Last year, when my parents went to Pakistan for a couple of months there were times when I felt very alone. My loneliness led me to an incredibly stupid mistake, no a sin, that I vowed not to repeat. But as I find myself in a similar position today, I want to walk on the same dirty path, towards the mirage that is contentment due to sin, all over again.
That’s the thing about sins, most of the times they’re not completely void of reasoning. Not all sins require calculated thought but there is a sense of purpose to them, an end goal which we believe will elevate us. Maybe elevate our status, or simply elevate our state of mind. Alleviate our problems and make us happy.
Perhaps this is a crude example, but I just thought of people who self harm. They do not self-harm to make their condition worse, they do not self-harm in an attempt to end their life. Self-harming is a coping strategy used to make the individual feel in control, possibly, or to feel a physical pain that, for a while, overrides all the pain that won’t stop. But, is it a good coping strategy? Well, the answer’s in the name.
We may think heading down to the pub after work will allow us to integrate within our environment, and make us feel better. We may think we’re great gamblers and we’ll be able to make some quick cash to cover this month’s bills. We may feel entitled to our haram relationships before marriage, because we need to know the person we’ll be spending our lives with. We may feel more beautiful without our bodies appropriately covered. But what do we really get out of these sins? Either a rude awakening or a severe guilt which ruins any sense of happiness that came with the sin. And when we don’t recognise either, well, that’s when we’re in real trouble.
The problems that are caused by sins rear their ugly heads as soon as we take our first step towards the sin. Yet we regularly overlook this for the momentary pleasure of this world. Sins will neither elevate us, nor alleviate us.
But the other thing about sins is that they can be so easy to fall into. I find myself doing things that my previous self would see in others and be shocked or disgusted or plain confused about the reasoning and “necessity” of committing such a sin. Yet, here I am. Dirtier and devalued, thrown off my high horse.
The easy, seemingly reachable, answer will always seem the way forward. But, do you remember the question? Are you answering the correct one? Do you need time to read over it again? Time is limited in this test, but the time limit takes into account the numerous necessary reads of the question.
What is the question? What is your position?
Do you want to cure your loneliness? Do you want to numb the pain? Do you want to have fun? Do you want to make more money? Do you want feel more beautiful? Why do you not feel beautiful right now? Why will revealing more of yourself make you feel better? Is this relationship giving you all that a relationship should?
Are you looking for a solution to the consequence of a problem, or a solution to the root of the problem?
Are you going back to the sourcebook for the answers to your question?
Then what is [the matter] with them that they are, from the reminder, turning away As if they were alarmed donkeys Fleeing from a lion? Rather, every person among them desires that he would be given scriptures spread about. No! But they do not fear the Hereafter. No! Indeed, the Qur'an is a reminder Then whoever wills will remember it. And they will not remember except that Allah wills. He is worthy of fear and adequate for [granting] forgiveness. Quran ~ 74: 49-56
Have you re-read the question? Again?
Do you want to avoid the hellfire? Do you want to enter paradise? Do you want to meet the Prophet peace and blessing be upon him? Do you want to submit to the will of Allah?
We attempt to fix ourselves with our sins but the fix is more like blade through the skin than a bandage on the skin.
Today, I wrote this to curb the useless thoughts, whilst feeling lonely. (After doing dua. I could’ve done more dua too. I could’ve done more worship.)
I hope tomorrow I can find a plaster, if not a bandage to fix me, rather than a blade.