Jokes!

Naz4 men....A Yank, a Brit, a Russian and a Pak.
Yank says im a CIA agent
Brit says im a MI5 agent
Russian says im a KGB agent
Pak says im a newsagent!

I think they've just broken the Official Secrets Act! Well no not really. They haven't said exactly WHAT their mission is.

Women as explained by engineers

LOLZZ

Very good Naz!

Lol.

😂 That's great Naz!

I think the last one is the best one, that is just hilarious!! 😛

lol funny

but very old!

The World according to the Daily Mail:

Ya'qubThe World according to the Daily Mail:

😂 😂 😂

"The first rule of Fight Club is:

Do not talk about Fight Club.

The second rule of Fight Club is:

Do NOT talk abo....

Hold on that's the first rule again.

The second rule of Fight Club is:

No smoking."

Joke No.1
This aint really a funny joke but im gonna tell it anyway because some of you might find it funny but i didnt but it did make me smile yeah anyway....

There was a lawyer who was riding in a limo. As the limo went past a field he noticed a man eating grass. He told the chauffeur to stop. He got out of the limo and said to the guy “why are you eating grass?” The man said im poor and really hungry. The lawyer said to him come and get in my limo and you can come home with me. The man said but i also have 3 kids and a wife and i cant leave them behind. The lawyer said bring them too. As the limo headed towards the lawyers house the man again thanked the lawyer for his generosity. The lawyer said dont thank me yet i have a 1 foot high lawn in my backyard!

Joke no.2

2 Guys leave Pakistan for England. They agree to meet 2 years later to see who becomes the most English. 2 years pass, 1st one says

"I got a Beckham shirt, went to Portugal to support England, i drink beer and own a bulldog, i fish and paly golf at my country club. How English have you become?"

2nd one replies - "F OFF PAKI!"

A little guy is sat at the bar when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face and says "thats KUNG FU from Japan", a bit later the thug smacks him again and says "thats KARATE from Korea, the little guy gets up an leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back an smacks the thug knockin him out cold abd says to the barman "when that so and so wakes up, tell him that was a shovel from B&Q!

Ya'qubsince the average squirrel only lives to about 8-12 years, i think it was very unresponsible for the barman to serve them drinks underage....

Since you're being technical
I should point out
that "UNresponsible" actually isn't a word
I think the word you were looking for was Irresponsible?
🙂

Don't Hate! lolzz

M4k4v3l1the best tv show widout a doubt is my wife and kids
itz sooooooooooooooooooooooooo funny
can watch it agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen n agen
i luvvvv ittttttt

Yeah you have to watch it "agen and agen..." etc- coz they never make new episodes lolz and "Friends" is over 🙁

Nazwomen

**sister walks out of exam hall**

Oh my gyad, that chemistry test was so easy! I'm sooooo happy for
finishing my last exam. This is the happiest day of my life! LOL!

**a brother exits from opposite exam hall**

Oh, WHO is that? Is he Muslim? He has an ugly beard ewww. He looks
scary. And WHY is he walking this way? Oh my God he's headed straight
towards me! Okay, be calm… it's all normal. Just be polite and make
eye contact and…

BROTHER: Assalamu Alaikum
SISTER: Walaikum Musalam

OH MY GOD. He just said salams to me! No way it must have been to
someone else. Wait, but there is no one else around. OH MY GOD IT WAS
FOR ME. But why? Why would a random brother just say salams to me? It
just doesn't make sense. I've been wearing this hijab for ages… so why
the salams NOW?

Hmmm, this brother looks like he's almost done in under grad. Isn't
that the brother who got into med school? Wow he's so smart mashAllah.
Why would someone like that say SALAM to me? Was he just trying to be
nice? Hmmm.

OR maybe he was being MORE than nice. Yeah I think that has to be it.
OMG no way. Does he like me??? I've never seen him before but I
sometimes study in the science library so he probably saw me. Why
wouldn't he say salams to me then? Maybe he was waiting to become more
secure in his field before saying salams to me? I think that must be
it. He is no doubt scouting people… of course.

This is soooo weird lol. But mashAllah he's a good looking brother.
I'm sure he's pious. That beard looks good on him mashAllah. I wonder
if he's talked to his parents about me yet? I hope his parents will
like me. I'm a nice girl though. All the aunties love my personality
lol.

But if he lives far away then I might have to move close to his
parents' house because his job will probably be around there. Oh man
the change in life will be sooooo hard to get used to. I wonder if
he's going to live in his own place or if we're going to move in with
his parents? I wouldn't mind living with his parents ONLY if they're
open-minded. Uffff I hate close-minded people. I want to have nice
in-laws.

I hope he wants a simple Nikkah. I can't stand all that extravagant
crap that goes on nowadays. He seems very simple and down-to-earth
though mashAllah. Definitely my kind of man. I wonder how he is with
kids. I don't mind having kids but he better not be the type that
wants like 50 kids. OMG that would so suck. 3 is a good number. I like
the names Bilal , Mariam and Ayesha. InshAllah it'll be in that order.

I wonder if he's very science-y. I don't like when people are too
science-y. I think our kids should do anything they want as long as
they are successful. Bilal would make a good social worker I think.

He seems like the type that would always compliment my cooking, no
matter how bad it is lol J I hate guys who think women belong in the
kitchen. I think he'll help out once in awhile too. He seems so gentle
and delicate hahah.

Wow I hope when Bilal grows up he'll let me and that brother live with
him. I don't want to go to any retirement home! No inshAllah that
brother will instil good values into Bilal. But OMG should I wait
until he says salams again? I'm sure he'll make the first move.

Brother's Point of View.

**brother walks out of exam hall**

Wow. I think I failed that exam. I haven't shaven for days because of
these stupid exams. I look like a werewolf. Stupid science. I think
I'll switch into political science next year… I can't take this. Hey
is that a hijabi over there? Hmmm I think I should be polite and say
salams.

BROTHER: Assalamu Alaikum
SISTER: Walaikum Musalam

Man, I'm hungry. I wonder what's for dinner tonight? Hopefully
spaghetti

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

*Syed and Fatima work furiously on a Biology assignment in the group study area of the School Library*

Syed: So have you finished the assignment?
Fatima: Not yet uffff.
Syed: Hey no worries, we’ll get it done inshAllah.
Fatima: I hope so… I’m doing terrible in this class.
Syed: Hang in here Fatty, hang in there.
Fatima: Please don’t call me Fatty in public.
Syed: Sorry.
Fatima: Ah it’s okay. You’ve been helping me this entire year and I appreciate it.

*A random sister named Zainab walks up to them*

Zainab: Assalamu Alaikum
Syed: Wasalams
Fatima: Wasalaikumu Asalam
Zainab: Ummm … I’ll talk to you later Fatima.

*Zainab leaves and walks to her locker. Balqees approaches her. *

Balqees: Salam
Zainab: Oh my gyad! Guess what!
Balqees: What??
Zainab: I just saw Syed and Fatima in the library.
Balqees: So?
Zainab: Together! Alone!
Balqees: OMG
Zainab: I know! *squeels*
Balqees: Those two are ALWAYS together.
Zainab: I KNOW!
Balqees: Well thanks for the news. I have to go to class.

*Balqees leaves and heads to her class. She is stopped in the halls by another sister.*

Haifa: Hey Balqees!
Balqees: Haifa!! *squeels*
Haifa: Wow you look awfully happy today.
Balqees: I got the biggest news story ever!
Haifa: *screams* REALLY? WHAT IS IT?
Balqees: Well do you know Syed?
Haifa: Oh that cute guy who always gives the athaan?
Balqees: YEAH! Well I heard that he likes Fatima!
Haifa: NO WAY!
Balqees: YEAH! It's sooooo cute.
Haifa: Awwwww
Balqees: Well I have to go to class. Wasalam!

*Balqees leaves. Haifa stands in the middle of the hall, thinking to herself. She is approached by another random sister.*

Haifa: Oh hey Yas!
Yasmeen: Salam Haif! What’s up?
Haifa: Just standing around.
Yasmeen: Oh I like doing that too. What are you thinking about?
Haifa: What to wear for… oh oop!
Yasmeen: Oop what?
Haifa: I’m not sure if I was supposed to say … I think it’s a secret.
Yasmeen: Oh come on!
Haifa: Arright I’ll tell you! But promise not to tell anyone!
Yasmeen: I pinky square it.
Haifa: Okay well I was thinking what I should wear to…
Yasmeen: YEAH?
Haifa: SYED AND FATIMA’S ENGAGEMENT PARTY
Yasmeen: Oh my gaaaaaad. NO WAY.
Haifa: YES.
Yasmeen: When? When?
Haifa: I don’t know but I’ll keep you updated.
Yasmeen: WOW this is amazing. I have to go home. Talk to ya later Haifs. Salams

*Yasmeen walks towards the bus stop but is stopped by another sister*

Yasmeen: Oops, excuse me.
Salma: Hah, almost ran passed me did you girlie?
Yasmeen: LOL omg Salma didn’t see you there.
Salma: Why are you smiling?
Yasmeen: Oh for no reason.
Salma: Oh come on there’s a reason!
Yasmeen: Okay but promise not to tell ANYONE. Like really.
Salma: I promise. Teehee.
Yasmeen: Okay… well. SYED AND FATIMA are MARRIED.
Salma: WHAT?
Yasmeen: YEAH! They did one of those online nikkahs!
Salma: Are those even legal?
Yasmeen: Maybe…maybe not. But either way they’re hitched.
Salma: So that’s why they’re always together.
Yasmeen: Yeah we should be receiving Walima invitations soon. What to wear?
Salma: *giggle* I already know what hijab I’m wearing hahaha.
Yasmeen: *giggle*
Salma: Okay well I better go study. Ciao.

* Salma leaves and heads to the library. She spots Syed and Fatima. *

Salma: Hey guys
Syed: What’s up?
Salma: Just wanted to send my congratulations. LOL *giggle*

* Salma leaves* Fatima: Congratulations for WHAT?
Syed: I’m not entirely sure. Maybe they’re happy that Mom’s feeling better?

LOLZZZ both good- longggg, but worth it! lolz

Hubby buys wife a car. Wife says "I dont like it, i want something that goes from 0 to 140 in 3 seconds." Hubby cums back with bathroom scales and says "stand on these then!"

I don't know f you've heard this but.

Judge: WHO STOLE THE COOKIE FROM THE JAR? WHO IS GUILTY?
Prosecution: Your Honour, it was the Defence, I saw her!
Defence: Don't lie, it was you and the Clerk!
Clerk: NO! It was the Usher!
Judge: I'm sending you all to jail for perjury! Because, I stole the cookie.

[center]Joke

Two men are sitting in an airport.

One man says to the other
"Hey, lets go to germany, theres only 5% muslims there".

The other man says to him:
"Naa mate, lets go to ireland, theres only 4% muslims there".

The other man says back to him:
"Wales sounds best, only 2% pf muslims there".

A RANDOM MAN BEHIND THEM TURNS AROUND AND SAYS.

"...Go to hell, theres 0% muslims there".

Lol...Hope u liked the joke...i found it FFFFFFFUNNY hehe.[/center]

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are
always getting into trouble and their parents know all
about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are
probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had
been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak
with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them
individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the
younger boy down and asked him sternly,

'Do you know where God is, son?'

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,
sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even
sterner tone, 'Where is God?!'

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher
raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and
bellowed,

'Where is God?!'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran
directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'what
happened?'
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We
are in BIG trouble this time.

('I just LOVE reading next line again and again')

scroll down

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GOD is missing, and they think we did it!

^^^ lol that was worth scrolling down for.

one day a boy came home with his trousres dirty he took it off and gave to his mum. then his mum heard noises coming from the garden she shouted " are you runnig around the garden naked , you naughty boy" then the milkman said "no maam im just bringing the milk"

and here's another one

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

musslimaThere once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

NOTE: LAST LINE HAS BEEN DELETED
i kno i shudnt hve ritten that silly me. i jus Xplaind coz i didnt get it at first when i heard it

Ya'qubYa'qub's Official Best Line from the Simpsons Movie:

"For once a rich, white man is in charge!"
-Mr Burns

no way! the best line is when the mayor addresses springfield:

Mayor: "we have a code black"
Lenny: "code black????! thats the worst colour there is!!!! (sorry Carl)
Carl: its allright i get it all the time"

😂