Assalamu Alaykom wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,
So I got a question about
tranquility from a sister,
but about marriage proposals:
"What if the heart feels tranquillity
in a decision which isn't out of
the bounds of Shariah
yet circumstances dictate otherwise?
I.e parents turning down good
proposals due to race/status?
But you feel like the person would
be a good bet?
If the parental influence in this decision,
jeopardising the level of tranquillity
starts making you feel not tranquil,
does it become a whim if you still
wish to marry the person?
Should you just let it go because
the tranquillity has been unsettled?"
She actually answers her own
And it's a good answer to a good
I've had so many questions around
this. From different people.
Let me clarify a few things:
- for a virgin girl
became so rife, there was no need to
stipulate the gender !) her parents
Even in the hanafi school where
SOME of the scholars have permitted
a woman to marry against her father's
father can end the marriage if the
'husbands' parents are not considered
on the same social status as the
father of the 'bride'.
So no marriage if daddy isn't happy.
People always say:
'but it's transgression,
his decision is only based on race'.
Even if that is true,
it's your fathers problem,
His sin, not yours.
Your fight is to abide by your
When you're a parent,
you can show the world how
amazing you are.
Do you know why Allah (swt)
gave that right to the father
of the girl
and only if she's a virgin ?
If she's been divorced before,
she doesn't need her fathers
... because as a divorcee
she's thinking clearly,
she knows what marriage stipulates,
it's difficulties, challenges,
the reality of it.
all of these conditions are
for one purpose only:
"to lessen the risk of the marriage
going bad and to increase the chances
that it'll work"
And for a successful marriage,
with happy children...
the couple need to get on...
but their parents need to get on
with that persons partner and
(the in laws).
Two families are getting married,
not just two people.
And so, whilst you may think
that you're of the same culture
as someone from a different race
cos you're both bred in Britain,
for your parents, they don't
... and since it's two families
getting married... then there's
So if there's friction from one side,
let it go. Have the dignity to let
There are PLENNNNNNTY of fish in
the sea. Plenty.
And Allah (swt) will reward you
for making your parents happy
and for not disturbing the harmony
of another family by making their
son/daughter fight with his/her
Even in the case of the male,
though he is allowed to marry
without anyone's consent...
... still, there's so much more
barakah... and it's much more
conducive to stability, happiness
and longevity if his parents
are on board.
Otherwise, there's resentment and
Why go into that ?!
So yes... judge it by the level
and it is a fallacy,
that this guy or girl is the one
... it's garbage.
(I can't live without her)
(If I don't marry him,
I never wanna marry anyone)
(You don't understand)
Look at the companions.
They got married several times...
... meaning that if there was
only one true love,
then how could they get married again.
It wouldn't make sense.
life is more practical than
Romeo and Juliet both ended up
This commitment to someone you
don't really know is based on
How on earth do you know that
he's a good guy/girl ?
Let's be frank about the reasons
- He reads Quran nicely:
You want a husband of a Qari' ?
It's a different skill to being
a husband. It's got NOTHING
to do with being a good husband.
- His friends like him:
So what ?
Guys like guys for completely diff
reasons than girls like them.
A guy might think another guy
is cool cos he burps out loud.
Good luck !
A girl might like another girl
because she gives good hugs.
- He/She is a member of the
Islamic society in Uni:
Oh man... this one I hate the
Soooooooo what ?!
"Well... she's really confident
and outspoken and I like that."
Then when I get him to think
about what that really means at
home... "hmmmm, who's going to
wear the trousers ?"
"He's such a good speaker"
Then when I get her to think
about things going wrong and
the need for ACTION and not words...
Listen, I don't have a problem
with people liking other people,
but don't go into business with
someone just cos he has a nice
Don't give someone your house
keys just cos she can cook well.
Don't trust someone with your
kids just cos they're drop
And whatever you like in that
person... find someone else
with that same characteristic,
but whom your father will
Allah (swt) didn't just create
that one person !
There is of course an exception
to all of what I said above:
If the father is some
twisted sick monster who never
wants his daughter to get married
and amazing suitor after suitor
get turned away for no reason
whatsoever... not even cultural
then... the father is sidelined
and we find a different walli.
But this is really rare.
I had a guy call me up once
asking for me to do a nikah
with a bro and a sis cos
her father supposedly wanted
her to only marry one guy in the
who was and I quote:
"low IQ, physically disabled,
un-educated and completely different
in culture to her cos she
grew up here and him there"
The father has no right to
impose upon the daughter,
just as the daughter has no
right to impose upon the
And if it's true that the father
won't accept anyone but him,
then he is twisted.
So I said:
"yes I'll do it,
on one condition."
"I want to speak with her father".
I never heard from them again.
See how whimsical people can
Making stuff up,
creating enemies out of the
reason why the one they
claim to love was born in
the first place !!
If you truly love someone,
have the good graces not to
hurt them and their families.
I know society programs us that
we should fight for love.
It's a lie.
They're feeding you the whim
If it's true, it'll come to
No one can push fate away.
So ease up,
release your whims,
and let the goodness come to you.
And by the way,
the pain that you think you'll
feel by releasing this 'love'
is actually the pain of holding
onto it so tightly !
Ready for freedom and true