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March 12, 2006

What Does Islam Say About Relationships? What’s Wrong With Having Boy/Girlfriends?

By Shaykh Muhammad Salim Ghisa

In the name of Allah the most Beneficent and Merciful.

Pre-marital relationships (boy/girlfriends) are strictly Haram (forbidden) in Islam. For non permissible males to have a relationship with non permissible females is one of the major sins in today’s era.

Unfortunately we see this western influence spreading like an illness amongst the Muslim youth. As barriers of work and study have been relaxed by parents, as they would like to see their children prosper, it has brought its evils with it.

Whilst working or studying is commended and supported by Islam, the values of guarding one’s modesty and chastity are even more important.

All men and women have a responsibility under the Shariah that they do not attract the other sex for whom it is unlawful to do so. The measures taken are clear and that all men and women must wear clothing, which are modest and loose.

It is as much haram for a man to wear tight clothing, which would expose the shape of his bodily contours, which are haram for him to show as it is for a woman.

The hijab is the head covering and the reason why this is emphasised for a woman is because her hair and head are also recognised as Awrah (parts which she must cover). As for the man the best way he can protect his modesty is to lower his gaze (as well as cover his body which would cause a sexual attraction).

Looking at the Opposite Sex

Allah says in the Holy Quran regarding lowering the gaze:

“Tell believers to lower their gaze, and tell the believing women to lower their gaze. (24:30,31)

Imam Al Quduri the great Hanafi Jurist states “It is not permissible for a man to look at a woman who is not his wife or un-marriageable relative except for her face and hands (because of the necessity of her need to deal with men in taking and giving and the like). If a man is not safe from lust, he may not look at her face except for when it is demanded by necessity. (Quduri)

The above tells us the strict ruling of looking at a woman never mind having a relationship with her.

The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has said that the eye that looks at a woman (non Mahram) or vice versa with intent of lust or a relationship is the eye that commits fornication (zina). In a lengthy Hadith he says

“The fornication of the two eyes is an evil glance. The fornication of the two ears is the obscene talk. The fornication of the tongue and hand is the touch and grasp. And the fornication of the two feet is the steps taken towards evil. The heart desires and longs and the private parts abide with or does contrary to it”. (Mishkat ul Masabih, Abu Dawood)

Teenage Pregnancies

Teenage relationships start off as friendship and eventually can lead to fornication. This is why the Prophet of Allah said “When two people (illegally) are together alone then the third is shaitaan” (Bukhari).

We see in today’s day and age the consequences of such actions. Great Britain has the highest amount of teenage pregnancies in the whole of Europe. In 2002, 37,232 girls under the age of 16 became pregnant, this figure has risen every year since.

In 2003 the figure was 40828 and in 2004 the figure has reached a record level of 42400. Allah wants to protect the young male and female from such actions.

In fact the Prophet of Allah has said “one of the seven people who will be under the protection of the shade of the throne of Allah on the day of judgment when there will be no shade will be the young man (or woman) who was approached by a respectable beautiful woman but he replied `I fear Allah`. (Bukhari)

What’s So Bad About It?

Young Girls and boys must realise that fornication (sex outside marriage) is one of the worst sins for a Muslim. The Prophet of Allah has said “The greatest sin after polytheism (shirk) is the man who commits fornication with a woman who is not his legal wife” (Ibn Kathir, Mishkat).

In fact it is so serious that the greatest of gifts, which is Imaan (faith), is removed from the fornicator until the evil act is finished. The Prophet of Allah said “Faith comes out of a person whilst he commits fornication” (Mishkat).

It has also been stated in another hadith related by Imam Tirmidhi, Abu Dawood and Baihaqi that the Messenger of Allah (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “When a servant in Allah engages in fornication, his faith leaves him, for it is like a piece of cloth covering his head (and is removed), and when he finishes his sin, his faith returns”.

Another point to take in to account is when young men and women look for a suitable partner, even if they were themselves involved in such acts, they will want a partner who was pious and had protected their chastity, hence, modesty and Haya (Shamefulness) is a part of Imaan as advised to us by our beloved Prophet. (Bukhari)

Mahram or non-Mahram?

Islam categorises and defines the relations from the opposite sex who are not allowed to be a marital partner and therefore are known as Mahram. All other types of relations or people are regarded as non Mahram hence marriage is allowable with them and therefore individual contact is not permissible unless it is open and necessary or the person is beyond marriageable age.

Mahram - people who you are not allowed to marry

(Extracted from Reliance of the Traveler) It is unlawful for one to marry one’s ancestors, descendents, parent’s descendents, or the first generation of one’s grandparent’s offspring, meaning one’s paternal or maternal aunts or uncles. One’s un-marriageable kin (mahram) are those one is forbidden to marry forever.

For a man:

  • Mother
  • Grandmothers (paternal or maternal) and on up
  • Daughters
  • Daughters of his children, children’s children and on down.
  • Sisters
  • Daughters of brothers or sisters, their children’s daughters, and on down
  • Mother’s sisters, grandmothers sisters and on up
  • Father’s sisters and father’s fathers sisters and on up
  • Wife’s mother, Wife’s grandmother
  • The wives of his father, father’s father and on up
  • The wives of his children, children’s children and on down.

All the mentioned relatives are unlawful to be married. However, the first lot are due to blood relationships and hence it would be incest.

The last four are unlawful due to the fact of his marriage, i.e., wife’s mother (she was lawful but became unlawful when he married his wife) and this is what this means and will now remain unlawful for him even if he was to divorce his wife. The same applies with the other three.

Also, all of his wet nurse mother’s kin made un-marriageable to him due to being breast fed by his milk mother.

It is also unlawful for a man to marry both of these together (whilst being married to the other):

  • A woman and her sister
  • A woman and her father’s sister
  • A woman and her mother’s sister
  • He may marry the other if he was to divorce (or by death) the first partner.

For a woman:

  • Father, grandfather and on up
  • Son, son’s son, daughter’s son and on down
  • Brother
  • Father’s brother, meaning the brother of any male ancestor
  • Mother’s brother, meaning the brother of any female ancestor
  • Brother’s son, sister’s son, or any other descendant of brothers or sisters
  • The husband of her mother, grandmother and on up
  • The husband of her daughter or other female descendant
  • Her husband’s father, grandfather and on up, and the husband’s son and descendant’s

Also, all of her wet nurse mother’s kin made un-marriageable to him her to being breast fed by her milk mother.

To conclude: Mixing freely with the opposite sex (non-mahram) without necessity is not allowed in Islam. Having a boy/girlfriend is totally haram. We need to understand what relationships are allowed and what are not.

We ask Allah to protect us and help us guard our Chastity.

Have any questions? Send them into editor@therevival.co.uk

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