Muslim Men and Professional Single Muslim Women

Phobia of marriage

Good!

Dunno what kind of intentions you have/mean but apparently there are times when marriage can be makruh and haram

I don't, I may be developing though. Just these days the benefits dont seem to outweigh the negative stuff ...and its scary!

next time Ocean, just say in original post "younger people dont bother" or something. especially if you're going to treat us like this and make up bullcrap.

I'm sure it's a different case for everyone.

Just because I say that doesn't mean I would personally want that. I think it's important for women to take complete time off work for the first few years of their child's life.

I think once you do actually get married, there's no reason why it shouldn't be successfull if u want it to be, which im sure u do and ull therefore work..to make IT work!

feefs ur too young to develop gamophobia! go back to believing in happy endings..the fairy tales type!

Me personally, Id like to work for a bit after I finish uni so that I can practise what it is that I studied 4 yrs for! and also im guessing itll be easier to get back on the bandwagon that way if I end up having kids. But I understand what Hajjar said about the support network..my sister just had a year off work and now MashAllah she found work so quickly and now the cuteness that is my nephew will be staying at ours

Marriage...Er what am I doing here?!
I totally agree with Power of Silence. Personally, if my parents find the perfect person (NO WAY am I looking for a person myself) I'd get married right now. It's not like marriage hinders your capabilities. My mother got married when she was 16, so did my Grandmother, today they both have 7 children and they're both successful business women. My mothers belief is that you may work all you want, but put your children first, her business is just a hobby, my father was the earner. It might sound archaic, but (I BELIEVE) men should be the main providers whilst the women (and men too) should rear the children. Education wise, BOTH should be as educated as they can be.

Btw, this is my opinion, you dont have to agree with me so DONT KILL ME. *Eyes squeezed shut*

im surprised the in law dynamic hasn't been mentioned. yes those alien beings that can make life a living nightmare. A lot of the sisters here are saying you could work and do whatever you wanted after marriage even after kids i would argue no way jose not unless you can jump over your mother in law! In a lot of muslim indopak marriages the in law usually mother in law won't let the daughter in law work, and usually the son will comply with the mothers wishes.

Now i know muslimsister is out of the picture mash'Allah great in laws. But lets cut to the chase for the other 90%(lol??) of the girls what hope is there, how will you leave the kids and go work, if the mother in law is saying no you're not allowed and your husband like a mummys boy is singing the same tune? It's a story i hear all too often. :?:

Well Lilly's gna find an orphan so...

great idea! why didnt i think of that!

The other day me and my friends were talking about how you'd go about trying to find such a guy - like what you'd ask him cuz obvs you can't just say "are your parents dead?"

I hope I get nice in-laws (yeh I know im gna need to get married at some point, can't really be a proper gamophobic)

lool. you could say would your parents be ok with me working and get your parents to ask his parents the same question, that way they cant back track later to save face.

find out if hes a mummys boy, if he is most likely he will do as she says even if its the wrong advice.

insh'Allah ask right question do lots of research don't rush into it, ive seen to many ppl rushing in coz theyre in "love" they cant see clearly even when the flaws are pointed out.

ask for your own home rented or if hes rich freehold, preferably not next door, make it a condition of marriage you are entitled to it its not being greedy at all. too many marriages fall apart from in law interference. Of course if his parents are ill or old and infirm find out and ask yourself if you could look after them, or want to. if not dont just think oh this guy is perfect and get married coz later u may be miserable and full of regrets.

Sometimes you can never win can you?

Either the person listens to his parents and is unfit for marriage, or doesn't listen to them and is unfit as a human.

Sometimes women need to get over themselves.

(but yes I do undserstand how if no one is willing to give ground, how it will be a place of conflict.)

:O, Thats a mean thing to say!!
However I dont understand why you would have such a mind set. Why think of your In laws in such a way, they shall be your parents too, think of them as such. Its not like all in laws are like that. And whats wrong with a man being a mummys boy, that's a good thing right? Okay I guess it can be annoying when he wont listen to reason and logic and would agree with his mother even when shes wrong, but other then that?

Yeh I agree, have said it before that I would try and treat in-laws as parents too. (Ok i doubt i'd be able to treat them exactly like parents, but you know, same-ish, iA)

Okay i wasn't gonna post on this thread but i just have to say i hate it when in laws try to get involved in someones marriage. Whether it be mother, father, sister or brother it's really none of their business.

I'm not being sexist but it's usually women who get involved in other peoples marriages, by all means give advice if they ask for it but don't go poking your nose where it don't belong.

I see it so much in the bengali culture or maybe it's just my relatives. It's just that i've seen in laws ruin marriages all too often.

I'm sorry if i ruined the topic, just needed to let it out

i agree with foysol, ive seen it happen and still see it happen and sadly it is usually the mother in law or other female relatives, they just cant keep their mouths shut. Some of them relish stirring up trouble too, especially if they didnt want the marriage to occur in the first place.

i know what ur saying about having respect for in laws but powerofsilence i disagree that they should be compared to parents. have the upmost respect for them for being the parents of my partner and elders but i have big issues with saying they are like second parents. For me i have one mother and one father aint no one replacing them or being compared to them. i know i have to call my mother in law mum, but truth is if i need her i just go up to her and ask her to politely come over , ive never used the word mum, and ive been married 6 yrs. Since my mum passed away not long ago its even more embedded in my mind, i simply cant call her mother. not coz i disrespect her, it just doesnt feel right to me, kinder disingenuous, fake. if need be i would say my oldest childs name i.e joe bloggs's dhaadi but never mother and call me stubborn even rude i wont budge on that issue.

fortunately my mother in law hasnt picked up on it and/or doesnt mind, but i know some mother in laws would take issue with that.

Harajuku how is being a mummys boy a good thing? Respecting your mother and caring for her is different from being a mummys boy....so what do you mean?

Hajjar, you not wanting to call your mother in law mum is probably a personal issue but i just wanna say i wouldn't mind dong that out of respect cause obviously nobody can replace ones mother.

The way i'm seeing it right now is from a sons points of view. My mother and dads mum and sisters really don't get along and this has been going on since i was born. My dad has no brothers and he has 4 sisters who he raised since his dad passed away when he was 16.

Without going into the history of b******t that i've witnessed between the in laws from my mum and dads family, whenever a dispute does happen it enters my house and my daadi lives with us, there's alot of tension in the house. My grandmas old so i don't take anything she says to heart, i just acknowledge she's upset with my mum.

Well this is where my dad becomes a rope for which everyone plays tug of war with, my mum gets upset if he sides with his mum but it's hard for him to go against his mother who is in old age now so.

Me personally i have love for all my aunts, uncle and my last remaing granparent my daadi and they all i'm sure love me too. It's really hard keeping family ties with them when a situation does arise though. No matter what happens though i have to show my mother i'm with her without upsetting my daadi.

I really hate this stupid culture.

Ok this really went off topic, sorry Ocean.

That's great advice for the future Ocean but try telling that to my parents who are going through what your parents avoided.

I'm sure most of this generation will learn from their parents mistakes.

I always thought it to be the same thing. *shrug*

Interesting discussion guys - (don't completely write me off Hajar!) lol.

My two pence is, its all about the guy you're married to - you can have the mother in law from hell, or the sweetest woman on the Earth. However, the way you treated mainly depends on how your husband allows you to be treated.

I've never pitted my husband against my mother in law - I think its unfair. It's not right to put a guy in that position....however, my husband has eyes. He has a great sense of injustice and can see if/when his wife is wronged or unhappy. Ultimatly, your life is with your husband. Not your parents. Not your in laws. HE should be responsible for your emotional wellbeing. If your not being treated well by your in laws - how can he be happy with a miserable wife?

Whether you go to work or not, have kids straight away or later on, leave the kids with a nanny etc etc are decisions made by the husband and wife - not the in laws. Yeah, take their advice and opinions into consideration but ultimately do whats right for you and you partner.

Choose your guy well - a guy that respects his parents. But not a mummy's boy. Find someone independent, who can stand on his own two feet. He will ultimaltely be responsible for your emotional well being,

lol. Gets worse when you get older Admin. Just ask my dad - he has to keep his parents happy, his wife happy, his kids happy, his two daughters and their in laws happy - and all of them are on different views and opinions at all times. Someone is always feeling wronged and unhappy.

And you still have to experience all that.

Funny, Ive actually had this convo coupla days ao with girls from uni. I dont really know what to expect from my in-laws...I guess I was hoping to be in the 10% tht Hajjar mentioned as I've never really noticed a MIL presence in my culture..BUT my sisters don't have any MILs themselves, so I don't have any first hand experience with them. and LOL at Lilly wanting to marry an orphan, but that sounds kinda sad though...

Please inform me before Lilly gets married. Somewhere along the lines, I will need to inform this future orphan about her crazy ways.

Bilan...you sound like you're engaged? Or is this potential talk?

lol! i second tht haha.but no, Im not engaged, no, no..

EXCUSE ME!! hello!

and tpos i canny believe ya brought that back up... that was aaaaaaaaages ago! (the orphan thing) i dont mind a guy with inlaws now. coz if that "guy" is gonna follow his mother's every word beyond reason, aint happenign. i aint going nowhere close to a guy like that. NUH HUH!

"hello there little man, you're muslim before motherism. so please. euh..do somethign?... GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ

edit: yeah, no offence to older members, but we ARE the youth and the new generation. most of us are brought up with a clearer view of Islam and the divide between culture. therefore more likely it's going to be okay inshaaAllah.

Dollface said:

It might sound archaic, but (I BELIEVE) men should be the main providers whilst the women (and men too) should rear the children. Education wise, BOTH should be as educated as they can be.

i love. and dont worry, thats also the islamic belief

That sounds bleak.

I think I will bi-pass it - I am not very tolerant of other people's whims etc, so I doubt it would go too well.

Imagine admin being married.