As most of you know I'm trying to convince my parents to get me married to my Pakistani boyfriend. Part of the reason they disagree is because of my boyfriends dodgy past. He used to be a drug addict, be a bit of a bad boy and used have sex with different women. But that was in the PAST. He is now a changed man and even prays. My aunty told my parents about my boyfriends past which has made them even more against him.
I don't care about the past because the past was in the past. But I'm beginning to have doubts myself...this is because I have caught him associating with the girls of his bad boy days. He swears they are only mates and I believe him. But I need to know whether my marraige can work even though he has a very dodgy past. Until I' am sure of this I can't take any steps forward.
Girls would you marry a boy with a dodgy past who had changed?
at last a female oldhamdoodette!
if he has truly truly reformed i would marry him.
but if there is ANY doubt then no.
if i thought he could ever revert bk to that if we were going thru a bad patch, or if something happened to bring him down, i wd need to know he had truly reformed.
i was reading a translation of the Qur'an yday and it said a man or woman who have fornicated with someone else cannot marry someone who has not. will have to find exact verse.
but surely if someone truly repents their sins and their past, that is a different thing?
god does forgive those who repent.
but anyway im rambling. the point is you have to 110% sure about this. if it goes bad you may have burnt too many bridges to go back
The past shouldn't really come into it. But i be lying if i said it doesn't. It quite natural too worry, especially as i found that alot of people don't like to see people moving on and they do try to trap people in their old ways again. Plus once you open yourself to a corrupt way, it always going to remain with you, even though you may never be in the same situation again. It come down to trust, let face it if you boyfriend is praying but still seeing you, he hasn't really change that much, maybe he trying to prove something to himself about whether he change or not, too be honest only Allah swt knows.
If you boyfriend been on any hard drugs like herion or crack, i would definitely be worried, because very very few people walk away from it too live a normal life. If it has been the case, it required someone of a strong nature to be with him and it going to require alot of hard work and trust. Plus any association with his past life he has is a very bad sign.
If someone thinks that loves will solve all their problem, well that feeling will only last a certain amount of time, before the hard facts of the situation hit you. Just look around the community and see and ask around and you will find out you not the only one to be in your situation and see how everything ended, because you ain't the first too be in this situation and you ain't going to be the last, and history has a habit of repeating itself. These situation alway require a little research and you normally will find your answer.
"A true Muslim is thankful to Allah in prosperity, and resigned to His will in adversity."
[url=http//www.guidancemedia.com/videostream.php?id=Burda.mov]Quran[/url]
I think you need to be careful, if your ''bf'' was a shareef man, who somehow fell in love with you, didnt do any sin and just wanted to marry you then you could in my opinion perhaps rely on him to be loyal.
But if your ''bf'' does not have a shareef past then it is something you need to consider. If you marry him and later on he changes back again, you will have no1 but urself to blame, ur parents will have been right.
Its something you need to consider. But I would advise you NOT marry him without your parents knowledge.
Ya ALLAH Madad.
Haq Chaar Yaar
yuit is right actually
how much does he associate with ppl from his past? is he still with same ppl he was with when he was into drugs? becuz they cd draw him bk into it. what drugs were they? if they were addictive then that is another matter to consider, cuz he cd have a relapse. but if he has got this far then well done to him.
also is he still hanging out with girls he slept with? they may be just friends now, but dont you feel that is disrespectful to you? they shared something in the past, even though it was haram.
are yu really happy and comfortable with him still having contact with them? and will he break off contact with them after marriage?
some things for you to consider
who?
are u too? :?
The Lover is ever drunk with love;
He is free, he is mad,
He dances with ecstasy and delight.
Caught by our own thoughts,
We worry about every little thing,
But once we get drunk on that love,
Whatever will be, will be.
ɐɥɐɥ
We used to have this 'bad boy' on the forum called Oldamdude.
He used to swear and tell dodgy stories and stuff. Like Mujahid but from Oldham and worse.
Salaam
What a stressful dilemma.
To me, the past does matter.
Even though I’m someone who can easily forgive/overlook stuff, and I know that if Allah (swt) has forgiven an individual then who am I to judge..
But at the same time I have an overactive imagination…my mind wanders a lot, which I can’t control. I wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it…
Psychologically it would affect my perception of that person.
I hold the opinion that skeletons are best left in the cupboard. I’d rather not know, unless of course it was something that would affect my life e.g kids/disease/previous marriage/a present wife etc etc
…But you are aware of his past. Whether you can accept it or not is a question that only you can answer.
Wasalaam
salaam
past does matter and it will come up if u were to get married, esp the previous women and the drugs. if i personally was 100% sure he had changed then maybe i would give him a chance. u need to go with what your heart and mind say..i no its probably a hard job but u dnt wanna make a mistake!!!!!!!!! not with marriage, u need to go tru all the possibilities :shock:
i think if one is in such a position to be in such a position if you know what i mean then yeah get married - did you get your parents consent to date this guy if not then why pull back now
i'm afraid i know someone loosely in this position her past being almost as colourful as his - his parents said no to marriage and now he's back in prison and shes gone back to her non muslim boyfriend.
parents should have just said yes!
Hiya.....
i wnt marry a guy with his dodgy past.....cuz its my own experience....i knew a guy really close and his past was exactly same as ur boyfriend.....but.....only difference was tat he use to rent gals out for each nights......what had happened he sed tat he wants to marry me and he begged me to forget his past and forgive him.....my parents had found out about his past as well....so it wasn't only me......i forgave him, in which case i was completely wrong after having a huge arguement with him he had stored my all the love emails in his email address and black-mailed me tat he would show them everywhere so i dnt get married to anyone and wuld beg him to marry him......i got sum1 to hack his email address for me(i kno tat was sumthing really bad but i had no choice).....can u believeeeeeee??? i found 41 gals in his email address and fucking 10 love emails to all different gals.........saved in his draft side and sent emails and also under different named folders.......
well i wnt say tat all guys are the same but tat was my opioin......tat i wnt marry a guy with a bad past.....
its true you know sometimes....
A leapords spots never change
The Lover is ever drunk with love;
He is free, he is mad,
He dances with ecstasy and delight.
Caught by our own thoughts,
We worry about every little thing,
But once we get drunk on that love,
Whatever will be, will be.
ɐɥɐɥ
Hi ramz,
Drugs and sex can be huge addictions to "end". It takes a short time to get hooked and can take a lifetime to get clean. The drugs you refer to I assume are hard drugs, heroin, cocaine, crack or something.
You or anyone can never be sure that a marriage will work. If you go into a marriage with any doubts at all, your mind will probably never settle.
"Bad boys" rarely change, but sometimes they find someone that offers a little stability, someone to run to when things get too much, somewhere to hide someone that believes the hype. And I don't doubt your intentions or ability to judge, but "love" is a funny thing.
My only advice would be take a step back and wait, take a good hard look at him, not easy I know but its better to suffer a little heart ache now than live in misery.
girls how can u fall for such dogs? :shock:
u really should set ur standards a LOT higher
and to answer the Q of this thread-the past DOES matter
and ESP in ur case Ramz-if he's still in touch with the girls he used to mess about with
dump the loser
it would seem the obvious and logic thing to do
but i think, jus think, that they are too caught up in the 'i love him too much to let him go' thing.........which may prove to be a bad move later
move on, more fish in the see, theres a life to live
The Lover is ever drunk with love;
He is free, he is mad,
He dances with ecstasy and delight.
Caught by our own thoughts,
We worry about every little thing,
But once we get drunk on that love,
Whatever will be, will be.
ɐɥɐɥ
EXACTLY-
i think Ramz parents are rightfully against her boyfriends marraige
I'd never marry a guy with such a dodgy past-
once a playa always a playa
This guy seems to have too many issues? Is he ready for marriage????
Apart from the love issue are you thinking clearly is he the best match for you?
Tina turner once said "whats love got to do with it" damn right sister!
How you relate to the past has a big impact on things. If the past is dust then it doesn't matter. Habits can matter, but that is something for discussing upfront, and then if the end result is or isn't what you're looking for, you can make your choice. Just working on the question 'does the past matter?' won't be effective, because it's so nonspecific to what is going on.
The best thing in this situation is maybe to take a step back and see what the reaction maybe, from you and also him.
If i was in ur situation i wouldn't be trying to rush everything and have patience and in due time you will find out if you were really meant to be for each other. Plus if you are having doubt already, you need to realise the situation is going to get much more heavy in the future, because in a course of a year there are so many ups and downs. In this situation you should be asking more question about yourself then your boyfriend, will you be able to cope with the situation if he goes back to his old ways and for you to be able to answer that question you need to have abit of space and make your own judgement using your head and not your heart.
"A true Muslim is thankful to Allah in prosperity, and resigned to His will in adversity."
[url=http//www.guidancemedia.com/videostream.php?id=Burda.mov]Quran[/url]
I disagree with yuit. I think that is an overly complicated analysis.
At the end of the day, she still young and has time on their hands. She at uni so she independent for a little while. While isn't it possible. Obviously there doubt in her as well, so there nothing wrong in taking a step back and try to find some calarity in the situation.
"A true Muslim is thankful to Allah in prosperity, and resigned to His will in adversity."
[url=http//www.guidancemedia.com/videostream.php?id=Burda.mov]Quran[/url]
Hi Ramz, this may sound a lil wack but just try it out if you think dat itz gona help you out orit sis. Get someone you trust wid al ya lyf and test your BF. By TEST i mean get ur gal mate 2 chat to him nd maybe flirt alil i kno it soundz rong n dat but you can find out wat his real intentions are then n wat tru feelings he has for you, if any. If not then i guess take every1 elsez advice and hold back for awhile nd see wat happenz. Trust n listen to ur heart sis itz gota giv u sumthin gud, i mean sit their n see wat part of his past RELI bothers u, is it da past galz o drugz n den c if you believe in da fact that hes a changed guy o not. My duas are wid you gud luck sis.
Learn To Love The People Who Are Willing To Love You At Present. Forget The People In The Past & Thank Them For Hurting You, Which Lead You To Love The People You Have Right Now..
Yuit, sure.
And I think you're drawing from personal experience closer to Ramz' own experience than mine is, and that you obviously care about Ramz.
RuBy's advice is interesting, I don't know if it works. Seems a bit complicated, I have a lot of what ifs about it.
Nah my suggestion was based on what i consider common sense, there is no personal experience at all being brought into it. But i have to say that these issue are never black and white and there is never one best solution, i was just expressing my opinion.
"A true Muslim is thankful to Allah in prosperity, and resigned to His will in adversity."
[url=http//www.guidancemedia.com/videostream.php?id=Burda.mov]Quran[/url]
The same can be said for girls too.. they too can have dodgy pasts.. the only diff is that its easy 2 c if a girl has changed, by her her appearance etc.. with boys its more difficult 2 tell.
I think everyone deserves a second chance, at the end of the day we aint God are we..
but on the other hand we aint stupid either..
we can tell if someone has changed and Ramz in your case i think you know he hasnt changed but are just reluctant to believe it.
Tried and tested.
Its works fantastically. Only prob is some girls are still in deniel even when their loser boyfriend has been caught red handed :roll:
I say don't marry him, but if in doubt, try istikarah.
I would say don't get sucked into his addictions and become just another thrill/high for/to him, but obviously I don't hold all the answers, if this is important then I seriously suggest you try Istikarah.
Stay safe kid.
Gentleness and kindness were never a part of anything except that it made it beautiful, and harshness was never a part of anything except that it made it ugly.
Through cheating, stealing, and lying, one may get required results but finally one becomes
The past always matters.
It shows what a person is capable of.
And it is mostly a good guide for the future, and what will happen.
Ignore the past at your own peril.
However you can learn from the past to make sure the same thing does not happen again.
[EDIT]
In this case, I say get married. afterall neither of you is a saint.
What if he judged your past? And you either gonna be in sin, or be married. I would choose marriage.
If not that, make a clean break.
"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.
Past matters a lot, u said yourself you have seen him associate with girls from his past even though it may just be "innocent" (whatever that is!)
I agree with lilsis why set your standards so low? Marraige is for life and its not somethin you can get out of easily if the guy turns out to be a total twat. You really need to think about this and gettin the advice off your parents/elders is very helpful, rather getin advice from anyone who can think neutrally from this situation would be good.
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