Issue 14: Ali & Jamal

Author: 
Sajid Iqbal & Irfan Jalil

Jamal bumps in to Ali at the local Job Centre...

Jamal: Salaam Ali, you lookin depressed what's up bro?

Ali: What's Up?! The bills and rent that’s what’s up!

Jamal: What do you mean?

Ali: Jam I got bills to pay, rent to pay, food to buy and that's the easy bit... me aint got no Benjamins to buy any gear!

Jamal: Gear? But you don't even have a car?

Ali: Nah, nah man. I mean GEAR... you know what I mean Jam!

Jamal: Oh Gear! Astagfirullah! I thought you stopped all that and what's with your priorities, you are putting drugs before food.

Ali: Well after a smoke come the munchies... that the order it happens bro!

Jamal: What brings you to the job centre any way? I thought your JSA was stopped after you were caught selling those duty free cigarettes behind your uncle's newsagent.

Ali: Nah man. They couldn't prove nothing, could they? They had photos of me selling cigs to my main man Iffy. But I had my hoody on so that could'a been anyone in them photos innit.

Jamal: What there are more 3ft hooded midgets selling cigs?

Ali: I ain't no midget bro!!! I'm still growing alreeet.

Jamal: Ok big man, So they didn't have any witnesses?

Ali: Nah Bro. It was only me and Iffy. Iffy and me been tight since primary school. We used to sit on the see-saw together. Ain't no way he gonna grass me up.

Jamal: Well, I hope that's it with the dodgy money-making schemes.

Ali: Jam I'm gonna get some stocks and shares innit. My man Fat Zaf's earning millions playing the stock market. He was telling me about it in Wasim's dad's chippy. I'm gonna have him as my financial advisor.

Jamal: How much is he going to charge you for this?

Ali: Only £100.

Jamal: £100!?!

Ali: Well, £100 every month. For a 36 month contract. But it'll be worth it in the end. Think of all the dollars I'll be on. And he said I can work from home – just a couple of hours on me computer every morning and I'll be sorted for life.

Jamal: Ali bro, please. You don't even know how to use a microwave. You haven't used a computer since school and even then you only switched the monitor on thinking it was a TV. And the last time you sent an email it was to give your bank account details to someone who said they were a Nigerian Prince selling diamonds. Yet here you are about to get conned again.

Ali: But I'm gonna get me a financial expert innit.

Jamal: The guy offering you "expert" advice on buying and selling shares is a con-artist. If he was such an expert why isn't he out there making money for himself instead of talking to you?

Ali: Mmmm... well he said he lives in New York but he gave me number for a landline in Oldham. Come to think of it, he was that same guy who used to sell those hooky watches outside the cash point on the High Street. And to think I almost gave that geezer money that I could have spent on rims.

Jamal: You should try to stay out of trouble and avoid people like that.

Ali: Yes dad! You sound like me old man!!! Hahahahahhahah!

Jamal: I should batter you with my size 10's then like your dad does!

Ali: Whateva! Anyway, I gots to get my pay check innit. Got to put a deposit down for some rims, pay my phone bill and get some new trainers for tonight's session. Yeah, and one my gals wants me to take her out. Nah, I'll probably just take her to the park.

Jamal: All that with less than £50?

Ali: Oh yeah. I can't do all of it. I need to prioritise. I need to think about the here and now, right? I'll pay my bills and fines next week and get the rims and trainers now.

Jamal: You're not understanding me. If you don't pay your bills and fines now they'll just pile up. Soon you'll end up paying more than several times what you owe now.You need to avoid getting into debt.

Ali: Is someone wanting to be my new financial advisor? Did that £100 a month get you excited? You're not one of these dodgy Mullahs who have about six jobs on the side are ya!?

Jamal: No, Ali I'm being serious. Anyway, are you still looking for work?

Ali: Yeah, man. I got to. Ain't like you man. Doin' a degree and then this place mat at the dole office. I got to graft and get whatever work I can get.

Jamal: It's placement, not place mat. I'm doing a placement year at the job centre then I'll go back to uni to finish my course.

Ali: It's hard for people like me man. It costs a lot of money to keep it real. I got gals to take care of left, right and centre. I got to be fair to all of 'em innit. It's like you told me once, if I buy something for one of my honeys I got to buy the same thing for the other three as well.

Jamal: No, Ali. That's not what I said at all. I was talking about marriage. How if you have more than one wife you have to be equal to all of them.

Ali: Oh, seen. Seen. You mean Islam don't require me to be fair to my honeys? That's a relief man. Cos one of them is really annoying me man. She wants an iPhone. But if I bought one for each of my gals I'll have no money left for rims.

Jamal: Ali, if you have more than one wife then Islam requires you to be fair to all of them. Girlfriends don't count. You shouldn't be dating anyway. Besides, I thought you wanted to get married now?

Ali: Yeah man. My dad reckons that if I sort myself out I could get married. But I don't know how I could give up the rims man. They is sick, I'm tellin' ya.

Jamal: I think your dad wants you to get a decent job, put some money away, stop getting into trouble and get serious about family life. If you want to get a car and rims you could do that later. But that shouldn't be at the top of your list. You have more important things to think about.

Ali: Yeah, man. You're right. It's important I get some gear, stop me thinking about them bills. Immy bought a new ride that day man. If he gets the rims before me I won't be able to show my face round town. And the trainers I got to get right now. Only two hours before Wasim picks me up and we hit the first club.

Jamal: You need to be spending wisely. You don't have much money as it is and here you are wasting it and getting yourself further into debt. Think about the people who have much less money than you. With your £50 a week dole cheque you're wealthy compared to them. The wealth Allah (swt) gives us is a test to see whether we appreciate what he gives us or whether we are ungrateful.

Ali: I'll appreciate it if I could get me them rims I seen the other day, man. They is well heavy. They'll look phat when I get me a car.

Jamal: Rims! Rims! Rims! Ali! I would love to shove those rims... anyway...

Ali: Don't diss the rims dude... now you're getting personal!

Jamal: Bro on the day of Judgement we will be asked by Allah (swt) how we acquired our wealth and how we spent it. Was it Halal or Haram? Did you earn your money through scams or through legit means? Was it spent wisely? Did you have wealth but not appreciate it? Did you spend in the way of Allah (swt)? Did you give your money to those in desperate need?

Ali: Easy there, man. You mean even if I buy them rims I want, I won't be able to take them with me through the pearly gates? I was thinking of bouncin' through in my Micra with them shiny five spoke deep dish thirteens.

Jamal: None of our material possessions will help us in the next life. We will only take with us our good and bad deeds. Our money will be of no use to us. Only our acts of worship will help to make up for our sins and earn us success in the hereafter.

Ali: So you want me to live like a minger! Life is here to live it! So I wanna live it with ma phat whip, ma gals, ma bling, ma palace... y'nah I'm saying!

Jamal: Ali, we have to appreciate Allah (swt)'s blessings even in times when we think we have been given little. You need to stop thinking about what you haven't got and focus on what you have got. Let me break it down for you: Mo’ love of money equals mo’ problems. So, enough with the money money, girls girls, cash cash. You have to stop looking at what you don't got and be thankful for what you do got.

Ali: Woah! Them is some sick lyrics Jamal. You been listening to Biggie on the sly or something? You'll be giving Dr Dre a run for his money next, man.

Jamal: Look Ali, when you die and you're six feet under what you gonna take with you? You gonna put your shiny thirteens on your coffin? All you will have at that time is two pieces of white cloth... where's all that dough gone then?

Ali: Yeah but I can get me some Armani cloth right?

Jamal: Come on Ali, this ain't no joke!! You’re a young man and Allah (swt) has given you health. Why not get a job and be an asset to the community and country instead of being a scrounging benefit cheat?! When Allah (swt) asks you how you spent your youth what you gonna say?! That instead of doing good you were pulling scams trying to make that quick buck that just ain't quick. The 'get rich quick or die trying' world ain't for you bro, so leave that to the movies and the rappers.

Ali: Damn man, thats some heavy words... Safe Jam, I hear what you’re sayin. I best tell me Julie she can go to the park on her own, me is gonna chat to me careers man and get him to box me a job!

Comments

Salaam Alakuim

i love Ali and Jamal stories. i was waiting for the new story to come out, i am so happy that it came out. i have read it 3 times already! maybe i will read it some more.
its funny and great. it is educational for us Muslims. its funny and educational at the same time which is good.
the revival magazine is suitable for Muslims and Non - Muslims of all ages

'May Allah help you make more magazines , Inshallah' (Ameen)
please mail me and let me know if you got thi when you can, inshallah

take care

Salaam Alakuim

Saima Arshad

Saima Arshad

lol that was hil-lar-ious.
i showed all my friends
cant wait for the next one!!!! Lol

it's not that I'm always right.....
I'm just never wrong

"Ali: Jam I got bills to pay, rent to pay, food to buy and that's the easy bit... me aint got no Benjamins to buy any gear!

Jamal: Gear? But you don't even have a car?"

:roll:

Blum 3

#Before you look at the thorns of the rose , look at it's beauty. Before you complain about the heat of the sun , enjoy it's light. Before you complain about the blackness of the night, think of it's peace and quiet... #

MakeMeRawr_6TeenF wrote:
"Ali: Jam I got bills to pay, rent to pay, food to buy and that's the easy bit... me aint got no Benjamins to buy any gear!

Jamal: Gear? But you don't even have a car?"

:roll:

Lol

I know ! I wonder how Ali and Jamal came to be friends, they're both like from different ends of the world.

 

s.b.f wrote:
MakeMeRawr_6TeenF wrote:
"Ali: Jam I got bills to pay, rent to pay, food to buy and that's the easy bit... me aint got no Benjamins to buy any gear!

Jamal: Gear? But you don't even have a car?"

:roll:

Lol

I know ! I wonder how Ali and Jamal came to be friends, they're both like from different ends of the world.

I'm pretty sure being fictional helped Blum 3 (UNLESS.... Cube? Jack? Nahhhhh )

#Before you look at the thorns of the rose , look at it's beauty. Before you complain about the heat of the sun , enjoy it's light. Before you complain about the blackness of the night, think of it's peace and quiet... #

Which one would I be?

Please say I would not wouldn't be Jamaal?

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You would be Jamaal DUH! Blum 3

Wait... I'M Ali?! How on earth?

Don't just do something! Stand there.

As if you two need to question this... Blum 3

It is so obvious Smile

we are totally separate from ALi and Jamaal.

If I could be one, I would aspire to be like Ali. Not that I could ever pull it off.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

cuz it would be fun, right?

MakeMeRawr_6TeenF wrote:
s.b.f wrote:
MakeMeRawr_6TeenF wrote:
"Ali: Jam I got bills to pay, rent to pay, food to buy and that's the easy bit... me aint got no Benjamins to buy any gear!

Jamal: Gear? But you don't even have a car?"

:roll:

Lol

I know ! I wonder how Ali and Jamal came to be friends, they're both like from different ends of the world.

I'm pretty sure being fictional helped Blum 3 (UNLESS.... Cube? Jack? Nahhhhh )

Lol

hmmm.....

 

You wrote:
we are totally separate from ALi and Jamaal.

If I could be one, I would aspire to be like Ali. Not that I could ever pull it off.

You can't 'aspire' to be Ali...

The whole point of those articles is for Ali to aspire to be like Jamal...

that's why it always ends with him taking his advice... Never seems to work for the bigger picture though, he springs right back to the same mind frame for the next issue Blum 3

Which makes you wonder really.... is he a lost cause? If it really affected him he might think twice about everything he does or might apply that thinking to other aspects of his life...

#Before you look at the thorns of the rose , look at it's beauty. Before you complain about the heat of the sun , enjoy it's light. Before you complain about the blackness of the night, think of it's peace and quiet... #

Ya'qub wrote:
Wait... I'M Ali?! How on earth?

Well the weed gives it away a bit Blum 3

Maybe Ali is Jimbob and not Cubey...

Ya'qub pre-enlightenment xD

#Before you look at the thorns of the rose , look at it's beauty. Before you complain about the heat of the sun , enjoy it's light. Before you complain about the blackness of the night, think of it's peace and quiet... #

MakeMeRawr_6TeenF wrote:

Ya'qub pre-enlightenment xD

Hmmm... perhaps.

In that case, the 'message' of Ali and Jamal is perhaps that you shouldn't give up on giving advice to your friends, whether or not they take it, because one day they might (bearing in mind I'm still a Loser in many ways...)

Don't just do something! Stand there.

Ya'qub wrote:
(bearing in mind I'm still a Loser in many ways...)

Lol

Ya'qub wrote:
MakeMeRawr_6TeenF wrote:

Ya'qub pre-enlightenment xD

Hmmm... perhaps.

In that case, the 'message' of Ali and Jamal is perhaps that you shouldn't give up on giving advice to your friends, whether or not they take it, because one day they might (bearing in mind I'm still a Loser in many ways...)

Yes.

Yes you are.

#Before you look at the thorns of the rose , look at it's beauty. Before you complain about the heat of the sun , enjoy it's light. Before you complain about the blackness of the night, think of it's peace and quiet... #

ok let me just tell sumthing yeah
can you please stop calling money "benjamins" were not in america and pounds have pics of queens on them
and its not seen seen its skeen u get me?

"to allah we belong and to him we return"

basiclly benjamins are dollars not pounds thats what i'm trying to say

"to allah we belong and to him we return"

the Dollars are called benjamins because they have/had a pic of Benjamin Franklyn on them.

The pound coin never did, so it annoys that poster.

But then again, language is fluid and changes can come from where ever, so as long as people get the reference (and the speaker is not being all smarmy), I think its ok.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

yeah it just annoys me when i see brits trying to be americans just like when i see asians trying to be black sometimes, no offence
ps
i really like ali and jamal but i want to see more of alia and jamila

"to allah we belong and to him we return"

Just wondering...How did you come up with the idea of Ali & Jamal? Are they based on two people you actually know?

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

They were based on an interview with Ali G: .

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

acha! cool article Smile

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

I Loveeeeeee Jamal & Ali Articles!!.....esp. the ramadan one from a few years back, that was a classic SmileSmile

I don't think Jamal should be seen as too "holy" if that makes any sense, he should be persuasive and charismatic. Imagine if Jamal came and said that to you will you be convinced?

“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”

Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi

..

"The fragrance of flowers spreads only in the direction of the wind. But the goodness of a person spreads in all directions.." - unknown

lmaooo!! i love Ali and Jamal thats my fav part in the whole mag!! makes me giggle like Crazy! Biggrin