Caught in the middle

I’m lost and confused
Don’t know what to do
Who to obey
Who to follow

My mind is swinging like a pendulum
And playing tricks on me
Sometimes I pray
Sometimes I chase women
Sometimes I do neither
Just hide away in my room and vegetate

At times halal and haram seem so clear
And I have nothing but fear for my creator
Other times the munkar seems appealing
And I mix with women whose clothes are revealing

I got friends
Some religious
Mostly jahil and following the western culture
When I’m in good company
I feel happy and content mentally
When I’m with my non-practicing mates
I act like they do
Like an animal
Satisfying my instincts and desires
With no concern for the hell fire

It feels nice
Escaping life with its many problems
The beat is pumping
Lights are flashing
Smoke fills the air
As I dance with a complete stranger

In the morning
I feel bad
And swear never again
But when they call
To invite me to another party
I jump to their tune
Like a slave
Who needs his fix
Of free-mixing

I pray every day
Without compromise
Make dua for Allah to correct me
But it hasn’t happened yet
So I continue
Swinging back and forth
Practicing
Non-practicing
My only fear is
I hope I don’t die committing sin

InshAllah one day
I will break out of this cycle
Of following the crowd and being a sheep
Plant my feet firmly
On an Islamic foundation
And stop being a feather in the wind

Author: Showkotali@hotmail.com