I really want to marry him

Assalamu Alaykom wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

So I got a question about
tranquility from a sister,
but about marriage proposals:

"What if the heart feels tranquillity
in a decision which isn't out of
the bounds of Shariah
yet circumstances dictate otherwise?

I.e parents turning down good
proposals due to race/status?

But you feel like the person would
be a good bet?

If the parental influence in this decision,
jeopardising the level of tranquillity
starts making you feel not tranquil,
does it become a whim if you still
wish to marry the person?

Should you just let it go because
the tranquillity has been unsettled?"

She actually answers her own
question. lol.

And it's a good answer to a good
question Smile

I've had so many questions around
this. From different people.

Let me clarify a few things:
- for a virgin girl
(before homosexuality
became so rife, there was no need to
stipulate the gender !) her parents
must accept.

Even in the hanafi school where
SOME of the scholars have permitted
a woman to marry against her father's
consent, the
father can end the marriage if the
'husbands' parents are not considered
on the same social status as the
father of the 'bride'.

So no marriage if daddy isn't happy.

People always say:
'but it's transgression,
his decision is only based on race'.

Even if that is true,
it's your fathers problem,
not yours.

His sin, not yours.

Your fight is to abide by your
parents wishes.

When you're a parent,
you can show the world how
amazing you are.

OK ?

Do you know why Allah (swt)
gave that right to the father
of the girl
and only if she's a virgin ?

If she's been divorced before,
she doesn't need her fathers

... because as a divorcee
she's thinking clearly,
she knows what marriage stipulates,
it's difficulties, challenges,
the reality of it.

all of these conditions are
for one purpose only:
"to lessen the risk of the marriage
going bad and to increase the chances
that it'll work"

And for a successful marriage,
with happy children...

not just
the couple need to get on...

but their parents need to get on
with that persons partner and
his/her parents
(the in laws).

Two families are getting married,
not just two people.

And so, whilst you may think
that you're of the same culture
as someone from a different race
cos you're both bred in Britain,
for your parents, they don't
think so...

... and since it's two families
getting married... then there's
a problem.

So if there's friction from one side,
let it go. Have the dignity to let
it go.

There are PLENNNNNNTY of fish in
the sea. Plenty.

And Allah (swt) will reward you
for making your parents happy
and for not disturbing the harmony
of another family by making their
son/daughter fight with his/her

Even in the case of the male,
though he is allowed to marry
without anyone's consent...

... still, there's so much more
barakah... and it's much more
conducive to stability, happiness
and longevity if his parents
are on board.

Otherwise, there's resentment and

Why go into that ?!

So yes... judge it by the level
of tranquility.

This fallacy,
and it is a fallacy,
that this guy or girl is the one

... it's garbage.

(I can't live without her)

(If I don't marry him,
I never wanna marry anyone)

(You don't understand)


Look at the companions.

They got married several times...

... meaning that if there was
only one true love,
then how could they get married again.

It wouldn't make sense.

life is more practical than

Romeo and Juliet both ended up
committing suicide.

This commitment to someone you
don't really know is based on
your fantasies.

How on earth do you know that
he's a good guy/girl ?

Let's be frank about the reasons

- He reads Quran nicely:
You want a husband of a Qari' ?

It's a different skill to being
a husband. It's got NOTHING
to do with being a good husband.

- His friends like him:
So what ?

Guys like guys for completely diff
reasons than girls like them.

A guy might think another guy
is cool cos he burps out loud.
Good luck !

A girl might like another girl
because she gives good hugs.

- He/She is a member of the
Islamic society in Uni:

Oh man... this one I hate the
most. Seriously.

Soooooooo what ?!

"Well... she's really confident
and outspoken and I like that."

Then when I get him to think
about what that really means at
home... "hmmmm, who's going to
wear the trousers ?"

"He's such a good speaker"

Then when I get her to think
about things going wrong and
the need for ACTION and not words...

Listen, I don't have a problem
with people liking other people,
but don't go into business with
someone just cos he has a nice

Don't give someone your house
keys just cos she can cook well.

Don't trust someone with your
kids just cos they're drop
dead gorgeous.

And whatever you like in that
person... find someone else
with that same characteristic,
but whom your father will

Allah (swt) didn't just create
that one person !

There is of course an exception
to all of what I said above:

If the father is some
twisted sick monster who never
wants his daughter to get married
and amazing suitor after suitor
get turned away for no reason
whatsoever... not even cultural

then... the father is sidelined
and we find a different walli.

But this is really rare.

I had a guy call me up once
asking for me to do a nikah
with a bro and a sis cos
her father supposedly wanted
her to only marry one guy in the
from Pakistan,
who was and I quote:

"low IQ, physically disabled,
un-educated and completely different
in culture to her cos she
grew up here and him there"

The father has no right to
impose upon the daughter,
just as the daughter has no
right to impose upon the

And if it's true that the father
won't accept anyone but him,
then he is twisted.

So I said:
"yes I'll do it,
on one condition."

what ?

"I want to speak with her father".

I never heard from them again.

See how whimsical people can

Making stuff up,

creating enemies out of the
reason why the one they
claim to love was born in
the first place !!

If you truly love someone,
have the good graces not to
hurt them and their families.

I know society programs us that
we should fight for love.

It's a lie.

They're feeding you the whim
of approval.

If it's true, it'll come to

No one can push fate away.

So ease up,
release your whims,
feel tranquil,
and let the goodness come to you.

And by the way,
the pain that you think you'll
feel by releasing this 'love'
is actually the pain of holding
onto it so tightly !

Ready for freedom and true
love ?



 Thanks for sharing. Makes a good read. Quite funny aswell.


Well... statistically speaking theres more girls than guys. But only by a million. Give or take.

Back in BLACK

I came across some advice in my newsfeed yesterday and since it's related to this topic, I thought i'd just paste it below.

Being attracted to someone – whether physically, emotionally, intellectually or religiously – is based on personal judgment; meaning that a person may consider someone or something attractive whilst another may not. As such, it does not make sense for parents to force what they consider as attractive in a potential spouse upon their children! I have dealt with cases where people have said, “I am happy with his looks, but my mum does not feel he is good looking” or “My parents don’t think she is beautiful enough” or “He is very practicing, good mannered and attractive for me, but my friends think he is not so attractive” and so on and so forth. Remember, what really matters is that you, as the person marrying, are content with the looks, character, etc of a potential spouse, since YOU are person who will be spending your whole life with him or her. Parents, family and friends can indeed advice you, but they are not marrying the person in question. When choosing a suitable spouse for children, parents should understand it is the children who need to be attracted to the potential spouse; and not the parents. 

[Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari]


These two pieces of advice are for different, and your post seems to be addressing something like forced marriage or just reassuring a person that they have a choice,

_Me_ wrote:
 Thanks for sharing. Makes a good read. Quite funny aswell.

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

I dont think the whole "you dont marry the individual, you marry the family" thing is fair. We are all infividualand cant, at the end of the day, be responsible for the way parents, siblings and more extended family act. So ehy shld a random stranger have anything to do with them? Or be linked to them in a marriage metaphor.

Its not fsir and i do.t think its even Islamic

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?