Last week I told myself I was fixing up. I decided to concentrate on one main thing and not give up on it. And alhamdulillah, with this one thing I was able to be more mindful of other things too - I was doing well and it boosted how I was feeling spiritually. Overall I felt happier.
But then, at the back of my mind, my nafs kept telling me to start wasting time by watching random stuff, or just doing something that wasn't so religious. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't spending all my time trying to be a perfect Muslim but as I was more mindful I just felt I needed to do things differently and tried to concentrate on that, to some extent.
Although I had given in to my nafs before, it wasn't to my usual extent. But trying so hard to improve began to tire me out and bore me. One night I had quite a philosiphical convo with a friend who doesn't usually talk about this stuff. And although I felt quite peaceful, I also felt tired of talking about it too. I doubt that makes any sense, right?! How can you get tired of talking about something that makes you feel good?!
And last night I just wanted to waste time watching a load of tv or something (I didn't though) but I did have a dream which was pretty disturbing! Not in horror-film style, more because it reminded me of a sin that haunts me. And today (well technically yesterday) I carried on with my goal and physically I may have succeeded but mentally I'm deflated.
There's hadith which say that Allah runs to you when you walk to him. And there's the saying that Islam isn't hard but we make it hard for ourselves.
But how do we do that?
I tried not trying to be all perfect and went for one thing to improve on. And yh I'm still at it, but a simple thought, simple weakness of the nafs has made me go back to my old ways, that is why I'm up at this stupid time, too!