The Do's and Don'ts of Meeting a Potential Partner

By Alveena Salim

You've been through uni, you've got your education out the way, you don't fancy anyone and the chances of meeting someone have become increasingly slim so you've agreed to go through the meat market and meet a number of eligible bachelors/bachelorettes personally hand-picked by your parents. And in this incredibly socially awkward get together, in presence of your nearest and dearest over a cup of PG tips, you have to decide whether or not you can spend the rest of your life with the one introduced to you by your parents. No pressure eh?

By Alveena Salim

You’ve been through uni, you’ve got your education out the way, you don’t fancy anyone and the chances of meeting someone have become increasingly slim so you’ve agreed to go through the meat market and meet a number of eligible bachelors/bachelorettes personally hand-picked by your parents. And in this incredibly socially awkward get together, in presence of your nearest and dearest over a cup of PG tips, you have to decide whether or not you can spend the rest of your life with the one introduced to you by your parents. No pressure eh?

It’s not the most ideal way of finding your life partner. But it’s as Halaal as you can get. You’ll meet all sorts in such meetings. The aunties who only come to pig out on free food. The boys who’ll do nothing but perv at you or those who are too gay to even look you in the eye.

You’ll come across the aunties who’ll try to cop a feel so that they can guess your dress size or you’ll meet those who are shameless enough to ask you at the dinner table. Some guys will make their caveman/Taliban views clear. Whilst others will tell you that they are looking forward to clubbing with you in a miniskirt.

It’s also a small world, so if you’re lucky you might even find yourself serving tea to someone who’s currently dating a friend of yours.

You can’t date and you definitely can’t ‘try before you buy’ so how exactly can you decide whether or not the guy/girl sitting in front of you can possibly become the love of your life?

Never fear. The Revival is here, to talk you through some of the key points that will hopefully make this decision much easier.

  1. Firstly DON’T judge merely on appearances. First meetings are usually very awkward and cringy. You have fathers breathing down your neck and the entire room usually eavesdropping on your conversations. So don’t assume that the girl/guy sitting in front of you is very shy or extremely modest. If you want to know how modest they are, just ask. Ask her what she wears to work/at home on an every day basis. Ask her if she usually wears the Hijaab/Jilbaab or Niqab. Find out if she intends to cover up more/less after marriage. Ask him if he usually wears the Thobe/Kufi or if he’s just donning it to impress your dad. Ask him if he intends to grow/trim his beard after marriage. Feel free to ask each other about their friends. Find out if they have close friendship with members of the opposite sex.
  2. Ask them to sum up their personality in three words. It’s an icebreaker but also reveals a lot about the other person. Are they hot tempered or calm and collected? Are they an extrovert or an introvert? How would their close friends/siblings describe them?
  3. Ask them about their hobbies. Are they into sports? Helping out in their local community? Do they help out in their local Mosque? Do they like eating out? If so, what kind of food are they into? Someone's diet speaks volumes. You can separate the fitness fanatics from the junk food addicts. Do they like to travel? What countries have they visited? What kinds of books do they like reading? What kind of programmes do they like to watch? What kind of music do they like to listen to? What was the last Islamic programme they attended? Everyone's character is made up of their interests.
  4. Talk about your future plans and ask them about theirs. Where do you see yourself in the next 2-3 years? Do you wish to travel? Start a family straight away? Study further? Do you want to further your career? Don’t just ask them about their short-term goals, find out where they see their marriage in 10 years time.
  5. Kids. Do you want kids? How would you like to bring them up? How many would you prefer? However, bear in mind that it’s not always a good idea to bring up family planning in front of your elders. Only bring up this private yet important issue away from prying ears. Or save it for another time.
  6. What are their expectations of marriage as a whole? Guys, if being domesticated is important to you, find out if she knows how to cook and clean. If you believe that a woman belongs in the kitchen, make sure she’s aware of that. Girls, if being domesticated is not important to you, make sure he knows that. Find out what they expect from you. Guys, are you looking for someone homely or career minded? Should she be active in Islam or would you rather she stuck to the basics? Girls, what do you want from your partner? Do you want him to be the main breadwinner? Do you want him to be active/inactive in Islam? Make sure your potential is aware of your preferences.
  7. Just observe. Watch how they speak to your parents. Observe how they deal with children. Are they patient? Are they considerate? Are they respectful? How do they speak to you? Are they polite? Do they listen to your opinions? How do they disagree with you? Watch how they eat. Do they stuff their face or slurp their tea? Do they look comfortable or bored? Do they seem embarrassed or at ease?
  8. Living arrangements. Very important. Guys, if you want your future wife to live with your parents make sure she knows that. Girls, if living with the in-laws is not an option for you, make sure he’s aware of that. Plus, it’s also important to find out if you’ll be able to visit your own parents regularly.
  9. Be honest! Don't meet them if you’re not interested. If you don’t wish to get married, if you already have someone on the side which you haven’t told your parents about or if you just don’t want to marry them, then DON’T waste their time and your own time. Trust me, people have better things to do then serve tea to a bunch of time wasters. If you’re not someone who attends the mosque five times a day, or who fasts in Ramadan but likes to enjoy the odd spliff now and again, DON’T make out that you’re a religious guy. And girls, if you really dress in short skirts, like to smoke and go clubbing and raving, don’t make out that you’re a Niqab-lovin virgin Mary. Do not allow your parents/close relative to exaggerate your good points. If you’re not really a doctor but instead drive a cab, than don’t allow your mum to say that you are. If don’t really spend all your income on the orphans and the homeless don’t allow your dad to say that you do. If you can’t really cook 14 different exotic dishes and hoover the whole house in 30 minutes then don’t allow your aunty to say that you can. The truth always comes out.
  10. It’s not wise to ask questions about their past or to reveal too much about your own past (should it be shameful). However, if you’ve been married before, have kids or any naughty diseases that your potential partner needs to be aware of make sure they know about it. Also, you need to find out if they’re a smoker and ask about their general fitness level.

Overall, what’s most important about these meetings is your gut reaction. Even scientific studies about human decision-making have demonstrated that our split-second gut-level reactions tend to be very accurate in this sort of situation.

Of course, it’s incredibly important to ask questions in these meetings, but what’s most important is how you spontaneously respond to a potential.

If there are a lot of awkward silences or you find yourself getting bored and looking at the clock, chances are that they are not the one for you.

Don’t ever rush this decision and always make sure you choose your life partner for the right reasons, guys don’t just agree to marry someone coz she looked fit when she served you tea, and girls don’t agree to marry someone coz he’s loaded. But at the same time, don’t be so quick to reject someone based on superficial reasons, such as looks or money.

After all, does it really matter if she’s a pharmacist and not a doctor? Is it really the end of the world that he earns 24k instead of 26k? Does it really bother you that he’s 5’7 instead of 5’8? Is it really the end of the world if he doesn’t share your interest in sci-fi or stamp collecting?

Make sure you look at them. It’s not enough to marry someone merely based on the opinion of others. The Prophet (pbuh) encouraged suitors to see one another

“When one of you asks a woman for marriage, if he is able to look at what will induce him to marry her, he should do so….” (Abu Dawud)

Also, if you’ve gone to see someone or vice versa, don’t hide upstairs or refuse to look up from your plate of food. It’ll make you seem as if you’re not interested... or gay. But at the same time, don’t bog the person out. No one likes a perv.

Do ask the opinion of your family. Whilst you may have fallen for the fit guy who you served tea to, maybe his unemployed status could be a problem, or maybe the large age difference will matter in the future. And even if she’s the ‘fittest gal you’ve ever seen’, would you really be OK with her dressing in such tight and short clothes in public? Remember to take ALL factors into consideration and do consult those who have your best interest at heart.

Make sure you have a realistic view of marriage. Marriage is not always rainbows and butterflies, it's all about compromise. You can paint a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather. You may face financial problems or you may have some issues with your in-laws.

Ask yourself, are you really mature and patient enough to work through such problems should they arise?

Make sure you don’t lead people on. If you’re not interested in a potential suitor make sure you let them know ASAP. People deserve an answer; no one should be led on or messed around just for the sake of your ego. And if you do get rejected, maintain your self-respect and walk away.

There’s plenty of fish in the sea. No one likes a ranting, blubbering individual. Throwing a hissy fit just coz you got rejected just confirms to the other family that they made the right decision.

And finally, be sure you do Istikhara before you make a final decision. Ask Allah (swt) to help you make a decision that will benefit you in this world and in the hereafter. Remember that human knowledge is limited. Trust and depend on the One who knows you better than you know yourself.

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Comments

ok, I gotta ask. What is it with the "tea ceremony"?

I gotta say those that go through the above are very brave indeed.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

i know....

there gna be awful

smile and be happy!!!

Have to say the most difficult part of meeting a potential partner is actually being able to find someone!!!

Anonymous123 wrote:
Have to say the most difficult part of meeting a potential partner is actually being able to find someone!!!

Very true. There is as an alternative, but its not ideal. For all articles to dop with marriage, click the tag marriage above, or (both go to the same place).

This is a problem that needs a lot of thought put into it as well from a community perspective. No idea if this can ever be solved for everyone. Some are happy to go the parents route which may end up back home (and they may prefer it! :shock:) and others may decide to go the non Islamic way. Those in the middle will just be stucj between a rock and a hard place.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

The parents route is not such a bad thing i guess as many marriages arranged through parents do work as well as some that dont but thats just fate. i dont know what to say about the non islamic way other that obviously you are open to fitnah, it may be based on sinful foundations and i dont know if its right to say this but would we be depriving ourselves of Allah swt blessings if we go about it the non islamic way?!?!

This article is actually quite logical....which will result in a better understandin of the so-called "potential"...
Cause really you neva knw some1 might jus be paintin a huge picture of rainbows+ butterflies- about them- Nuetral-
lol,
So the conclusion is to ask as many "life-style" relevant questions as possible...to be able to see the real person with in...AND most importantly to reflect the real you aswel...you don't want to later reveal that your a TOTAL fake!- And it's best to stay on the Straight-path...cause seriously if you go the opporsite....there are out-comes you would SOOOOO regret...esp endangering your life in the here-after.
And if your not "that" islamic...then try to explore the info of the religion itself...and maybe try to perform a salah once in a while...improving your iman ASAP...cause you will find peace in it...You would become free from the so-called "modern" aspects of the many societies.
Lol, i'm improving myself... before i try to advise on any-one elses improvements...but this article will help me in ma future.. so Jazakallah Khair... Smile
And insha-allah we will all find our way through the difficult phases life brings upon us...Ameen

Loool how can you asks questions with your dad breathing down your neck? Lol so true though, and in most cases the 'parents way' they will get you a good person with good personality but the looks? oh ohh.
Me and my mum have diffrent taste's so im sure im never going to ask her for someone!

It is not just about looks - what you find important in a person may not be what they find important.

Ideally the two should match or atleast be close enough to not be a major hurdle, but that involves you and your parents living in the same world.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

Great article; I agree completely with it but unfortunately even getting to the stage of wanting to invite someone over is near impossible, there is a severe lack of suitable Muslim men about! Especially Bengali ones (the ones I have to stick to – granddad’s happiness at stake), sorry brothers but I have evidence for it. Searching for a marriage partner has seriously become a pain!
I'm the girl in your article who's been through Uni, become highly qualified, has a good job and is finally ready to settle but seems unable to find a decent man.
I think I've been ‘proposed’ to by every type possible; from the intellectual but boring doctor, to the good looking but arrogant city slicker, to the sweet, kind hearted but closet gay man to the practising but judgemental boy next door. Oh yes, and the recent development seems to be being propositioned several times round by different individuals about men I have already met. Maybe I’ve finally been through everyone and I’m going round in a circle! The very thought! 
Am I asking for that much? Just an educated, practising, interesting, kind man with manners and common sense, is this too much? One seemingly ‘good boy’ asked me in front of my grandmother, ‘you’re not one of those girls who think it’s important to be a virgin are you?’ another charming Doctor asked my uncle if he was aware of the high divorce rates amongst Doctors! What were they thinking?
And while I'm on a rant, I feel the whole process of arranged marriages is failing; nobody knows anybody anymore and our second generation parents are unsure of how to manage all its nuances. So much so that despite my mother’s plea that I didn’t fall into a relationship while at University because of the shame of it all; culturally and Islamically; I sometimes think she almost wishes that I had met someone when she sees 'everyone else’s children' getting married to their straight out of Uni ready at hand lovers and popping out a sprog in a matter of months for good measure!
If you think the problem's with me, maybe you're right, but only in the sense that I'm not willing to compromise on those things above which are important to me in a partnership (plus I keep making my list of requirements shorter and I can't possibly remove anything else or I might aswell stay single!)
Are you married sister? If so please tell me there are at least some rainbows and butterflies along with the compromise. At this rate, if it wasn't a Sunnah to marry, maybe I wouldn't even bother! Wink

Muslimaa wrote:
Great article; I agree completely with it but unfortunately even getting to the stage of wanting to invite someone over is near impossible, there is a severe lack of suitable Muslim men about!

One problem here could be one about perception. "Good husbands" are not born but made, moulded into.

There is a saying that "the good get married young" which is probably true, but it would also be a case where the people get married, THEN they adapt to their new surroundings, and eventually all the unmarried go "I want a good spouse - like that one over there" - marriage partners are not off the shelf products.

Am I asking for that much? Just an educated, practising, interesting, kind man with manners and common sense, is this too much? One seemingly ‘good boy’ asked me in front of my grandmother, ‘you’re not one of those girls who think it’s important to be a virgin are you?’ another charming Doctor asked my uncle if he was aware of the high divorce rates amongst Doctors! What were they thinking?

Not picking on this, but it lets me speak - there can sometimes be an issue of "I am not asking for too much, just for people to move the world..." The last example just screams insecurity - maybe even a type of honesty where he is being upfront that he does see many people eventually have problems and he wants to be honest.

Another issue with the practising people are is that since they are not (supposed to be) "playing the field" or other such things, they will not be refined - it may be hard to see their personality (or they might not have one), they may say the wrong thing, get things muddled up and generally have a greater chance of putting their foot where they shouldn't.

That is ot because they are morons but due to inexperience - afterall they have probably not been on the pull and cannot charm you in quite the same manner, nor as effectively.

I know that you did not mean the next bit as is, but something that I noticed...

... kind hearted but closet gay man... Am I asking for that much? Just ... kind man ...

I will assume that the first bit was that he told you, not you thinking him gay because he was kind... and then demanding kind...

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

Totally sympathise. All my cuzns my age and everyone i went to school with are married with lil terrors of their own now.

Sometimes its not a case of finding the right person but being the right person. Just how much do you expect to get out of these one time meetings and with everyone around lets face it whose really gonna be themselves. Its an awkward and highly stressfull situation. And it dont help that alot of our parents are out of touch.

Its not a simple case of be a good girl and you'll get a good partner, unfortunately the world just doesnt work that way. Its a combination of having the right connections and a lil luck. Theres nothing wrong with nominating someone of your own choice but I understand how parents can be ... a lil difficult about it {rolls eyes).

I wouldnt recommend giving up. Keep looking, stick to your principles. Dont be afraid to make a stand and give people a chance to surprise you. Im not gonna patronise you by saying theres someone out there for everyone because i think we all know thats not the case.

Plus as bro already pointed out, its not like alot of good guys hav had the chance to flatter girls or the experience to be smooth talkers. So how do you choose which one? Look at your specs, look at can you stand to be around such a person 24/7 etc. I could go on but i wont.

bottomline: keep looking, dont be disheartened.

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