Top 10 Tips on Befriending a Racist

In recent weeks several anti-Muslim racist groups have reared their heads. Most of them seem to be football hooligans taking a break from beating each other up every other weekend.

In between bouts of organised violence they have "demonstrated", in multiethnic communities, against "Muslim extremists", mosques and, I guess, "Pakis".

Anti-racist groups have held counter-demonstrations and these have been attended by large groups of young Muslim lads. Unsurprisingly, these confrontations have ended violently and with people getting arrested.

However, there is a simpler way to deal with these racist thugs. Aside from taking the bait and locking horns with them on the streets we can try to win over their "hearts and minds".

On the odd occasion that you find a racist willing to engage in what constitutes for them a "conversation" the following tips may come in handy.

1. Smile
You'll be surprised at how powerful a smile is. Your racist acquaintance may be so shocked at seeing a bearded man in a dress smiling that his head might explode.

2. Dumb things down a bit.
Explain things slowly. The average bigot won't understand what you mean by "harmonious coexistence". So, use phrases such as "happy to live together" instead.

3. Throw out a curveball
When they talk about how Muslims have weird customs you should mention Morris dancing, cheese rolling and Cliff Richard.

4. Keep sisters safe
Many racists are of the women-hitting type. If you find yourself confronting a racist demo, make sure that sisters are at a safe distance. But, on the other hand, a Muslim woman in a veil giving a bunch of racists what for may, again, make their heads explode.

5. Don't play with their bald heads
Most racists are sufferers of male pattern baldness. Even if you find yourself close enough to do so, avoid the temptation to use a racist's head as a drum.

6. Offer a starch-based food
Your racist friend may be suffering from a hangover. To help them get the alcohol out of their system offer them mashed potato and baked beans. Once they have sobered up the conversation may move onto things you both enjoy such as football, Britain's Got Talent and Peter Kay.

7. Point out your shared interest in clothes
Show your new-found racist friend your Rockports and tell him that you too own a Burberry cap.

8. Help re-word a chant
Once you have built up a friendly relationship with your racist you can help them chant about it – because apparently they like chanting. So, "You're not laughing anymore" can become "You're not lonely anymore".

9. Give a them hug
Maybe all that your racist friend ever wanted was to feel loved. Offer a hug and all their problems may go away. If you have issues with hugging him just think that it's Eid and he is your brother in Islam. Cos you never know, he may well become your brother in Islam for real!

10. Stay safe
Remember, racists, no matter what their persuasion, can be very dangerous. Be careful that in your quest to befriend a racist you don't find yourself in a pub in Droitwich on St George's Day after a football match.

DISCLAIMER: This list is only half serious, if that, and is meant to be a bit of a laugh. For real practical advice on how to handle racism and offence you can start here:


Lol Bravo!

literally LOL!


This was fantastic!!!!

"don't use their bald heads as a drum"

best line

well done Beast

It took me a while to cotton on that this was done in jest...

I think I'll blame it on ramadan.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.