What do you think of widowers who remarry only for an in house nanny to raise their kids?

Assalamu assalaikum,

What do you think of widowers who remarry after their wives have died simply because they don't want to get their hands out their pockets and raise their kids. They think its a womans job, i can't or i won't do it?

I bring this up because it often occurs within my community, and its happened twice under severe circumstances, and quite recently. In both cases the women were very young and terminally ill with cancer, leaving behind very young children, infants.

Considering the government fully support single parents and widows/widowers in this country, it's not as if these men couldn't remain at home and raise their infants or older kids alone.

I know islamically there is a waiting period, then the man can go and remarry, but this is a guide, its not a must. There's something sickening about it to me. I find it lacking complete compassion and love for the wife who has just passed and the kids in question. I mean is it too much to ask these men to at least appear to be mourning their wives and giving it at least a year?

Is it right to marry just with the intention that the new wife will be the nanny primarily, thats the purpose of the marriage?

Personally it angers me and disgusts me, i've told my husband if i unexpectedly died i would expect him with the support of my family and his to raise the children. if he wants to remarry give it at least a year, and even then consider the children, never let any woman treat your children like second class citizens. I've seen this occur a lot, men are so engrossed with their new wives they don't see them mistreating the kids. I do fear this a lot when i think about death.

If the new woman is fully aware of the situation and she has a choice... not my concern really.

As for the children, they have it hard either way and the new mother in law doesnt have to be evil.

Time wise, being too eager to get remarried may rub many people the wrong way.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

Whats the waiting period?

"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah, do hearts find rest"

bilan wrote:
Whats the waiting period?

Something that applies to women only and is AFAIK 4 months and 10 days.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

I understand that it can be unpleasant in some cases, but some men remarry because they want better for their kids. Especially if the kids are very young, they may need the influence and love and attention from a mother and a father.
In fact, that is from the Sunnah, right? Nabi (SAW) married Sawdah(R) so she could look after his children.

'Allah gives and forgives
Man gets and forgets' Baba Ali

Ocean wrote:
why so specific?

Al Baqarah 2:234 If any of you die and leave widows behind, they shall wait concerning themselves four months and ten days: When they have fulfilled their term, there is no blame on you if they dispose of themselves in a just and reasonable manner. And Allah is well acquainted with what ye do. (Yusuf Ali)

'Allah gives and forgives
Man gets and forgets' Baba Ali

Ocean wrote:
why so specific?

men can have multiple wives, women cant have multiple husbands.

This means that after divorce/death, the woman has to wait that time period (partially to confirm if she is carrying and to stop any disputes of parenthood arising) while the guy could have got amrried again beforehand anyway.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

Ive known a few widows, some were young enough to remarry. But the way it is amongst Muslims largely due to culture, women are prevented. They are looked upon as used goods. I would g o so far as saying thy are marginalised. If they aren'tt lucky enuf to have their own parents or siblings for support thy have no one. These women raise their kids alone, why is it so impossible tor Muslim men to do the same if necessary? I'm not saying they shouldn't remarry but there should be time to grieve. Also widows shold be given the same freedom and support to remarry, more so because she my be without mahram raising the kids alone.

“O my people! Truly, this life of the world is nothing but a (quick passing) enjoyment, and verily, the hereafter that is the home that will remain forever.” [Ghafir : 39]

hmmm, I think that's mostly down to culture.
I've seen many women remarry, but (in the cases I've seen) they don't usually last very long. I don't know why that is, maybe due to the woman giving priority to her kids over her new husband, I don't know,
But I do find it very sad when women are encouraged not to remarry, sometimes you can just see their kids are gonna walk all over them!

'Allah gives and forgives
Man gets and forgets' Baba Ali

Anyone know why the mourning period for men on their wives is 3 days but for women on their husbands it's 4 months and 10 days?

“O my people! Truly, this life of the world is nothing but a (quick passing) enjoyment, and verily, the hereafter that is the home that will remain forever.” [Ghafir : 39]

one reason is to confirm parenthood in case she is pregnant, partially to mandate more time for her to come to terms with it.

"For too long, we have been a passively tolerant society, saying to our citizens 'as long as you obey the law, we will leave you alone'" - David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. 13 May 2015.

Might also be emotional attachment... Maybe generally it takes women longer to accept and move on whereas some men find it easier to just carry on with life... I dunno
There must be some Hikmah behind it...

'Allah gives and forgives
Man gets and forgets' Baba Ali

ive often tght that patience but if you were very young you may think differently. i know this woman her husband died all of a sudden she was just 30 yrs old, with 3 kids who weren't infants. she wanted to remarry to continue with life. but the way the community is she wasnt helped so she is still alone now and her kids r doing their own thing.

its not a nice thgt but i dont like the idea of groing old alone, having no one to share my life with. yes ull have ur kids but as they beome independent u will feel the loneliness. my dad is prob 60 and he's lost without my mum, i feel so bad when i see him the loneliness is so evident, no children can fill that void. but at least he has us, many parents live alone or are in old ppls homes.

“O my people! Truly, this life of the world is nothing but a (quick passing) enjoyment, and verily, the hereafter that is the home that will remain forever.” [Ghafir : 39]