What Does Islam Say About Forced/Arranged/Love/ Secret Marriages?

By Shaykh Muhammad Salim Ghisa

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is a sacred bond between a man and woman, which makes each other permissible for them to enjoy and live happily. Allah has described, in the most moving and eloquent terms, this eternal, natural relationship between man and woman, which is filled with security, love, understanding and compassion:

“And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. (Quran 30:21)

Marriage is also an important part of the Sunnah. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said: “The Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever leaves my Sunnah is not from amongst me” (Kitabus Sunan – Mishkat)

The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has also said as narrated by Ibn Masud (May Allah be pleased with him)

“Young men, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at non permissible females and protects you from immorality. However, those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire.” (Bukhari and Muslim)

However, we also find that in today’s day and age that there are many marriages that are improper or unfair and can make a person’s life miserable. These marriages are either forced or arranged against a person’s will. Islam does not support in any way a marriage where either the man or woman is unhappy with the set up.

We find that some people use their power of authority and cultural understanding (baradarism) to arrange such forced marriages and then hide behind the religion of Islam to justify their actions.

Arranged marriages

Arranged marriages are allowed and promoted in Islam as long as they are accepted by both the bride and the groom. One of the conditions for the Nikah (marriage ceremony) to be valid is both the man and woman are asked independently of each other as to whether they agree with the marriage or not. If either of them say ‘no’ then the Nikah cannot continue , however, silence is regarded as consent. (Radd ul Mohtar).

The parents have a responsibility to ensure that both couples are compatible and do not arrange a marriage merely for their own social or personal reasons (i.e. 'she's my brothers daughter, lets get our son married to her'!). If the latter is the case then they will have to answer to Allah. The Prophet of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) gave the strictest orders with relation to the rights of others. He said

“'Truly Allah has totally forbidden disobedience (and the subsequent hurt) to mothers, burying alive daughters, with-holding the rights of others, and demanding that which is not your right.” (Hadith Muslim 4257. Recorded by Mughirah b. Shuba).

When a suitable partner is chosen then four things are considered, out of which one should take importance and this is the religious practice of their prospective partners. Whilst the following Hadith is in relation to choosing a woman, it refers to both sexes: the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said

“A woman (or man) may be married for four things: for her wealth, for her noble descent, for her beauty or for her religion. Choose the one who is religious, lest your hands be rubbed with dust!” (Bukhari and Muslim)

Although the Prophet advised the young Muslim to look for a religious partner, it does not mean that they should ignore their preferences regarding the physical beauty. The Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) encouraged seeing a prospective partner before finalizing the marriage, so that a Muslim does not find his/herself trapped in a marriage with a woman/man he/she finds unattractive.

Al Mughirah Ibn Shaibah said “I got engaged to a woman at the time of the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He asked me “Have you seen her?” I said “No”. He said “go and have a look at her, because it is more fitting that love and compatibility is established between you.” (Nasai)

Therefore, in the above situations we find that Islam promotes love and compatibility between husband and wife and recognizes that these are vital ingredients in a successful marriage.

Forced Marriages

Whilst we understand the importance of love and compatibility we must also ensure the approval of both parties. However, one must also recognize that forced marriage is a problem occurring today and Islam condemns it to the highest degree. The issue of forced marriages is not one that is limited to some Muslims, but Hindus, Sikhs and other religions also acknowledge it as a problem.

As explained above, Islam regards marriage as a right of the individual and therefore others cannot make the decision for them. If a woman/man is forced in marriage then the marriage would not be valid and would therefore need to be cancelled. However, daughters and sons should also recognize the rights of their parents and come to an agreed solution before the marriage takes place.

If this does not happen then those who forced the marriage and those who allowed it are both guilty and have committed a major sin. The following incident clarifies the position of forced marriages in Islam;

Khansa Bint Khidam said “My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace). He said to me “accept what your father has arranged.” I said “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.”

He said “then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” I said “I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fathul Bari Sharah Al Bukhari 9/194, Ibn Majah Kitabun Nikah 1/602)

At first, the Prophet (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) told Al Khansa to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concerns of fathers for the well being of their daughters is well known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her in to marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.

Love Marriages

Marriages that are done due to a couple falling in love with one another are acceptable but are usually an unlawful way of approach. Meaning, that two people of the opposite sex start a relationship and then decide they want to marry. However, one must also realize that this is happening and therefore if a couple are in a relationship they must either get married immediately and save themselves from sin or separate.

If the father/ mother is aware then they should ensure that there is a successful outcome and if there is compatibility between the couple, they should try and ensure that the marriage takes place as soon as possible. Mere excuses, such as they are from a lower cast etc are not acceptable. However, valid reasons such as religion must be taken in to account.

Abu Hurairah narrates that the Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) said “when one with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks your daughter in marriage then accede to his request. If you do not do so then there will be temptation in the earth and extensive corruption”. (Tirmidhi)

Secret Marriages

Secret marriages whilst recognised are severely disliked in Islam and even Haram when it goes against the will of the parents. The reason for this is that it means that those who are responsible for them are not advised of it and the couple will go against their parents by doing so. The Messenger of Allah (May Allah bless him and grant him peace) has clearly stressed that the will of the father is the will of Allah (Bukhari) also how important it is to obtain the dua of one’s parents.

Whilst we recognise that sometime parents need to be advised, this should be done by asking relatives to intervene, or the local Imam or anyone who may have an influence over one’s parents and they can agree. Insha Allah a marriage can only ever obtain spiritual comfort if the dua of one’s mother and father is with them.

Whilst the secret marriage may be valid it does not mean it is right and blessed.

May Allah give us the ability to understand the sacred concept of marriage and the Islamic approach towards it.

What is the best way to find a partner in the UK? To find out and to read more articles on marriage visit:

Comments

as salaam alaikum
me and another muslim girl love eachother alhumdulillah for 2years now but our families both dont like us together because our familes basically dont like eachother and her cousin(which will maryy her sis) he told lies to her family and thats another reason her fam dnt like me ilive in usa and she lives in pakistan and i sincerely love her iwant to marry her and she wants to marry me(inshallah) but in 2years so many times we got caught talking over the phone/internet then her fam wudnt let us talk they would bann her from hsin the phone now they got the internet disconnected but we still try to talk somehow(alhumdulillah) we want to keep our relationship pure and halal by marrying eachother because recentley we secretley met eachother 3 days because our families dnt let us see eachother so iknow we arent allowed to meet in private but alhumdulillah we hadnt done such such things because we want to marry eachother inshallah then everything inshallah.ok so her dad alhumdulillah agrees for me but nobody else and im not about my fam et everytime my mom curses her hates her just becuz she thinks she will be a bad person JUST because her cousin is a bad person she is being prejudice "they are the same blood they will be the same character too"any advices pls and our fams dn lets us marry yet im 17 she is 19 ilive and igotta finish education all iwant to do right now i do nikaah with her inshallah so ican be relieved that alhumdulillah she is my wife now(inshallah) any advices pls and pls pray for us my family found this girl for me yes she is very very pretty but i dont love her and ionly want to marry the girl ilove inshallah pls give me advices

Stop torturing yourself.

Chances are you will not marry her - especially due to the geographical issued, which would probably necessitate parental approval.

So move on and stop being such an emo.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:
Stop torturing yourself.

Chances are you will not marry her - especially due to the geographical issued, which would probably necessitate parental approval.

So move on and stop being such an emo.


uhmmmmmm what does geographic issue have to do with this my bro went thru the same married the girl who lived in pakistan when we were in usa and how am i being emo are you ok? or you should seriously see a physciatrist

Appreciate ur point of view but it has no proof.
Read ayat 4 of Surah Nisa. May be that helps.

The above reply is for Nad the one at the begining of this string.

Sorry its Ayat 3 of "Surah Nisa" where its clearly mentioned to marry those women who u like.
Its more of a summary. Read the entire ayat in arabic or tanslation in english or the language that is understandable for u.
May Allah guide us on the right path because if we deny His and His prophets shariah we can never succeed in life or hereafter.

Thx Ahsan bro,or ACTUALLY understanding and helping me-and iwill read it from now one-anything possible iwill do so inshallah ican marry her inhallah

arrange marriages are good because happiness of parents is there. love marriage is also good but there should be some things:
1. there must not any kind of relations between girl and boy before marriage.
2. happiness or aggrement of parents should be there.

m asim javed wrote:
arrange marriages are good because happiness of parents is there.

Not always and never guaranteed to last. Any problems in the marriage could then be excalated by outside parties and if the kids are miserable, the parents wont be happy.

Your post is based on the assumption that after the marriage everything runs smoothly forever.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:
m asim javed wrote:
arrange marriages are good because happiness of parents is there.

Not always and never guaranteed to last. Any problems in the marriage could then be excalated by outside parties and if the kids are miserable, the parents wont be happy.

Your post is based on the assumption that after the marriage everything runs smoothly forever.

but he has made a point, so lets look at that and say thank you. (i'll do that)

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Jumping back a few posts, just need to mention that whatever you decide to do or not do, remember that modesty should be at the heart of it.

Not always easy and if you put yourself in some positions, it will become harder.

I think someone mentioned on the forums once that it is easier to keep a horse bolted into a stable than trying to drag one that has excaped back in by the tail.

You know how genuine or not your intentions are, you should have read the answer above too which does clarify from the qur'an that "look but not touch" is not the standard we aspire to (as the former will want more of the latter).

But if your intentions are noble, your actions are within the limits of Islam, no one can fault you.

You just need to make sure they are and it is not just an excuse.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

Do people still love marry?? how boring, can't they come out with something new?

Like what? Marry people they hate?

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:
Like what? Marry people they hate?

Lol

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

You wrote:
Like what? Marry people they hate?

Actually not a bad idea, spread love in the world marrying people you hate.

ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:
You wrote:
Like what? Marry people they hate?

Lol

Wat u laughing at???

Ghost wrote:
ThE pOwEr Of SiLeNcE wrote:
You wrote:
Like what? Marry people they hate?

Lol

Wat u laughing at???

gotta admit that's funny.

marriage is great - hence why it aint outdated.

i sound like im in the middle of a happy marriage... -_- i aint. just for the record.

and dont believe anythign BIlan might say about the subject.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Ghost wrote:
Do people still love marry?? how boring, can't they come out with something new?

its not like its a fashion. though even then trends keep coming back. people still love marry cos it seems to do the trick.

@lilly tht made me laff..or would have if i wasnt so tired...

"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find rest"

Ghost wrote:
You wrote:
Like what? Marry people they hate?

Actually not a bad idea, spread love in the world marrying people you hate.

Maybe I'm being slow, but how does that work?

“Before death takes away what you are given, give away whatever there is to give.”

Mawlana Jalal ud Din Rumi

The Lamp wrote:
Ghost wrote:
You wrote:
Like what? Marry people they hate?

Actually not a bad idea, spread love in the world marrying people you hate.

Maybe I'm being slow, but how does that work?

Its called cousin marriage.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

The Lamp wrote:
Ghost wrote:
You wrote:
Like what? Marry people they hate?

Actually not a bad idea, spread love in the world marrying people you hate.

Maybe I'm being slow, but how does that work?


It doesn't work

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

The Lamp wrote:
Ghost wrote:
You wrote:
Like what? Marry people they hate?

Actually not a bad idea, spread love in the world marrying people you hate.

Maybe I'm being slow, but how does that work?

Lol

Lets reunite the ummah under one flag LA ILAHA IL ALLAH MUHAMMADUR RASULULLAH

i was in a relationship for a long time, four years, and i sinned. my parents didnt allow the marriage to take place, but were aware of us being together. now they have arranged to get me married, and i have aggreed, as they are all very happy with it. is this wrong? giving myself to someone, (even if it was rongly done) but then not marrying them but marrying someone different.

The wrong thing is what happened before.

Just because you have made a mistake in the past it doesnt mean that you have to keep making them.

Just make sure that you are not taking advantage of some poor unsuspecting fool as due to your past you will have expectations and if he doesnt have a past, he will not have the same expectations.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

i have told him that i use to like someone before and it will take time for me to accept him and forget my past, and he has been very understanding and said he doesnt need to know the details, so i havent told him anymore than that.

i felt as if though i had to make my past relationship legit by marrying him, but actually i need to get away from my mistakes and start again properly??

i do have expectations and ur right he won't, so will he be able to tell? i'm really confused...

What's wrong remains wrong despite future actions - you can't "make it right" as its not one of those things where you can eg return stolen goods.

All you can do is draw a line and decide what you want to do (or guy, new guy, some other guy is irrelevant really) and go about it in a halaal manner.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

You wrote:
What's wrong remains wrong despite future actions - you can't "make it right" as its not one of those things where you can eg return stolen goods.

You may not be able to change the past, but you can ask Allah to forgive you. If it's genuine, then Insha'Allah He will forgive, for He is the most merciful.

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

yup, people can repent and change their ways.

What I was saying is that because mistakes are made in the past, that doesnt mean a person should continue making them over and over again.

You acknowledge your errors and move on.

(Lollywood's post was deleted because he is a moron.)

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

I know what you meant, I was just adding to what you said.

"How many people find fault in what they're reading and the fault is in their own understanding" Al Mutanabbi

Isn't it wrong to marry someone else when you like someone? What's the point. Aren't you going to ruin your and the new guy's life? I don't think you should get married while you still like someone else. And why not try and convince your parents that you want to marry the other guy?

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

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