A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can’t just turn her away, and orders the desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview. To just ‘play along’ and humor her.

Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, “What’s 2+2?” “Ummm… 4!” the blonde says.

Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one “What’s the square root of 100?” “Ummm… 10!” the blonde says.

“Good!” the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. “OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?” “Ummm… I don’t know,” she admits.

“Well, you can go home and think about it,” he says, “and come back later and tell me what you’ve figured out.” He figures that’s the last he’ll see of her.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

“Not only did I get the job,” the blonde says, “but I’ve already been assigned to a murder case!”

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

LOL @ ^^...

I may try that.

:twisted: :twisted:

One for the kids:

Q. Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

A. They're ugly and they smell.

A guy gets very drunk and throws up on his shirt.

"Oh no!" he tells a friend. "My wife will kill me. She can't stand me getting drunk."

His friend advises he stick a £10 in the shirt pocket and claim some other guy threw up on him, apologised and paid to get it cleaned.

"Great idea!"

When he arrives home his wife sees the vomit and starts laying into him but quick as a flash he pulls the note from his pocket and explains, "It's OK, a drunk man threw up on me and he gave me this tenner to get it cleaned!"

"But that's a twenty!" says his wife.

"Oh yeah," says the man, "he also soiled my pants."

What grows in the ground, has leaves and petals and doesn't need sun or water?

this is the jokes topic, not riddles

"Joie de Vivre" wrote:

What grows in the ground, has leaves and petals and doesn't need sun or water?

wind? or the funeral-cloth?

i dunno

Come on, Ya'qub!

"Joie de Vivre" wrote:

What grows in the ground, has leaves and petals and doesn't need sun or water?

A flower on a different planet (that would need another star not necessarily the sun....and the aliens that live there might have a different word that means 'water'... my suggestion is 'flakkelmak')

Not that.

is this a pun?

Nope. The answer's very easy.

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year
or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well.
Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick".
The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?
POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3 bedrooms.
LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he responded.
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
POLE: SHE going to kill me.
LAWYER: What makes you think that?
POLE: I got proof.
LAWYER: What kind of proof?
POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug store and put on
shelf in bathroom. I can read - it says, "Polish Remover"

That's so funny Gulz! Here's two:

NB: GRAPHIC WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're not the politest of jokes. But nothing obscenely rude either!

Why did Tigger look down the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

Do you know, diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs in the genes/jeans!

That's so funny Gulz! Here's two:

NB: GRAPHIC WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They're not the politest of jokes. But nothing obscenely rude either!

Why did Tigger look down the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!

Do you know, diarrhoea is hereditary. It runs in the genes/jeans!

how exactly is that a joke?

Whats weird is that...I almost found it funny.

It was so unrealistic (like some hollywood/bollywood story) that I couldnt help but smile.

I must be in a funny mood today.

I skimmed it. The ending was so predictable.

A local priest realises that a rich lawyer hasnt given anything to charity so he decides to give him a visit.
Priest: Good evening sir, i have realised you havent given anything to out charity and i believe giving money is a prime oppertunity to do so.

Lawyer: okay you came to get money but you havent researched my life, first of all my sister's husband was killed in service leaving her with 3 kids and no income.

Priest: (starting to feel remorseful) im sorry..

Lawyer: Wait and my brother is disabled relying on welfare from the government

priest: (regretting he ever came) i..

Lawyer: All those people rely on money from me and if i dont give them a penny what makes you think ill give some?

No Topic?

"Naz" wrote:

@ Ya'qub well i couldnt think where else to put it.

not put it in at all?

"Ya'qub" wrote:

"Naz" wrote:

@ Ya'qub well i couldnt think where else to put it.

not put it in at all?

2 peanuts walk into a bar, one was assaulted!

2 oranges walk into a bar, one says to the other "your round".

Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.
10 men and 1 woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that 1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping .......

I found this youtube video clip funny. Its a very good impersonation of George Bush!!!

Here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGkcb3fsYFM

Alternatively, u can search 'bush impersonator' on youtube. Its the one with the guy in the suit which was posted by the username guitarzan1.

Check it out if u can, Im amazed at how good he impersonates him, he does Clinton too!