talking much i let my mum do the talking
let them go when they want to and always invite them back
we have segregation in our house
i prefer that guests let me know before they arrive with a whole clan in tow it's common curtesy afterall. Also if a sister wears hijab or niqab then she might need a few mins to put one on?
But obviously if guests turned up without notice i'd still play the polite host, i've never say a bad word. These things happens sometimes, not happened to me yet not in my own home.
In my mothers house it happened a lot and even though it did annoy me i kept a lid on it, and tried to appear happy. But i duno what it's like with you guys. My ppl will come by the dozen, and you may have not seen them in years. They won't tell you they're coming. And if they sit up to lunch time, then you need to start cooking fast. Considering there's 9 of us in my family, then we have guests who are at least 6 in total we have to cook a few more pots of curries and rice to accomodate. Now that takes time, and patience, and can be a burden on anyone. So my mother would be stressed take it out on me. i'd have a go at her, not a nice atmosphere. Then we'd both smile and say dinners ready come sit down to eat. Guests would say ah we put you to so much trouble. Mother would say no nota all don't be silly. i'd be thinking damn right you did you best make sure you eat loads! lool
This still happens at my mums and i don't appreciate it coz she's not herself these days, her health isn't as good as it used to be. Our ppl can be so inconsiderate and they outstay their welcome. Something you shouldn't do as a muslim, lack of manners big time.
In my house guests will always get a hot or cold drink and a side dish of some sort. Even if they say no it'll be there. My mother taught me well. She said if they say no it means yes if they say yes it means yes, either way give them something lol
I don't really get many guests here apart from my own family, and husbands family. When they do come it's usually for a big dinner invite. I prefer a big dinner to tea and biscuits, specially with my own siblings. My house can be very quiet, gets lonely sometimes so it's a nice treat. Stressful doing a big cook but well worth it.
It's always nice to have friends over, it never feels like a burden with them. Maybe because you don't have to put up a front, you can be yourself. You don't have to dress up. And you make them food because you want to, and you enjoy their company. When friends come it's a bonus coz you don't have to cook just typical asian dishes you can cook up any sort of cuisine you like, and have a dessert. My parents generation ain't big on deserts apart from indian ones. I just love English cream cakes, gateauxs, bannofe pie, etc etc.
Obviously my own home so i make sure it's segregated as well as possible, even though it's small. And i implement segregation at my mothers like a tyrant hee hee!
I wouldn't sit with male guests, and my husband wouldn't expect me to. I've been lucky in that way no strange men been down my house apart from hubbys bro in law the rest are my mahram
Yep i think it's rude to watch tv, talk excessively when you answer the phone with guests right behind you. You should say hello take the message and say i have guests right now speak to you later.
Got no tv here, but at my mothers we always off it when guests arrive.
Haven't had to deal with gossip in my own home yet. But if someone bad mouthed someone else i'd say well i only know good of them, and then swiftly change the topic. Or say Allah knows best that usually shuts them up.
IMO segregation is a bit OTT. There really is no need for it. It’s kinda annoying when you have loads of ppl in your house, I prefer one or two guests. Yesterday we had loads of Bangladeshis in our house and every so often they would stop and speak in Bengali. I found that so rude coz I am sure they were talking about me :evil:. I hate it when ppl tlk wid there mouth full, I can’t bloody understand them! I hate being forced fed at ppls’s houses. And I am sick of being served cheap coke. There’s nothing worse then sitting with someone when there’s nothing to talk about. I hate ppl that outstay their welcome. The best way to get rid of them is to “act busy” like often walk in and out of the room or run even run around like a headless chicken. When they talk to you give them short, sharp anwers. They soon get the message.
What you put in the hearts of others; is what goes back into your own heart…
nah our ppl don't leave and sometimes they invite themselves to stay over for the night. So we have to make up our beds. we sleep on the floor. That usually always meant i was on the floor downstairs coz i have one of the best rooms in my mums house. Only coz my brothers are messy!!
Well if Bengali is foreign to you, then yep i agree tis very rude.
Don;t start with table manners i would have a list of things i hate ppl doing.
Burping out loud, picking out bones from their mouth when eating fish, erm separate the bones before you put it in ur mouth dope!.
Slurping the last bit of curry or daal off the plate. Yes we should all clean out plates, but please don't slurp in front of me :x
talking with mouth fulls, so bits spit out, ew that's gross!
using hand which has food on it to dish out more food. Yeah thanx a lot leave all the grime on the spoons gets on someone else eugh.
hate it when ppl munch loud, guys do this a lot, demonstrating their manliness of summin i duno? so annoying. i'm sure my brothers munch on salads and crisps loader than usual to annoy me
lots more... :x
What about guest who bring their children with them and let them run amuck and don't tell them off.
AND they bring them with them every time they visit and their behaviour gets worse and worse each time.
kids who play around don't bother me. I'm used to cleaning up after them, kids just wana have some fun lighten up a little!
Don't like kids who constantly cry, coz they wana be in their mothers lap and no on elses. Or they go around pullin on their mothers sari or salwar kameez won't even let her walk coz they wana be on her lap 24/7 spoilt kids they are get on my nerves :roll: They have a light fall they cry. You just look at um they cry. Don't get the flavour crisp they want they cry. Is social services listening them kids need a good slap would do no harm lool
i can't stand kids who muck around and thier parents don't tell them off! :x i feel like smacking them :x :x :x
I hate being served camels eyes, :x it is indescribably rude if you don't accept it :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: :!: - its an Arab thing :roll: ....
I don't like being served camels hump, it is incredibly fattening...
I don't like being served duck from chinese sisters.
i don't like being served curry, i prefer curry not too hot and not too mild, it has to be PERFECT, and almost always its either not mild enuff or not hot enuff, my mum says i just nit pick...
i luv being served chocolate gatuaex, but i h8 it when they only give u a tiny slice, i prefer to be given a large slice.
to be honest i don't really like being served meat, u don't know where it came from or if they had a hygene problem :x
What you put in the hearts of others; is what goes back into your own heart…
mummy and daddy guests should clean up after their own kids!
Lol its considered incredibly rude if we don’t burp.
I personally cannot burp intentionally no matter how hard I try; it gets me into a lot of trouble and ppl just think that I am plain rude but i really can't do it :!: .
If you come to our house my mum would have a right face on if you never burped after the meal. Lol why not come over?
What you put in the hearts of others; is what goes back into your own heart…
Great advice Seems. And it doesnt take that long to make pakore anyway.
And that was a good dialogue Judda...the only problem is I can't express myself in Urdu...
And Irfan naughty kids are a nightmare to deal with…esp spoilt ones.
And it’s SO annoying when their parents don’t control them.
A typical dialogue..
Guest Mum “Look lil Ali is running to the DVD player with his coke”
Guest Dad “Yes, he is. Go stop him”
Guest Mum “No. You stop him, that boy doesn’t listen to me”.
Guest Dad “No. YOU stop him”.
Lil Ali has by then chucked his coke all over the DVD player.
Guest Mum “That boy is so naughty”.
Guest Dad “Yes, he is we can’t take him anywhere”.
Some parents don't even care if their Dennis the Menance kids turn people's homes upside down!?
My parents throw really big firm parties at home at various times of the year. I actually sorta enjoy those because despite my parents, they have really nice friends and dads associates are pretty cool.
The secret to being a good host is charm - that's pretty much it. If you are outspoken, confidence, always smiling, enjoying yourself and your guests people will naturally "disarm" and enjoy themselves too.
No amount of stuffed mushrooms, port, music bands, fireworks, or smalltalk can make up for charm.
And you have to be guest-centered with your charm too, not just an endless "fabulous me" celebration, but genuinely interested in what your guests are up to - making the rounds and that sort of thing, so watching TV is okay if your guests are doing it, politely stopping a guest to say hello to another guest is appropriate and all that stuff, just so long as nobody feels "out of it."
I can do all that. But I feel fake and hypocritical...usually because I'm being really sweet to people who arent very nice people.
lol but [i]if[/i] you invited them you are communicating you desired their presence, which is hypocritical to begin with because obviously you did not.
Or they are relatives/anyone really that just blurged in because they feel like ingratiating themselves upon you. If that's the case it's most unfortunate, but sometimes you have to be charming and nice to people even though you don't like them very much since it's just sinking to their level to respond in kind.
dave's s n o b b y lifestyle you gotta love this guy lol. Fast cars, famous friends and now high society firm parties :x . Do you have proper wholesome food or just canopes. A ration of meat on a cracker? Some skewers of meat and veg. Is it all mouse food like how they show in the movies, or proper filling food aswell? And must all the men arrive in black ties, and ladies in formal dresses?
being charming and nice is such a strain to people you may really dislike. these may be people you have to see a lot and just maintaining eye contact sickens you but to keep the family together you have to see them.
i know what Muslim Sister means its so hard maintaining even basic good manners let alone be charming!
lol okay okay - how about this one.
Be civil.
And charming to everyone else!
You can't pick your family - believe me, i've looked into this. So you are forced to get along as best you can, with the mutual understanding that the both of you probably won't get along famously. Thus there is less burden on you as a host. Certainly God understands that.
i agree with Dave he's such a well behaved young man, his parents have done a great job
Okay am I picking up a definite transition from "ha ha ha sn0bby dave" to " :evil: stop talking s.nobby dave!"
If that's the case I honestly don't know where i'm being "sn0bby", probably because i'm blinded by my first person perspective.
So if I am [i]genuinely[/i] irritating people, let me know where, how, and why and i'll work on stopping.
It seems like the big things annoying people are: 1. The way I talk, 2. My constant prediliction with my homelife and 3. My Arrogance.
1. I can work on changing, 2. honestly i'm just homesick, and that's the form it's taking, and 3. I'm well aware of and working on incrimentally - i'm no superhero.
The language thing is gonna be a problem though... grew up in a lawyer's house and have been in school for as long as I can remember, so I realize I probably have a more academic presentation and don't exactly capture Joe-Average.
My parents have been absentee landlords since I was 3, when I actually [i]saw[/i] my mother she was usually drunk and ranting about me being in the way.
My dad simply ignored us both.
And most of my life I have been far from well behaved.
If i'm well behaved now it's got little to do with them.
sorry to hear that Dave. Well you turned out well anyways, thanx to God if no one else.
Noo you're not irritating me, i'll try not to call you s n o b, just do it to annoy you.
hate it when guests arrive unexpectedly, know they do it as a surprise, but its more of a horror when the house is a mess and you havent cooked.
worst is on weekends, my sisters live away and come home on weekends.
the guests wd turn up when we were trying to spend quality time together, which is a pain, and cuz they travelled far they wanted to stay over.
if kids misbehave, mum wont say anything, but dad will tell them off nicely. thats cuz the kid will be spoilt and being disrespectful and swearing.
when dad tells them off the kids mum and dad will do a nervous giggle, 'of silly kid, dont know where he gets that from.'
yeh i wonder.
the worst is when it is late, you want to go to bed. the parent of kid says come on lets go, the kid says no, i will come later (7-8 yrs old by the way) or he will be watching tv or playing on comp and screaming he will come when finished.
so everyone reluctantly waits when all you want to do is throw them out.
im not very patient.
no but you're prolific
Don you're doing great and you're not posh at all and your language is just right no need to change one jot dear boy!
what you're parents didnt teach you life will
whats that poem that begins with worshipping parents as children then we grow up and ends with seldom do we forgive them - its a famous one
is that a good or a bad thing??
prolific - i was just being silly i couldnt resist it means abundantly productive in this case writing much - can be a good thing
ohhhhhhhh
when relatives start dissing i either change subject, stay quiet or walk out of the room.
q- is it better to be rude than backbite?
i used to think its better to be rude now i know both are sordid like you said just walk away or change subject
i didnt mean i reply back and be rude, i meant walking away can sometimes be seen as rude.
but at least it means yr not joining in
you know one can take humility too far i think its safe to say that walking away is not rude in this case its a necessary evil
ok at least i wont feel so bad next time
I HATE it when guests turn up unexpected
its SO rude :evil:
sometimes the room needs a hoover and I need to change into clothes that meddling aunties wont have an issue with :roll:
its bad manners to turn up unexpected
its a Paki thing too
its also WRONG to let ur kids run wild-
I dont ever bother being sweet to people I dont like-if I dont like someone I make sure they know
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